DOWN ON THE FUNNY FARM

New Life, A Sad Loss, and A Bit Of Fun

2012-02-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

The very first 2012 Funny Farm Lambs have been born, and 'Freckles' here, completely at home basking in the warmth of the February Sun, has a smile on her chops that no sunbeam could ever claim to be warmer than... Whereas 'Panda' seems to be startled to be on Planet Earth at all, bless her!

But sadly, with every wondrous birth in the world, it's tragically equated with an untimely death. I wanted to mention this to you tonight, because, as a personal admirer of Whitney Houston I got close to this Superstar in a quite bizarre, but magical way.

Working as A Secretary in a London Advertising agency back in the 90's, I was in my twenties, and I think I'd once made a chocolate cake for my boss, the very lovely Susan, whose clients we worked on were Nikon Cameras and Chivers Hartley Jams. Having made a marzipan Camera, and marzipan Strawberries to decorate the top of her birthday cake was a definite novelty to me, never having attempted anything like that before! But everyone had loved it, and I had such a personal 'blast' making it, that I knew it wouldn't be the last novelty cake I'd make.
A few years later, completely out of the blue, I received a telephone call at another Ad Agency where I was working, and the voice on the other end of the line asked if I would consider making a novelty cake for the 'after concert party' of a very high achieving pop singer. Where on earth these people heard about me from is a mystery, but not remotely having an ego, not even contemplating that it'd be way too challenging, or that I might fail miserably and fall flat on my face, I said I'd do it.

Once I'd agreed, I was told that it was to be a cake for Whitney Houston, celebrating her newly awarded Triple Platinum Disc achievement, and that they would be presenting it to her at the special party they were holding for her after the concert. They'd deliver the framed Triple Platinum Discs to the Ad Agency for me to take home, and make a replica Novelty Cake of it.

I suppose it didn't really 'sink in' that I was holding the original framed discs until I got them back home to Wendover in Buckinghamshire, and my then husband nearly fainted. Anyway, to get on with the story, I made six 10 inch fruit cakes, because I had an abundance of time on my hands, and fruitcakes wouldn't spoil. Then of course it was the marzipan layer - as flat as you can Wellie, because you're going to have to Royal Ice on top of this Luv, you're cr@p at Royal Icing, and it needs to be dead smooth to replicate the Cassette Cover, Platinums and Gold Frame.
Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with the endless weeks of work I did to achieve the finished cake, but let's just say that the board I mounted the cake on was a teeny bit bigger than the weeny cottage doorways, and it was a nerve-racking moment tilting it to get it to The Courier waiting at my Cottage Front Door to whizz it up to London in time for The Party!
And Yes, I did give the framed Triple Platinum Discs back!!
I feel very special and very privileged now to have been a small part of her celebrations that night.
Sadly, having meticulously taken 'step by step' photos of the cake's progress, not one single photo remains....so if anyone out there out of the kindness of their own hearts does have a photo of my Whitney Cake, I'd simply love a copy back for my own records and posterity......X.

Talking of Cake....when I sent my draft script email to the editor of our local parish magazine the other day, requesting a small paragraph be included into the March issue, the small paragraph read exactly this:

HANDS UP IF YOU LIKE CAKE !
Shelley and Medina are looking for a friendly posse of people to help us create this year's Produce Show Tea Party. Candidates must have Own Pinny, Sense of Humour, and Appetite for Fun.
Phone Shelley on:........... for details of our First Pinny Meeting.

Like that?!

Now, given that this first card was given to Trousers for his Birthday from Wellie:

And this card was given to Trousers for his Birthday from Medina and Ian (The Queen and King of Marmalade)....Once I wrestle the Chainsaw out of Ian's hands for 'choosing' that card, I might marmalise him Children?!
M and I have the 'Qualifications' to get this Tea Party up and running. Own Pinnies, Sense of Humour, Appetite for Fun......and our next Show Meeting is in about 10 hours, so I better go bed now!

I apologise for not tucking you up in bed this Sunday Night with A First Aid Course Story Boys'n'Girls, but if you're good, I'll do it next time.
Stay Safe and Keep Warm.
Wellie. X

ITTON VILLAGE HALL

2012-02-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

Before I tell you about yesterday's fabulous Dib Dob First Aid Course, this is the beautiful rural setting of our Village Hall, where it all happens.

Having been in the Hall yesterday afternoon with seven other peeps, this afternoon I decided to spend an hour on my own with a long tape measure, a piece of graph paper, a pen, and my camera. The Hall is 44ft by 22ft, and any available wall-space will hang The Art Exhibits in this year's Show.

The Stage is 17ft by 6ft, and will be capable of propping up 7 'Doors' against the walls to exhibit all the Photographic Entries, and the Trophy Table, from which, the Opening & Award Ceremonies take place.
There are twenty 6ft tables at my disposal to use as Showbenches.

And there's a separate room to the side of the Hall, which has it's own small kitchen, from which to serve Afternoon Teas, and have a Cake Stall.

It's a beautiful facility at our disposal, and one that we're incredibly fortunate to have. Now that I've got all of its measurements, I can maximise every inch of available space for our 2012 Village Show in August.

Dib Dob Ging Gang Goolie

2012-02-07T18:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you, but when I've ever moved house and gone to live in a completely alien environment from the one that I used to feel way more comfortable in, it scares the proverbial pants off of me.

As a Girl, you're driven by your Parents, in a car, whether to a Convent Boarding School....to Girl Guides, or beautifully, to Finishing College in the Somerset Countryside. I never felt that I hugged my Dad quite so tightly enough to thank him with all of my heart for any of what he did for me before he passed away.....but truly, he worked his sox off for me.

As an Adult now, living with no children in my life, it's a very difficult story for me, but not a sad one. An English Rural Village happens to be where my heart truly belongs. But Villagers do like to know just who you are, just why you're here, and exactly what you're doing in their village! Which is kind of tricky, when you're not entirely sure of the reason yourself.

Isn't it gorgeous then, when you wake up one day and find that the very people around you, are what you've actually been missing all of your life?

Rightly, or wrongly, that feeling completely overwhelmed me today.
I drove for 'seconds' up to the village hall, into what is normally a grassy field that suffices as a Car Park.
There was a familiar face of a chap that I humped (don't make your own story up!) BALES OF HAY with onto a trailer, along with Trousers and another chap at the end of the season last year for someone else's Sheeps to devour during the colder months, and they were spreading scalpings, and making 'A Proper Car Park' in the field for The Village Hall to use, on Farmers' Land?
No more thanks given than a nod and a word, but none more needed as far as we were concerned.
I was just about to try and put that into words, and then realised that actually, that's not possible.
It isn't words.... It's a feeling. And it's about doing everything that you can for your own community.
Wellie.X

Funny Farm Leek & Cheese Welshcakes

2012-02-07T11:28:00.000-08:00

Having tinkered about with the recipe, I'm happy with them now! However, I would just say that there will be a difference in the moisture content of the dough, depending on whether you use white self-raising flour, or light brown self-raising flour, the latter being more absorbent.

Soften 150g finely chopped Leeks in a weeny amount of butter in a pan. Allow to cool. Sift 250g self-raising flour and half tsp sea salt into a large bowl. Lightly rub in 100g unsalted butter until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs, then mix in 100g grated cheddar, Caerphilly, or whatevver! add the cooled softened leeks, and then 1 beaten egg. Bring the mixture together with a fork. Add UP to 1 tblsp milk, a drop at a time, mixing inbetween, to form a soft but not wet dough (or bung it in the Magimix and 'wing it' like wot I do - saves time!)
Tip it out onto a lightly floured surface and just 'pat' or roll out to about 6-7mm thick. Cut out scone-sized circles with a cutter and 'dry-fry' in a frying pan for about 3 mins on each side, until nicely 'golden'.
Cool on a wire rack and store in an airtight container, freeze, or do what I do:
Spread immediately with ANCHOR BUTTER straight out of the pan, two bites, straight into your mouth, and it's gone!
Spread immediately with LOW-FAT spread for your MAN, two bites, straight into his mouth, and it's gone...!

I freeze them with waxed discs inbetween in a big stack in a polybag, and just put them straight into the Rayburn as and when I need them.

AbFab for Brekkie buttered, with Ultan Walsh's Missus's Chestnut Sausages/Paul Rankin 85% Pork Sausages/Gloucestershire OldSpot Sausages, or ordinary 2nd-Rate Bangers, and the rest of The Full Monty.

Make them, enjoy them, and then maybe let me know how you got on?

Incidentally. Nothing whatsoever to do with the above, but I went on a proper First Aid Course today in our Village Hall, which was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. If you get the opportunity to do one - go do it. Lots of fun, and you could save someone's life in the future. I'll tell you about it next time.

And next time..... photos of the very first pair of Lamb twins on The Funny Farm. Aaaah!.....
Keep Safe, Stay Warm,
Wellie.X

A Quick Step Round The Garden

2012-02-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

The red Brussel Sprouts and Swede were spectacularly mediocre this time around...which is surprising, given that the previous crop were Legumes. Fat lot of nitrogen nodules they fixed into the ground then! I think not... Still, the green sprouts in the soft fruit bed made up for it.
The late crop of Leeks are fattening up well now, and should be ready in time to replace the ones we're using at the moment. Which reminds me, I need to post up the recipe for Leek & Cheese Welsh Cakes. Doh!

Smashing the ice out of the birdbaths has been a twice-daily job of late, but a very worthwhile one, as my little feathered friends have really appreciated it. And one Nuthatch has returned to feed.

With the flowering period of a Yukka being July/August time, I think Mother Nature is having a bad hair day here in the woodland garden.

Don't you just love Garrya eliptica? Absolutely gorgeous in full flower, and quite deserving of being called Silk Tassel Bush. I'm making a stab at guessing that this is the male variety, as I'm 99% positive that I read that somewhere years ago, having longer tassles than the female one, but don't quote me....

Once the thaw has taken place, I must get on and drastically prune back the Wisteria. I'm determined this year to tie back the rambling roses to the barn wall to show them off to better effect.

BC's not keen on getting her paws wet, but decided to put a brave face on to go for a walk with me round the farm. There are about half a dozen feral farm cats in the yard here, so she's quite clearly 'out of her comfort zone', as you can see.

We're in a melancholy mood this week, so my P-Pod track is going to be 'The Dance' by Westlife, and I hope you enjoy it.

A big welcome to Jordan on the blog this week (the country, not the other one!), also to Egypt, Norway, and Ethiopia. All of you are most welcome.

Will bring you recipes and an update on The Itton Village Show progress shortly.
Thanks to those of you not in hibernation for listening again. The rest of you - are you all on holiday, or what?!
XX

Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines?....

2012-01-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

Trust me... this is A Bridget Jones Moment..., and I'd hate to lose it at the expense of you thinking that I look ridiculous? and I hate it now that you've laughed out loud and don't trust that I could make it big in movies??
Wot? You don't think I look attractive?........And to be perfectly honest Kids, I don't think it's a laughing matter. However, Trousers does wet himself laughing when I put these Allium Glasses on, because he can't remotely take me seriously. Nor can I? Reminds me of that fabulous Welsh actor, Rees Efan (?) in 'Notting Hill', the tall one in the wet suit, reading the paper with a snorkel mask on, or indeed.....Hugh Grant in the cinema. (In danger of going off on a tangent here, the assistant in the travel bookshop in The Cardi will never be comedically topped for me).
But when you do grow your own garlic, shallots, onions and leeks, the garden variety of allium tears, seem to be a hundred-fold in strength compared to shop-bought allium tears. And I needed these homegrown leeks to be very finely chopped, to experiment with a recipe for The Itton Village Show at the end of August - only because it's a variation on a recipe, and in my experience, if you haven't cocked it up on your own doorstep first, you'll find it very difficult to control the Village Riot on your hands at a later date if the recipe ain't right when it's too late to placate! Ordinarily, these would be Welsh Cakes - for which The Welsh are famous. Wellie then found a variation on that recipe for last years' show with grated Apple in, which brought some annoyance in the village, and huge amusement to me. Medina, being a girl after my own heart, thought it would be dead funny to 'drop me in it' even further on The Welsh Cake front, and leant me a booklet with a recipe for Leek & Cheese Welsh Cakes. And having tasted them, we're unable to ween ourselves off them now! I'm refining the recipe a little, but they are a fabulous brekkie accompaniment to Ultan Walsh's Missus's Chestnut Sausages, chucked onto the griddle with a rasher of bacon.

Medina usually bringing 'sustenance' to our Village Show meetings, and it being 'my turn', I thought I'd surprise her with some Almond Danish Pastries. Everything went well, until I was ready to add the Quick Action Dried Yeast, and discovered that I didn't have any. Always, always measure out all of your ingredients before you start Children!

And, as the saying goes: if you can't stand the heat - get out of the kitchen! So I did, to individually pot up a few of my First Early Potato tubers. Whilst you've got 5 of each variety still 'Chitting', you can have 5 beginning to make roots, and grow into small pots to give you an even earlier harvest of New Potatoes. Once they've outgrown these small pots, you plant them into bigger individual pots, or say 5 to a much larger 'Patio Container', keep cool in a frost-free environment, and you'll be harvesting by the end of May or very early June. The Cutting Edge, eh?

Then as the remaining 5 'Chitting' of each variety get ready to be planted out in your veg patch, they will give you a successional crop of New Potatoes, ready for harvest when you've used up the Patio Potted ones.... Get my drift?

These little Fairy Buns are another experiment for The Village Show, and contain grated raw Parsnip & Lime Zest, topped with a zesty-lime cream cheese frosting. Well, one of them is! And I can just see you now, convinced that I've turned into dotty old Letitia in The Vicar Of Dibley. I've only decorated one 'to try', as the rest will be frozen and then thawed, for M and I to test their 'freezability', then another batch will be made with Beetroot, another with Carrot, another with Courgette - some iced, and some not. All, hopefully, to enable us to procure a multitude of edible or saleable cakes at the same time as Growing, Picking, Arranging, Photographing, Crafting, Painting, Cooking, Preserving & Brewing our own Entries for The Show to try and keep numbers and finances up in the face of adversity.
When you take over the reigns after 20 years of an established Show, it's a dangerous game to play when you're faced with trying to please all of the people all of the time in an established Village community, because there are so very many Chiefs, and not enough Indians!... Whilst I was hit by a few superficial 'Low Flying Teddies' last year, I've learned a thing or two, and Medina and I have had less KinderGarden Fingers burned so far this year on the strength of that, with moving the date, total new produce, new judges, new schedule.....
and I just absolutely know that all of you are wishing us the very best that we hope for our own success.

Now I have an apology to make to you: I purposely abandoned you for a whole week, making no blog updates whatsoever. Largely, because I've recently just told my Mother that I have A Blog, and whilst I'm sure her hearing aid is in perfect working order, she has 3 years of blog-updates to read, and I wanted to give her a fighting chance of catching up?!

And, as you can appreciate by what I've wittered on about above, I've had my heart'n'soul where it was needed more for now. But TODAY, I threw the covers off my bed, scared the living daylights out of my cat, and raced down The Funny Farm stairs, flinging the conservatory door open in my Jarmies, and filled up the Bird Table, Nut Feeders and scattered seeded breadcrumbs over the entire Allium raised bed.... Birdbaths to overflowing, because today was my last chance to RSPB Garden Birdwatch.
Immediately, a flock of 16 Housesparrows, 3 Dunnocks, 1 fat and 1 thin Robin, who still can't make up their minds Who's Boss! male & female Blackbirds, 8 Bluetits, 2 Greattits, 2 lonesome, for a change (!) Starlings, normally thousands of the Bu@@ers, 1 Magpie, my little darling Jenny Wren, who clearly is feeding for more than just herself lately/hopefully! 2 Chaffinches, male & female Spotted Woodpeckers, 1 Thrush, very fat - and absolutely gorgeously for the first time seen in 3 years here, a pair of Coaltits.
(EDIT: Monday midday. It's a pity I'm not doing the RSPB Watch today. It's trying to snow here, and, if I told you there were nearing 75 Redwings, or are they Fieldfares? in the Orchard and surrounding trees, I would be underestimating. There's 22 just in one tree! Probably the most amazing personal wildlife moment of my life, apart from when I went Badger-watching in the dark as a small girl....)

In case I haven't thanked any of you latest joiners of The Funny Farm blog from around the world, recently, with a total of 51 countries now, we've been joined by Denmark, Indonesia, New Zealand, Nepal, Serbia, Taiwan, Mexico - and just why I'm wanting to run out into the garden and hang out The Funny Farm Bunting I'm not entirely sure, but I'm very excited to be joined by Brunei.
Respectfully, I hope that it IS your Royal Highness, and that you are more 'amused' by what you read here than maybe Queen Victoria might have been in her day.

And to finish my latest tardy Blog update, (through the amazingly comfy earphones that Paulie's mate Pip gave him today for his Birthday, as Trousers says they won't fall off my head when I'm upside-down Gardening My Sox Off in the next couple of months!) I shall MOSTLY be (dribbling) listening to: 'Some Kind Of Wonderful' by Micky Bubbles from his Crazy Love Album on my P-Pod this week. If any of you know him, tweet him regularly, love this space, 'Some Kind Of Wonderful' is what I've chosen to share with the rest of my world this week, and if he himself would like to leave me a message here on the strength of that, I'd be eternally grateful.
Bless you all for listening.
Until next time, Stay Safe and Keep Warm.
Wellie. X

SMILE OUT LOUD

2012-01-15T18:45:00.000-08:00

Trust me... Just ignore the pastry for now?
Down On The Funny Farm this week Children, Wellie has been working very very hard on the 2012 Village Produce Show. She's importantly booked the Village Hall, written to invite all her Judges, and emailed (I know, don't faint...) the Parish Magazine, giving the date of the show along with Art & Photographic Titles.
However..... I nearly had heart failure this morning, because one of my new Judges telephoned me saying that she wouldn't be able to judge for me on that date, because it was the same day as The Llandogo Show, and she (as well as my other six new Judges) would be judging there? Well see the blood drain from Wellie's face why don't you... Luckily, she checked with her friend, phoned me back, and confirmed that she'd got her dates muddled - by which time, I'd called for an Ambwlance, (Welsh for Ambulance), received a bit of Vinny Jones on my Sovereign to the tune of 'Staying Alive', and located my calender. Joking about the Ambulance, but wish I wasn't about Mr. Jones?!...The blood eventually returned to my face as I poured my first glass of Pinot Grigio later in the afternoon. And Eileen, if you're listening love, you'll be getting one less square of homemade fudge than the others on August 26th?..Nothing personal Sweetheart......

Just because it's no threat to national security, I'm going to tell you the Subject Titles I've chosen for Art in this year's Show. What I personally know about Painting & Drawing, would quite comfortably fit onto the back of a British Postal Stamp. However, I do know from previous Show Schedules that Artists are guided by things called Portrait, Still Life, Nature, Landscapes, Seascapes, and the like. So I chose: 'Portraying The Likeness', And this one, I am so dead proud of : 'It's Still There!' - it honestly makes me cry laughing? (oh do grow up Wellie!), 'Drawing from Mother Nature's Bounty', 'Distance Lends Enchantment to The View', 'From The Water's Edge', and a thought-provoking extra entitled 'In My Mind's Eye', which could also cover any unforseen Abstract eventuality.

Then in the Photographic Section, I've tried to cover the following for 2012: Special Events, People, Old, Emotion, Activity, Animal, Weather, Colour, Shape and Water. In that order: 'That Was A Day I Will Never Forget', 'Face to Face', 'Garden Tools', which I've stolen from last year's Llandogo Show because it was so beautifully portrayed by their own entries, 'My Magical Moment', 'Every Picture Tells A Story...', 'Country Companions', 'To Everything There Is A Season', 'The Sky's The Limit', 'Enchanting Circles' (London Olympics -see what I did there?!), and lastly 'Still Waters Run Deep'.

Now thankfully, all of that will make the February edition of The Parish Magazine, so people can begin pulling Artistic and Photographic Rabbits out of their Hats.

I've emailed Medina (no, don't faint again...) and asked her to suggest a date for our next 'Pecan & Maple Syrup Danish Pastry Meeting', when, if we get time, we'll be able to knuckle down and discuss The Fruit & Veg, Floral, Cookery, Crafts and Ankle-Biters' Sections of The Schedule.

Okay, you can look at The Pastry now. As you can see, My Gardening Cat helped me make this this afternoon....for what I'm calling A Pauper's Pie (I'm saving my pennies for Bird Nuts to feed the, not one, but now two whole Spotted Woodpeckers in my garden eating me out of house and home) Just because Trousers and I aren't sick of the sight of Turkey anymore, I defrosted some of the leftover Christmas bird, which Trousers put together with leftover Christmas Ham and the meat off last week's brace of Peasants. Wellie pulled a 'bolted' Leek from the kitchen garden, and with some roasted Pink Fir Apple Potatoes, that was our magnificently tasty Sunday Lunch - BC just had Peasant.

To explain what I mean in that 'Every Picture Tells A Story', I'll give you an example: Not only does this picture tell you that it's a sunny day, that Spring is on it's way, that my little garden friend has not yet woken in the 9 years of living with us, but that there's a broken pane of greenhouse glass on the grass. The Jackanory here, is that it's a 10'x8' greenhouse, falling apart, the Nectarine tree isn't a posh one on a dwarfing rootstock, it has grown through the roof for the third time in three years, and because the greenhouse glass wasn't replaced earlier to keep the rain off, it's now going to suffer from Peach Leaf Curl, meaning that Trousers is in a lot of trouble.......

Now don't you dare laugh at my Savoy Cabbages! We had a very respectable one on New Years' Eve, and I have witnesses! These babies will hopefully be ready in what us Kitchen Garden Cheffy-Peeps call 'The Hungry Gap', when most other homegrown veg have all been harvested, and there's nothing new ready yet. I'm getting dead 'cited about The Purple Sprouting Broccoli though.... one of my absolute favourite vegetables - but aren't they all! And Denis Cotter's Paradiso Seasons Cookbook (ISBN 0-9535353-4-7) is well worth getting, just for his 'Purple Sprouting Broccoli with Dried Tomatoes and Garlic on a Corn Pancake of Leeks and Puy Lentils', with A Rosemary Cream, if you beg my culinary pardon!

Just ONE of the reasons, as a gardener, that I love Kitchen Gardening so much, is that even if you tried, you couldn't come close to being as professional as Mother Nature at grouping together such magical combinatioins of colours, shapes, sizes, and textures. The sheer beauty of the purple Kale and Purple Sprouting Broccoli in the picture below, with the similarity of hue in leaves and florets of two very different-tasting crops.......was a complete and utter accident on my part, but magic to look at.

But just because something's pretty to the eye, it doesn't mean it has to stay there and be admired until it's useless for the table, whether it be Vegetable, Animal, or Mineral.

Now then, my i-pod nano choice for this week, (Wellie's "p-pod"), is Tony Christie's 'Is This The Way To Amarillo'. It makes me Smile Out Loud to think of Ronnie Corbet in that brilliant video of Peter Kay's Charity 'Amarillo' Spoof a few years ago.
Keep Safe, Stay Warm, and Thank You For Listening.
Wellie.X

2012: Love ALL Of It....

2012-01-08T15:18:00.000-08:00

...Because the things that don't go to plan, sometimes are the 'blindingly obvious', which you've neglected to take notice of, or do anything about, which is Completely Bonkers, if you'd only given it a moment more thought.

If you are now completely hooked on Funny Farm Blog reading, of Wellie & Trousers' Adventures Down On The Funny Farm, you will be familiar with The Satsuma Sparkler Park, The Big Ben Bubble Bongs and The Forest Floor of New Years' Eve.
If you're not, you'll think Wellie has finally 'flipped' and needs securing in a white coat with the wrap-around arm-thingies....with people on call to come and take her away.
Far from the truth my friends....
What you are yet UNaware of Children, is that in the following wee small hours, after we'd all retired to The Land of Nod, there was a bit of Kafkaesque happening in the Kitchen...?
Lucky for Wellie, Herself gets up far later than He, and Friends in The Guest Room, so Trousers got to clean the mess up Himself. I don't know about you, but in this particular household, my Gardening Cat and I do a 'High Five', and collectively call that: 'A Result'...?

Wellie's four 2 litre bottles of homebrewed Ginger Beer were on the floor between the warm Rayburn, and the outside of the old pine dresser, which, quite frankly, makes her 'A Muppet of the Highest Order', because one of the bottles did indeedy explode, all over the kitchen (See Exhibit 'ExGB')

For the 'film buff' in you: "You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
But thankfully, it only blew a small hole in the side of the dresser, losing me an only bottle of Elderberry & Rosehip Cordial, and not my precious Wellie/Tamasyn-Day-Lewis unctious Tomato & Saffron Quiche Tomato Sauce Mix - Phew!!
Now though, for Elf'n'Safety reasons, the remainder of the Ginger Beers are in The Kitchen Garden (Mother Nature's own refrigerator)....
...which half reminds me to tell you that yesterday, through the Great British Postal Service, I received my Certificate for passing Level 2 Food Safety & Hygiene Course back in October last year?!

And that brings me to the second Noo Year Disaster (go on, go on, go on.... say it like Craig Revel Horwood: disASSter dAHling!): because the tabletop planter with the Wallflower Seedlings in has had way too much rain, and the bottom has fallen out of its world. Never mind..... Wellie will pick up the pieces in the next week or two!, like she's short of things to do....Doh!

With the annual RSPB Garden Birdwatch Survey, normally the last weekend in January, and my constant adoration for my own, I've brought the dilapidated feeding station closer to the kitchen, as it keeps getting blown over in these high winds, wrecking it even further ('Wellie Workshop Wonderman' to the rescue jolly soon to make a new one, I promise you girls?)

And because not all of our New Years' Eve Dessert; 'The Forest Floor' was enjoyed by Ian (see Wellie shake her head - a joy to cook for is 'Our Ian'....), some of it got recycled and elevated to 'The Bird Table Floor'. Wellie's Robin wasted no time, but it took a while for the delicate darling bluetits and bolshy great-tits to remotely cotton onto what it was and how to attack it, but since then, it's been like Kids in a sweetie shop with a whole year's pocket money. Even ground-feeders like Dunnocks have been up there! One cutesie little bluetit was so excited, it kept popping over to look at itself in the kitchen window, so I filled a small bowl with birdseed for it, which was ignored, until the Robin found it later.

My Gardening Cat worries me sometimes.... Anything Wellie wants to do, she wants to do too...
and my gorgeous garden birds don't just have HER to watch out for in The Kitchen Garden,
as you can see from Trousers' spectacular photo of this Sparrow Hawk yesterday.

Thankfully, even though there were a handful of HouseSparrows, not three feet from it hiding in the Shrub Rose, it misjudged it badly, getting tangled up in the stems, and falling rather unceremoniously to the ground, looking round like a wounded cat, who "meant to do that?"!
Trousers also spotted a rather lovely Fieldfare, and our resident Spotty Woodpecker spent a leisurely 10 minutes on the nut feeder this morning for breakfast, which'll be one reason why Wellie's not got two brass farthings to rub together anymore this month?!

Incidentally, I'd just like to welcome Taiwan and Mexico, and.... ALL OF YOU new to the blog over the festive season because it really makes me smile to know that more of you around the world are here for the fun that I'm having now.

And.....Just in case you'd quite forgotten, in amongst my more recent other passionate pastimes, that I grow all our own fruit and veg as well, I shall be bringing more of our Kitchen Garden exploits to you once again as the 2012 Growing Season unfolds. Some of you are under the impression that I know what I'm doing? Once again, I'll let you be the judge of that!

Medina and I had our first 2012 Itton Village Produce Show meeting in The Funny Farm Kitchen on Friday, and if she keeps bringing 'sustenance' with her (read Pecan & Maple Danish Children?), Wellie will have to choose a completely different posh frock to fit into for the Show in August?! No word of a lie, it is going to be an 'absolute cracker' of a show this year - SO exciting...... And I owe a huge service to those of you who helped steer me in the right directions last year.

Wishing You Every Single Goodness That You Wish For Yourselves This Year,
and may I suggest that you listen to my very favourite Adele this week from her 21 album, entitled:: The One And Only?
Wellie
X

Absolutely NO New Year Resolutions

2012-01-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

And there's a very good reason for that Boys'n'Girls?

I kid you not, Trousers told me that I played my Kid Rock iTune download 38 times on my iPod over Christmas and New Year....and I've played it many more times since, because it's a song that actually inspires me, but every time I hear it on BBC Radio 2 it's different, because I think of 'the bigger picture'. Is that Sad or Special to you?

I started my own New Year with no New Year Resolutions completely on purpose. And I'll tell you for why:

I want my 2012 to be completely unadulterated, so that I'm not setting myself up, unnecessarily, for failure before I even start?....
I want to start 2012 with a much more Positive Attitude, and attract many more positives into every minute, every hour, and every day of my life, because I truly believe that I deserve that in my life.

Kid Rock's 'The Least That I Can Do Is Care' is a positive song, and everyone loves music, so it's a lovely way to share a simple message with those of you who love to read my blog.
No more, and no less.
Bless You for watching.
Wellie.
X

FUNNY FARM FESTIVE FEAST & A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

2012-01-03T12:57:00.000-08:00

There's nothing quite as festive as a beautiful and richly-laid Dining Table, completely 'on fire' with church candles and such excellent company. The chatter and laughter only punctuated by the sound of silence, boys'n'girls, as the Funny Farm Merlot mysteriously disappeared from the decanters.....

Medina and I had braved Waitrose for my list of last-minute ingredients during the week, excusing ourselves through blockades of Monmouthshire Wrinklies wishing each other 'The Compliments of The Season Darling', and latterly, whilst Ian and Medina went 'Ooop North' for a day'o'two, Wellie put her proverbial pinny on:

To start, I combined chopped Smoked Chicken Breast with a little cream and mayonnaise (for the boys), and a Smoked Fish vegetarian version for Medina, which I also enjoyed to keep her company. Both of these I served with a medley of braised fennel & puy lentils, Funny Farm sunblush tomatoes, a drizzle of their oil, lambs lettuce and melba toast on the side.

Followed by a little Denis Cotter number of Haloumi with a sweet pepper, chilli & caper sauce, (turn of phrase I think you'll find, and not suggesting that Denis is little, obviously....!)

With men having 'hollow legs', and the sheer price of a decent-sized Steak these days, Medina and I decided to go with Venison Steak, padded out with thick Venison Sausages, and for ourselves, Asian-spiced Tilapia fillets.
Both of which were served with roasted root vegetables, Funny Farm savoy cabbage, but no Funny Farm red cabbage, because Wellie forgot to serve it....doh! and gorgeous Denis Cotter Wild Rice, Parsnip & Potato Rosti, which I absolutely adore, at any time of the day, or night (and yes to the gorgeous, with huge respect to Maureen.X)

Afterwards, Marmalade Queen and I, discovering that we're both huge fans of the Irish singer, Juliet Turner, excused ourselves from the table, to 'Burn The Black Suit' and 'Take The Money And Run' whilst throwing together a few Wellie 'shapes' in the form of her innovative and creative dessert: The Royal Forest of Dean Woodland Floor - 'as ya do' if you live on the edge of The Forest, and bordering the beautiful Welsh countryside.

And don't ask me why the two of us are acting like identical twins with a guilty pleasure, playing 'this little piggy' with our pinkies, because I have ABsolUTEly no idea what's going on there, other than that MIGHT be where some of the Funny Farm Merlot disappeared to Children?

Medina was 'blown away', because during the week she'd asked me if I'd ever made my own Petit Fours before, and how she loved them. So with that in mind, Wellie made the Forest Floor as one big rectangular Florentine (milk chocolate on the underside), and two lots of Chocolate Crackle Cookies, because the first batch didn't 'do' what I wanted them to do - which then worked out brilliantly, because the first batch became the dark chocolate mushroom 'stalks' quite by accident, with the second batch magnificently sitting on top. A scattering of homemade Toffee and a handful of homegrown Physalis (Cape Gooseberries) dipped in chocolate.....mmmm!
And lastly, I'd wanted to make James Martin's 'Coffee Mushrooms' dessert as well, but didn't want Coffee Icecream as the stalks, so decided to make Coffee Creme Caramels, and continue with his recipe using shaped Tuille Biscuits for the mushroom caps, and actually, even I have to give myself Smartie Points, because that worked and tasted like a dream.

And with a little help from Janet Reger, dessert was served!

The four of us somehow managed to pop the cork on a bottle or two of Bubbles somewhere in time to The Bongs of Big Ben, each of us holding a numerical sparkler (2, 0, 1, & 2).

So..... depending on who was standing next to, or hugging who at the time, as you'll see from the chaotic Satsuma 'sparkler park' on the table, we're not entirely sure what Century we welcomed in?

Joking!

And as lovely as Trousers and I are to our friends, we'd invited them to stay the night at The Funny Farm, with Brekkie kind of 'thrown in' to make it more of a magical experience.

Ian and Medina donated their own home-farmed Piggy Sausages, and freshly laid eggs, I'd made some of Ultan Walsh's Missus's Chestnut Sausages (honestly - make them, they are 'to die for'), along with Denis's brekkie pancakes. I had no tofu for my 'Chessages', so what us cheffy peeps tend to do is 'wing it', and substituted homemade vegetarian dumplings instead, which worked a treat.

And Trousers excelled himself by taking charge of it all from The Rayburn end of the kitchen.

It was GOR-GEE-OUS Darlings!

And there I am going to love you and leave you, because I've got Ham, Chips & Pineapple waiting with my name on, a Morgan Freeman film, a nice fire, Trousers, and a cuddly cat just waiting to cozy on down with.

Bless You For Watching once again. A Very Happy New Year to all of you.

Wellie.X

The Least That I Can Do Is Care.....

2011-12-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

....And This Chrismas, it's to tell you that Trousers is always brilliant at Being Him. He makes me laugh all year long, and makes me cry laughing, sometimes for seconds on end?, and I sometimes forget just what he means to me in the small scale of this big world. All year round we truck along, living, as we do... a couple....with no ankle-biters to speak of, but with a cat that has a sense of humour to die for, sent to us from heaven, absolutely on purpose, to make every single day of our lives very special, to make up for it....and I couldn't wish for a better wish to come true in either one of them.

Does this look like a man that's 'Burning CDs?'.... Forgive me, but I don't see bonfire smoke...?
Trousers went Christmas Shopping, and told me he had 'an Epiphany', but I knew what he meant, because on Christmas Day he gave me an Ipiphany, which has brought your Auntie Wellie into the 2012 Century, for to listen to her eclectic music tastes all day every day, tickling her musical fancy wherever she is, from Tom Waits to Juliet Turner. And if I can fathom how to get an FM signal between Classic and the other one that isn't Radio 2 as well on it before I go nuts, I'll be smiling from Ear to Ear/Here to Here.

BLOKES, LOOK AWAY?........Girlfriends, Girlfriends, Girlfriends..... Janet Reger Undies used to be exclusively for ladies with many more pennies than you and I, but I promise you, now they are much more affordable for the likes of us, and if You or Your Loved One want anything as gorgeous as these, you have Trousers now to Thank for showing you these morsels of delight. (Nod Nod, Wink Wink, Say No More?!)
But it's personal touches of L O V E Boxes, which I LOVED, (but could have spelled VOLE, if I'd opened them in the wrong order) sporting the matching knickers, and all were a bottom size of 12, which I am not remotely. How easily one can fall from grace Children?

And let's face it, Trousers makes me feel like A Pretty Woman, like Julia Roberts, in Richard Gere's Penthouse Bath, singing my heart out to my very first chosen i-wotsit download in my entire life.

As insignificant as we all are in this world, I'd like to end my own year, asking you to join me in listening to Kid Rock, Marty McBride and TI.

I can't think of a nicer sentiment to start 2012 in,

The Least That I Can Do Is Care....X

My Love To Each And Every Single One Of You

Every Day, Do Something Nice For Someone Else.X,

Wellie.

A Festive Kick Inside.....

2011-12-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Naivety in your own mind, but Nativity in mine, because you may be thinking that this is just another Wellie photographic shot of a Funny Farmhouse Rainbow.... and you'd be entirely wrong my friends. This Rainbow stops only where the mechanics of the working farm actually begins....

At the end of this Rainbow, IS a Yellow Brick Road, but no Dorothy with Red Shoes, just A WellieGirl in mucky WellieBoots, watching and learning, looking and loving. The Ewes, expertly being herded 'One Man and His Dog'-stylie by Ben and Shep into this corner, are where gorgeous little Spring Lambs are counted inside Mummies Tummies well before they are even born, and this is only just a part of this side of The Funny Farm. It 'rocks' for me on a monumental scale, every hour of every day, every week, every month and every year, and if I died and went to Heaven tomorrow, I'd have to come back for holidays at least twice a week?

Trousers bought 3 bottles of red wine for a tenner on his way home s'evening, because I'd not got the next batch of homebrewed red ready yet, and what he bought was so Rubbash that I had to turn it into 'Mulled' for him, which every Muppet knows, doesn't make it less Rubbash?!

But it's a nice lesson learned on his part, because I think he appreciates the time it takes to put these things together for him now.
With "Lashings of Ginger Beer" on the go as well Children, I think that Enid Blyton would be very proud of me if she were alive this Christmas......

I'm loving your comments starting to come in now: Jelliebabe, Beefy & Squirrel, and huge hugs to all three of you who have been such fabulous supporters here for me. X.

Mindful of tragedies around other corners of our globe, my love to you and yours', keep safe, keep warm, and I'll see you next time.X

I'LL GIVE YOU A CHRISTMAS WELLIE HUG FOR ONE OF YOURS'?

2011-12-14T15:46:00.000-08:00

And let's face it.... it's a lot cheaper than going to the shops, buying a Crimble Card'n'A Stamp, going to post it.... to somewhere ABROAD, waiting an age for one in return, spending loads of time crossing people off your Chrissy Card List for those that can't be @rsed to send one back???!

So, like my friend Jelliebabe, you can save yourself a fortune, and wish Me, Trousers and my Gardening Cat a very merry one, and encourage me to continue writing my Funny Farm Blog for you in 2012, by becoming A Funny Farm Follower, and leaving me messages 'to your hearts content' throughout the year.
(And may I just completely 'Name Drop' now, just because I can, that my very very favourite Denis Cotter Irish Vegetarian Chef has viewed my blog this year, and his girlfriend, Maureen, left me a lovely comment a few months back, for which I'm eternally grateful). Merry Christmas Denis and Maureen.X.

Each and every one of you are most welcome as you visit The Funny Farm Blog this Festive Season, whether it be Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter throughout the very British Seasons, whether I be photographing The Farm, The Aminals, The Gardening Cat, The Fruit'n'Veg, The Herbs'n'Flowers, My Next Novelty Cake, Preserves, or The Love Of My Life.....
..Tiz The Season To Be Jolly right now?
Mmmm......but now IS the time to lock your Dad in the Downstairs' Cupboard Children, so that his 'Dad Dancing' doesn't spoil any of your Festivities before The Noo Year is out?!
Normally, The Cat and I put a small trail of Cheese leading into The Cellar.....?!

Around The World, you've taken to following my Blog, and I thought it would be incredibly beautiful to join all of our hands right now, take a look at each other, and smile into each others' eyes.
It's up to you as an individual as to how long you want to maintain eye contact with each other, but here, I could look into your eyes, and hold your hand forever. So - take yours' in mine right now and hold it, because we have:.........

Australia, Austria, Botswana, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Czech Republic, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iran, Ireland, India, Israel, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lebanon, Mauritius, Moldova, Netherlands, Pakistan, Portugal, Poland, Phillippines, Russia, Spain, Singapore, Slovenia, Slovakia, Sweden, Switzerland, South Korea, Turkey, United Kingdom, United States, Ukraine, United Arab Emirates and Venesuela. (and Welcome to you in New Zealand today!X)

All of you have 'Blown My Frock Up' by reading what I've written this year, and for that I sincerely Thank You.X

Keep Safe, Stay Warm, Hug The Ones You Love, and I'll See You Next Time.X

Welcome to Wellie's Workshop

2011-12-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

Oh no - my mistake, it's The Kitchen Table!....... But with our friends Gordon and Christine coming to stay at The Funny Farm this weekend, I had to 'Get A Wriggle On' and start making his birthday cake. Gordon is a very skilled Carpenter Children, so Wellie knew that only the right tools for the right job would do if her next novelty cake was to be a success.

I started nervously by fashioning a few screws and nails, gaining confidence with two rawplugs and a tapemeasure - stopping little and often for Dutch Courage - or was it Pinot Grigio?........ a spirit level here, a screwdriver there, a chisel and some woodglue, until finally, with my eyes shut, hands tied behind my back, the saw and drill magically appeared like I knew what I was doing. Amazing!

I think the smile on Gordie's face says it all. And if you're thinking that you've seen his face before, you wouldn't be wrong. Take a closer look...

Yup! Gordon IS that talented Carpenter you saw on BBC1's special televised Royal British Legion Countryfile just a few weeks ago. He was putting the finishing touches to the Mission Impossible gigantic Poppy I told you about in a previous Blog. Trousers and Gordie built and painted it especially for the programme to proudly join the chalky badges on that steep Fovant hillside.

For now, Stay Safe, Keep Warm, and I'll see you next time.X

First Wellie Letter to Santa Claus

2011-12-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

Put the Paintbrush down, step away from the Grip Fill, Breathe, and R.E.L.A.X.......

(To be perfectly honest, Wellie absolutely adored the Janet Reger Bra & Matching Wotsits last Christmas, Santa, and wondered whether the same Elf was available to shop for you again this year Sweetheart?)

Honestly, if you're as passionate as I am about growing fruit and vegetables, herbs and flowers, you'll already have an unsightly Compost Heap kind of Hubble-Bubble-Toil'n'Troubling in the darkest, furthest corner of your garden, which is brilliant, because that is most definitely 'The Engine Room' of your entire plot.... But during the winter months, exactly who, in their right minds, wants to put their Wellies and Waterproofs on to take a couple of Kitchen Peelings out there, when you could have an indoor equivalent, with care, procuring you the most valuable of nutrient-richness to hand for seed-sowing in the Spring months?

My friend Emma, who is incredibly Green, has treated herself to one already.
Wellie being Wellie, has read The Destruction Manual, will be licking her finger, sticking it in the air, seeing which way the wind is blowing, and will attempt to make her own 'Wellie Workshop Wormery' in the New Year with bits of 4x2/2x4 (Sheila Joke, obviously!).

So, if the Granny'n'Gramps Brussel Sprout Farting Competitions leave you feeling less than entertained over the festive period, Wellie's Funny Farm Blog will surely be one to watch during Christmas for sheer entertainment factor, whether you live on Planet Earth, or not..

Talking of which, when I proffered my WORLDWIDE HUG from The Funny Farm Blog just ever so recently, I didn't purposely set out for the entire world to start reading my blog, only to hug and applaude those of you who already do. So a very warm welcome to Hong Kong and Japan today.

You're all either dead rich and hopping all over the world on holiday, or texting your mates to come join in the fun, because the entire world are starting to sit on my proverbial doorstep.

Either way, I love you being here.

Keep Safe, Keep Warm, And I'll See You Next Time.
Wellie.
X

Wellie Boots Woman Flu

2011-11-27T12:10:00.000-08:00

Having momentarily tunneled my way out of the Funny Farm Kitchen, I found Trousers in the sitting room the other evening laughing his head off at a TV commercial for Boots (the chemist, not the designer rubber ones you stick on your feet for the garden?). It's an old advert, and other chemists are available.....but this ad is suitably aired during the 'Man Flu Season', and very succinctly acts out what women already know, and men have little knowledge of.

So... with Trousers and Pip off out Metal Detecting at The Crack of Sparrow F@rt this morning, BC Gardening Cat Extraordinaire took it upon herself to come and 'make puddings' on Wellie, waking me to procure her breakfast, and my first medicine of the day. She had Salmon flavoured pussy cat pouch, and Wellie had a Lemsip with a tablespoon of honey and a slug of homemade Elderberry & Rosehip Syrup to take the nasty taste away, taking the brew back up the spiral stone steps to Bedforshire.

What Joy! Hug in A Mug, Cuddly Cat with a full tummy, BBC Radio 2, and a double bed all to myself, to drift in and out of The Land Of Nod for as long as I liked.

Unfortunately, once I'd drifted in and out of consciousness for three hours, the boredom factor kicked in, and I decided that it was time to put more of a sparkle into my day. Ten minutes later, there was a Banana, Frozen Garden Raspberry , OJ and Elder/Rosehip Smoothie on the go, and then it was time to make some Comfort Food, because Trousers will be cold and hungry by the time he returns from digging up Romans.
He returned without any freshly dug-up Romans, but there's always another day, eh?!

I know you won't believe me, but I chose a Denis Cotter recipe?! namely, Celeriac, Leek & Potato Gratin, with capers and thyme.
With some of the Autumn Leeks in my kitchen garden starting to run to seed, I harvest them, remove the inner 'unuseable', chop and gently saute in butter, then freeze in Muffin moulds to use at my pleasure later. So, rather than catch my death of cold harvesting fresh leeks in the garden today, I defrosted some of those to use in the gratin. With those Leeks, Celeriac, Orla Potatoes, and home-preserved 'pretend' Nasturtium capers, and Thyme just outside the door, I'm feeling much more human now, Thank You For Asking?!

Incidentally, whilst I've got your attention, AND the fact that peoples from Greece, Moldova, Slovenia and Brazil are now also reading The Funny Farm Blog (so we're hugging 31 countries Worldwide now, which is just brilliant.X) It's time to put some serious thought into writing to Santa Claus with your Christmas List.

For now, Keep Safe, Keep Warm, and I'll see you next time.X

Culinary Mountain versus Garden Molehill

2011-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Trousers says that these are the best Celeriac I've ever grown.
He isn't wrong, but let me burst my own bubble for you, just to tell you that these were the best three out of six or so, pulled from my Kitchen Garden this afternoon - the others resembling a well-known nursery rhyme. Here, it's about an Old Slug in a Shoe, not an Old Woman!

I also harvested the remainder of my Summer and Red Cabbages, wanting to create some noo and exciting vegetarian dishes, selfishly for myself, and too, for preserving for the leaner months of the year, the latter of which is extremely important to me.

To be perfectly honest, there's a desperate need in my life for a chef to create recipes within their books, particularly vegetarian books, for produce that's in season 'all at the same time', that I can find inspiration from, not only to cook now with, but to PRESERVE that medley of a glut by whatever means, whether it be 'bottling/canning', freezing, preserving in oil/vinegar, or downright sitting on it until it gives up the will to live, because 'use it or lose it/waste not want not' doesn't even begin to touch on my tastebuds when I'm wanting to make a culinary mountain out of a garden molehill my friends.....

The Savoys, Red & Green Brussels, Purple Sproutings, Leeks & Swedes can stand in line in the garden until I have use of them 'Center Stage', or otherwise, because they're hardy to withstand the ravages of Mother Nature. And that's largely why I'm Denis Cotter's biggest fan, because he pulls the vegetarian equivalent of Rabbits out of his hat every single season for me on a personal kitchen level, with top banana flavour ideas that blow my frock up..., and you can adapt the ingredients.
But I'm sure I'm not unusual these days, being a great believer in growing 'seasonally', wanting to 'make hay when the sun shines', and wanting to preserve every essence of what I've lovingly grown from seed.

And I thought, before the frosts arrive, that I'd furtle around for any evidence of my newly-grown Carribbean Sweet Potatoes....

... No.... Honestly.....The fact that you are rolling around on the floor laughing with tears streaming down your face next to me, means that we share exactly the same planet.....X.
This is my very first attempt at growing Sweet Potatoes, and this is my harvest from two out of four Jamie Oliver 'slips' bought from Homebase, planted into the ground with more cow manure than you could shake a stick at. Having paid a lot of money for them, I would've been far better to buy the actual potatoes, grown by someone more capable than me, direct from a beautiful carribbean shop in Bristol, pay the fuel 'there and back' to collect them, AND the £5.something extortionate Bridge Toll to get myself back into Wales on the way home as well, and still have change for a bottle of Pinot Grigio. No?!

But that's gardening for you. You win some, and inevitably, you lose some. Personally, I wouldn't have it any other way, because all the while, I'm learning.

A big Thank You to all of you around the world in now 27 whole countries here with me, because since I last looked, we've also got hugs from Australia, the Czech Republic, Hungary, Israel, Italy, Singapore and the United Arab Emirates. And I sincerely Welcome Each and Every One of You with open arms.

Keep Safe, Keep Warm, and I'll see you next time.
Wellie.
X

Laugh? I Nearly Bought A Round!

2011-11-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

Tommy Cooper: "Bottle Glass, Glass Bottle..." Hhhhhh.....

And to be perfectly honest with you, if I were Trousers, I wouldn't be proposing an Arm Wrestling Match this evening.?!

Long gone are the days when someone gave you a bottle of homemade wine, and you dreaded the day when you had to open it in front of them and pretend to enjoy it......

I never EVER imagined in my wildest dreams that one day I would ever attempt to make wine. I thought it would be way too difficult, and far too complicated for my Pooh Bear Brain, (I sometimes do myself down?) and here I am, courage in my own hands, perfectly achieving that, understanding how it works, and that's exactly why I'm here telling you about it. If you're a little shy of trying it yourself, please, stick with me, and I promise you that I'll improve your confidence so that you feel as able to do this as I do, because these kits now SO emulate the real deal, and if you love wine, you'll profit to your hearts' content..
No disrespect to Miss Piggy or Kermie, but you'd have to be a complete MUPPET these days not to succeed.

Today, in Wellie's Kitchen, I'm bottling my very first attempt at Pinot Grigio, from a dead easy wine kit. Getting myself used to the process, procedure and equipment. And to be perfectly honest, I was setting myself up to 'cock it up' on a grand scale - just in cases....?

Allegedly, you'd want to be fermenting at 'above ambient room temperature'. I'm not sure what yours' would be, but our room temperature didn't even top 18c when I started, with no central heating, so I left it to ferment twice as long as was specified, testing the gravity until it fell below 1,000 and eventually tasted it with a spoon and it was gorgeously dry!

Once I'd got the confidence of the Pinot Grigio (Cantina 5-day 21 litre - http://www.hambletonbard.com/), and the 135 freebie bottles & screwtops from the lovely Ragmans Lane Farm peeps washed and sterilised within an inch of their lives, if you look beyond Wellie in the first photo, you'll spy 23 litres of Yarrawanga Creek Australian Blend Cabernet Sauvignon (http://www.vinland.se/) fermenting like a good'un with the heat from the Rayburn now at 23c.

I'm wanting to draw your attention to the wine rack that Trousers rather reluctantly put together for me this afternoon Children, because I bought it in 'kit form' for him today, and all he had to do was put it together with the help of the Destruction Manual. Well..... I'm here to tell you that the array of swear-words, the foul language and cussing, was quite alarming. Such that I wished I'd covered the cat's ears, and put it together myself.

Trousers will hate me for drawing your attention to this, but I'd just like to show you one of my Wellie Workshops: Can YOU spot Wellie's homemade Herb & Spice Rack in a previous blog Kids?
Put together with a well thought out and measured approach: measure the height and width of the jars PLUS room to grab the jar off the shelf with your pinkies. Make the shelves level and the whole thing attractive, in a cool, dark corner of the kitchen, but prom enough to be enjoyed visually to want to use.
Marks out of ten Gordon?!

With Trousers and I having 'pushed each other to the limit' today, and each of us having thrown each others' teddies out of a number of prams Children, I chose to do something special for him this evening, because I adore him, and I've been threatening to do this for years just because I love him: and that's to make him some homemade Ginger Beer.
He absolutely ADORES Ginger Beer.

If I can get it to explode in the same room as him in the next week Children, I shall be a very proud woman..? But don't quote me on that, right?

Keep Safe, Keep Warm, and I'll see you next time.X.

WORLDWIDE HUG

2011-11-14T18:44:00.000-08:00

To be perfectly honest, I've been a little shocked to find that my Funny Farm Blog is now not only in the UK, but also widely viewed in the US, Canada, Ireland, Spain, France, Russia, Germany, Sri Lanka, Botswana, Mauritius, India, Latvia, The Netherlands, Ukraine, South Korea, and beyond....and I just wanted now to stand in front of you, with a nice frock on, a glass of wine, and just to thank you all so very much for being here and reading what I write every week.
Feels like a bit of an Award Ceremony, but it's not.
Are all of you completely Nuts?!

A whole packet of Wallflower seeds sown, seedlings up to her proverbial armpits, and Wellie has been that generous to her friends, giving away wallflowers to her hearts content, but has not planted a single seedling in her own garden borders yet, when that was actually the whole sodding point of The Exercise..... (note to self: be way more selfish in future luv)

On a lighter note, I stuck the Hydrometer into the vat of Pinot Grigio that I've got brewing in the kitchen today, and it still isn't reading less than 1,000 sp.gr, (she said through gritted teeth) but my dedication to fermenting and brewing goes far deeper than superfluous, so don't worry your cotton sox my friends.!

I told you about Ragmans Lane Farm, and how brilliant they are, and they very kindly gave me, this week, as many redundant bottles as I could take away, and today, all day, I washed and sterilised 135 of them, with spanking brand new screw-tops.

So! the Hydrometer reading better be 998 tomorrow, or you'll read about a mad woman having jumped off the Old Severn Bridge this week with a fermenting bin under her arm, having finally lost the will to live.

Keep Warm.
Keep Safe.
And See You Here Very Soon.
X

Cool !

2011-11-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

As if not having the noo oil tank taken off the grass in The Woodland Garden and connected to the house yet, to replace the old rusty tank, (which is now fast running out of the emergency oil feeding the only heat-source in the farmhouse) wasn't ENOUGH to alert me to the fact that we're creeping closer to colder weather..... my cat goes and 'rubs it in' that we have insufficient oil for central heating too, by cozying on down in Wellie's JumpyDrawer. I don't encourage this kind of behaviour from her, and it'll teach me not to be so lazy and close the drawer afterwards when I'm next in need of a Woolly Pully.

Mind you, I've been rather inventive on the Woolly Pully front myself last weekend as a matter of fact...

Without the luxury of an airing cupboard, and the progressive decline in heat radiating from the Rayburn in the high-ceiling'd kitchen, I was rather concerned that my Pinot Grigio Wine Making Kit would be struggling to ferment at less than ambient room temperature.

So took a leaf out of my cat's book and employed a Woolly Pully or two for added insulation.

Clever Wellie!

To be perfectly honest, the sound of the fermenting bubbling from the airlock reminds me of Trousers in the bath Children?

A considerable time ago, I had intended to try my hand at a Chardonnay Wine Kit from Wilkinsons, but it was sent to the Cheppie store from Newport or Cardiff, and as I pulled off the delivery label, it ripped off the instructions as well, and I've never done nought with it since.

With the farm aminals troughing on the orchard windfalls still, I did look up about making cider today, and have convinced myself that I ought to give that a bit of a punt too, whilst there are still fruits to be had. Sweet apples will make a sweet cider (Doh!) and Bramleys will make a dry one.

The 'Invincible Pears' that I grew this year from the tree I bought last year, I've bottled in a Cider Syrup, so to make my own cider to use next time around makes perfect sense.

So this noo playtime practice is a rather belated string to my bow, to keep one amused whilst one reads the book on how to make one's own cheese, yoggy, butter and stuff.

And before I go, I've got yet another welcomed opportunity to extend my novelty cake repertoire in the coming weeks, and I look forward to sharing it with you.

For now, keep it here, keep watching, and I'll see you next time.X

Who's Queen?

2011-11-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

"Who's Queen?" is a question that I ask here at home on a regular basis, just to keep Trousers and my adorable gardening cat focussed, and anyway, it makes Trousers laugh.
With both of us needing to Go To SpecSavers, (me'n'him, not the kitty-cat kids?), his rather blurred photo of my latest novelty cake, in the making, is marginally better than the blurred one that I took of it myself, so we thought 'hang it', and decided to show you anyways.

It isn't important as to why I decided to make my friend Medina a birthday cake, only that I knew the finished cake would mean something very special to her, given that we're about to organise The Itton Village Show for 2012 together, her being crowned 'Marmalade Queen' in this years' Show, and her lending me a hugely funny book about a Village Show where a Spinach Quiche was entered that killed someone - but that's not important right now....

So - A Marmalade Cake, made to look like a pot of marmalade, with a spoon of marmalade, and Birthday Wishes.

Happy Birthday Medina.X

Who's Queen?!

Take Teacher a Apple Today

2011-10-24T18:09:00.000-07:00

I awoke at 2am this morning, because I was anxious about 'going back to school', in the form of Adult Education, on a Food Hygiene Level 2 Course that I'd personally chosen to explore for my own satisfaction.
I'm a sucker for learning new stuff that 'Blows My Frock Up' and I'm a sucker for BBC Radio 2 at ALL hours of morning, noon and night, and thankfully, hitting that dial Kids, soon began to bang out The Zs again, snoring into my pillow, and dribbling all over The Cat by 4am.
Anyone unsure of my inflection here, should realise that I'm not suggesting BBC Radio 2 'Sends You To Sleep', only that it beautifully lights both ends of my musical candle.

At 7am, with a perfectly-timed rude-awakening from Mr. Evans, my hissy-fit Teas-Made made A Mug of Tea Just For Me... If you're older than me, and haven't got a Teas-Made, you're clearly Completely And Utterly Bonkers.... If you're younger than me: take my advice and get one.
You may think of me as an Abfab 'Eddie' or 'Patsy' but if you yourself had to get out of a nice warm bed approximately three-floors up from Your Kettle, with no evidence of oil central heating yet this Autumn, spiral stone staircases on an outside wall with no carpets and can't find your slippers because you're having 'A Senior Moment', you'd know exactly where I'm coming from....

I'd asked Trousers to set the 'Nat Sav' up for me in my MoneyPenny Truck (4x4xBond) even though I knew roughly where I was going, because I didn't want to be late. So with ample time on my hands before I left, I was able to put together a beautiful and healthy picnic lunch for myself, which made me feel incredibly special, and gave me the added confidence that I felt I needed today.
I know it isn't remotely similar, but it's a bit like having matching Bra and Knickers on, with the only person knowing that being You...?

After two minutes in her company, I got to wondering why not all of us have been blessed with the same ease of personality and confidence as The Fantastic Tutor we were blessed with today, or indeed, that brilliant ability to connect so well with your audience, but felt safe in the knowledge that I would be taught well, and now fed well.

Throughout the day, I found myself surprised on a number of levels:
Surprised at what I actually knew.
Surprised at what I didn't know.
Surprised at what I thought I knew, but was wrong about.

Us 'Students' were a complete mix of genders, generations, race and creed, and we all found an affinity there today, and that itself was so beautifully refreshing.

Come 'Crunch Time'....With 40 minutes on the clock, we had 30 'multiple choice' questions to answer at the end of our tuition.
I'm as intelligent as the next person, but when you're faced with A, B, C or D at the end of six hours or so, you begin to 'not undersand the question' on the piece of paper in front of you.
A bit like University Challenge of a Monday.

I took a methodic approach to it though, answering the questions I knew the answers to immediately, and going back over the questions I was unsure answers to at the end when I was 'calmer' and better able to identify the correct answer.

Be safe in the knowledge that I restricted my t-shirt over the head, running round the place like a bloke having scored a goal on a football pitch till I got back to the safety of my own Living Room.
And thankfully, with Trousers not having arrived home yet, and the cat still asleep in her greenhouse, I was able to do that with as little, or as much decorum and dignity as I felt suited the occasion.

However.... Only I will know....

Shall I let you know if I 'passed'?
Bless You For Watching.
X.

The Biggest Poppy You've Never Seen?

2011-10-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

It'll be a bit like 'Three-Two-One, You're Back In The Room' actually, because Trousers is, right-nowly, on a British Legion , MISSION IMPOSSIBLE....building A Giant Poppy, on a hillside somewhere in The British Countryside...... with The Army, A Televisual Crew, and a teeny-weeny bit of Inclement Weather.

But what makes this more elusive, is that once they've built it, painted it, and televised it....
The Army come in and dismantle it, so there's no trace of it to be seen again.
Forgive me, but in my very Pooh Bear Brain, that's hugely poignant, and I just love that I can now ponder on that in a very special moment or three.
My heart is with all of you in this Nippy Weather Boys?

On the other hand, Wellie is nicely tucked up at home with A Tonne Of Things To Do.... and her beautiful, beautiful Gardening Cat, harvesting everything that moves this evening in her Pretty Productive Garden, on account of our first frost of the year supposed to be happening this very night. That's ME harvesting.... not The Cat?

In His Lordships' absence yesterday, I took custody of a few litres of Oil in our Rusty Old Oil Tank, until the Noo Plastic One comes into service, in order to get the trusty ol' Rayburn Cooker fired up....
Personally, I couldn't even begin to write you a short story on just how much I've missed this Old Girl whilst we've been parted since The Spring, because Wellie and her Rayburn, joined at the hip, are only parted when it's Bedtime. We have a love affair that isn't possible to translate into words....?

Forgive me, I've still not pulled my finger out and rectified the problems with my camera...
But I've made beautiful Pear & Apple Chutney, and am about to embark on a shed-load of Basil Oil, Port-Poached Pears, and every imaginable Soup for the freezer.

The reason I am so excited, is that I have a cauldron of Tomato & Celery Chutney on the floor of the top oven of the Rayburn, that's been there for hours and hours, and might be ready in an hour or two

A Humane Mouse Trap & An Old Fashioned Cheese Press

2011-10-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

It just goes to show, how when you spend far too much time on your Ownesome, that your brain tells you that you should 'Get Out More Luv?'. And this particular weekend, having bought a humane mousetrap to capture my Gardening Cat's Play Thing that's elusively driving me NUTS in The Conservatory, it took a grown man, with Man Flu, to work out how to work the sodding thing! Even though I've used one before....

I was distracted with a Cauldron of Autumn Orchard Chutney bubbling away on the stove, and thinking about the possibility of frost next weekend to bring anything brilliant into the kitchen now finally this week, or lose it. And I'm not going to miss a chance to harvest those fresh herbs every morning now for the next five days, I absolutely PROMISE you.....
The remaining Nasturtium Flower Seeds for 'pretend capers' are looking promising to harvest, and with no damage from Caterpillies on the Nasturtium Leaves at all, I'm prolly going to be able to gather all of those to my hearts content, along with the new young Nettle-Tops for a bit of a Soup or Pesto kind of thing, because I love these days 'Food For Free', when it's so beautifully good for you too.
But me just saying something like that frightens the Pants off me that I'm turning into my own mother nine days from my next birthday.

A Bloke with Man Flu in bed, surrounded by 'stepped out of clothes' all over the carpet, and computer screens and keyboards lovingly hugged up to the bedside so that he needlessly doesn't have to move a muscle if he doesn't want to, is never a pretty sight Girls? So I took him a mug of coffee this morning...
A while later, I blitzed up a Banana, a couple of tablespoons of homemade Rosehip Syrup, Seedless Raspberry puree from the freezer, and some OJ. For which he reluctantly thanked me, but said he didn't like the coffee, so could he have tea instead? He never DRINKS tea?!

Our next door neighbour came out in sympathy, because he got a cold, having run out of Whisky last week, and had to resort to drinking Lemonade..... And when I saw him to sympathise and empathise, I said he should've knocked on the door and tapped me for some Homemade Sloe Whisky?!
He was 'Gutted' that he hadn't known earlier, and wanted to buy some 'immediately'.

Last week, I managed to buy an old-fashioned Cheese Press from a lovely shop in Cheppie, and I'd ordered an American book on how to make cheese, and other dairies, so picked that up at the same time, and then this Saturday, with the same next door neighbour, over a cup of coffee and a slice of Elaine's Gorgeous Coffee Cake, with Christine, Medina and Ian, talked of how Cheese was made by their relatives. The Long And The Short of Which, as I was hugely aware of before we all started the conversation, was that one cannot BUY unpasteurised milk.....
And given that I only want to make cheese with my new cheese press for Trousers and myself...
Can YOU spell 'Symbiotic Relationship' Children?!

I know that I'm Just Jesting, but you know me well enough now to know that I'm incredibly serious in my jesting also..
. I'm incredibly serious about learning the processes that bring any of it together, and just learning new things that I want to know 'Blows My Frock Up'.
When I show signs of not wanting to learn about growing stuff and what to do with it next, you have my full permission to shoot me.

In the meantime, take care of yourselves, and you'll hear from me next week.

GOOD LUCK BOYS

2011-10-14T17:13:00.000-07:00

I've never been prouder in my life to live, and be a part of such a fabulously welcoming community, and you Boys have just 'Iced My Cake'.
Go Get It You Welsh!
Good Luck Boys.
X

Trust Me, I'm A Gardener

2011-10-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

Believe me.......My friend Emma has one hell of a beautiful greenhouse 'to play in' here, and next year, if she'll let me, even though I have three of my own that I enjoy 'playing in', I'm confident that I can grow some truly amazing things for her kitchen. My adorable friend Gloria only introduced me to Emma and her lovely husband just this year, but I'm forever grateful to the both of you for making my life a lot more focussed and special.

We all aspire to wanting to keep a photographic record, as the Seasons evolve, but often, with very many other pressing things happening at once in our lives, it's truly extraordinary how time runs away with you. Ultimately then, you forget how weedy it was back in The Spring, you forget the changes that have taken place, but you remember the beautiful fruit and vegetables that you've harvested over the months, and the stories that you could tell in between - even to exhaustion with The Sodding Runner Beans or Raspberries that Mother Nature has bombarded you with that need picking on a daily basis!

And I know Emma won't mind me applauding their dedication in getting to grips with what to do with the produce of such an enormous Orchard, because there's only so much Jam a person can make without losing the will to live? isn't that true you two?!
At which point in my blog I am going to completely 'Big Up' a place called Ragmans Lane Farm, just off the Wye Valley Road near here, which is where Emma's Husband and I took about eight sacks of Apples that we picked last week for them to Juice'n'Bottle for them, and tomorrow, hopefully, Emma and I will be picking a shed-load of Pears and Apples, for Ragmans to juice into 'Papple' Juice for them. Why buy Organic Bottled Fresh Juice at a hugely inflated price for a whole year when you don't have to? Cool!

On a slightly different 'tack', hard work that you put into reclaiming redundant land this year, for next, allures and charms you, dangling a proverbial Carrot ahead of next years' excitement, with crops that you've dreamed of growing in abundance: Borlotti Beans, Globe and Jerusalem Artichokes, Sweet Potatoes, an abundance of Salad Leaves, anything is perfectly possible to grow in our climate, and those that are either expensive in the shops, or lose their flavour between Harvest and Plate, are particularly 'valuable'. Emma is as adventurous as I am, both in 'the growing department', and latterly, where Kitchen Alchemy amalgamate the two. And when those two things fuse together, well, I just can't help myself - Kid in A Sweetshop?!

It's one thing to sow seed, and in a straight line is not only admirable, but eminently preferable (!), but what many peoples forget, is 'the aftercare', and it's not then wise to let all the weeds dominate the inbetweenie bits between the rows of stuff you've lovingling sown, because you're potentially 'shooting yourself in the foot' and it's then a complete and utter waste of effort up till now to let it continue as such.

Don't get me wrong.... I'm more of your 'Sinner' than your 'Saint' Kids?! - but my personal motto is to Mulch, Mulch, and Mulch. When the soil is free of weeds, every time you mow the grass, put the clippings onto the bare earth. This deprives the newly unearthed weed seedlings of light, and lessens the chance of any of them germinating - then you don't have to waste precious time spent doing weeding rather than other more important gardening duties, and as the grass clippings rot down into the earth, they encourage earthworm activity, and what's called the 'Humus' content of the soil increases, which ultimately feeds your soil for free.

And when you've added a layer of rotted manure , it's far better to cover the ground than leave it open to the elements over the winter, because the earthworms tend to be way more active with a covering, than not.

Plenty more to say, but insufficient time, and time for bed.

Take care of yourselves.

I See Fields Of Green.....Red Roses Too.....

2011-10-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

Not that we were paying too much attention to the beautiful view whilst concentrating on harvesting the Sloes, early of a Sunday evening, but it's not to say that we were ignoring it either. And that's exactly why we took A Bottle of Red, two glasses, and a travelling rug with us on our foraging frenzy...kind of: 'Pick One, sit down and Sip One'?!, which sounds like it's got the potential of a rather amusing Party Game to me...

The last time we came up here, the young Heffers were more than inquisitive of us, and so, once we'd harvested our Wild Garlic leaves, identified the potential Autumnal harvest site, we left the aminals well alone. Probably a wise move, since I recall those very same beasts having 'interfered' with the water-tanks up here this Summer at least three times, subsequently cutting off the natural spring water supply to The Funny Farm in the process.... Still - who can complain at no Water Rates, and having to drink natural Spring Water for free all year round, apart from thrice, eh?

I've rather disappointed myself on my ability to propagate Basil lately for an abundant supply, and so took to the cheat's method of buying 3 pots of from Lidl (99p each), sticking them in a marginally bigger pot, and taking very good care of them for a while. Once they're growing profusely, I keep harvesting 'from the top', and use as needed throughout the Summer. I've got two of what you can see in the photo below, so huge amounts to play with for Basil Oil, Pesto, and just plain Freezing, to add to Risottos, Tarts and spurious specials that magically get invented from the depths of My Little Grey Cells.

I know? It's a kitchen table of tomatoes.... and it's largely because the tomatoes covering the entire surface of the dining table in The Hall are beginning to ripen beautifully, and Wellie needs to pull her finger out and do something with them.

So...The tomatoes on wire racks are about to go into the oven to be 'dried' on the lowest oven setting (can't wait for The Rayburn to be back on again when we finally get the noo oil tank in situ that's sitting in the front garden still, because I wouldn't need to waste Electricity preserving this way, I'd bung 'em in the bottom of the Rayburn overnight with the door ajar)

Then the larger tomatoes in the roasting trays have been scattered with sliced garlic, shallots, olive oil, fresh Oregano in one, and freshly torn Basil in the other, waiting to be roasted for Passatta.

The cherry tomatoes on the left, remind me of a well-known Blackcurrant Cordial tv ad, as these scrummy little sweeties are proverbially jumping up and down with joy, knowing that any minute now, they'll be roasted and ultimately dive headlong into homemade vegetable bouillon, with garlic, chillies and a culinary artist's palette of spices, painting yet another Denis Cotter materpiece, that's known as Tomato rassam (from his Paradiso Seasons ISBN 0-9535353-4-7), and I must just 'big up' Chepstow Bookshop at the bottom of the cobbledy bit in the High Street, because otherwise I'd never have found this brilliant book. They even get Authors in for special evenings along the way?

A Fabulous Bookshop Indeed, and well worth a visit if you're in the locale.

We're blessed with two Open Air Markets locally.... The Cheppie Racecourse one of a Sunday, which is brilliant for meat and cheese, and The Caldicot one of a Tuesday. And it's the Tuesday one I've been impressed with just now, because I managed to pick up 5 kg of pickling onions for £2.50, a huge bag of green chillies for a quid, a bag of Scotch Bonnet chillies for a quid, and 6 Bulbs of Garlic for a quid.

It defeated the object of me driving to Caldicot in the first instance, because I was in search of some Florence Fennel bulbs, to put a Sarah Raven Pasta Sauce 'to die for' into the freezer whilst I've still got loads of fresh Sage, but there's always the likes of Over Farm Market up near Gloucester to tap into, so I'm not overly worried. And double-bubble, I could call into The Smokery at Minsterworth on my way back home for a few Tilapia or something?

Funnily enough, I brought the subject up with Trousers only the other day about building our own Smoke Box. But I must just 'hold my horses', because I've still got a veritable mountain of things to 'put to bed' yet before the really bad weather descends.

Thank you for listening again, and I hope you're having as much fun as me squirreling away your harvests.

Sorry I'm Late Kids....

2011-10-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm late Kids... Ordinarily, I like to update The Funny Farm blog weekly of a Sunday evening, but I've pressed a few buttons, whistles and knobs on my Grown-Up Camera that I shouldn't have, and, not knowing exactly how I've messed the settings up yet, my photographs look like I've smeared Vasalene on the lense and then dipped them in Pinot Grigio.

Actually, if I'd thought about it sooner, I could have shot Trousers yesterday asleep in the sunshine on my SunLounger in his Speedo's, but thankfully, Children, I don't have a gun license .....?!

Trousers got home earlier than normal the other evening and yelled down the stairs: "Fox in The Orchard". Hard of Hearing at very nearly 51 years of age, I was more than disappointed to learn that he did mean that Freddie The Fox was, once again, feeding from the windfalls on the Orchard Floor.

To be that close to the house that early in the evening, he/she must be one hell of a hungry fox, and that's been true of the last 5-7 days so far.

With only Sheep for company, Trousers and I took a short journey yester-eve up to the furthest field on The Funny Farm, as earlier in the year, whilst picking Wild Garlic, we identified Sloe Trees that don't come within a whisper of being included in the annual Hedge Cutting about this time of year, so we bagged ourselves an 800g harvest for the freezer, a tender kiss, and a leisurely glass of red wine each, enjoying the view on a beautiful and warm October evening, with both Severn Bridges in our sights on the horizon. That, my friends, is called Quality Time, and no money could ever buy that.

Alternatively, I'd pay good money, if I had any, to learn more about the things that I feel I want to know now, because the older I get, the more insatiable I appear to be these days. I'm sure that, as a child, I must have infuriated my preoccupied parents to distraction, but I find, not having children of my own, that I'm annoying myself with questions of Why? Why? Why?!
I'm sure that I would have made an Extraordinary Mother, but my Gardening Cat has been blessed with 100% of my affections instead, and she's rewarded me way beyond my expectations with her half-eaten mice, headless birds, dead 10" rats, the odd baby squirrel on the rug in front of the woodburning stove..... and, when I watch her cuddling up to Trousers on the sofa every evening, her love for him is more gorgeous than words could ever string together in a sentence, as is my own.

With the weather closing in a little here on The Welsh Borders, I've harvested the remainder of the Courgettes, Globe Artichokes, Beetroots, Runner Beans, Raspberries and Fresh Herbs for today.....
Let's face it, if I don't bring those beauties in right now, I'd be Mad.
And I've got loads of recipes in mind to put these little beauties down snug away now for later in my freezer tomorrow, but just every now and again, in your wildest dreams, wouldn't it be lovely to be able to have your hand held, and be able to ask A Chef A Question when you most wanted to?

Frankly, I'm positive that most of you don't go to sleep wondering how many fresh or dried Lemon Verbena Leaves you could infuse in Olive Oil, and for how long, to make something scrumptious.....but I've got 'a gut feeling' that Lemon Verbena would make THE most amazingly flavoured oil.
Trousers and I once bought a very delicious Carluccio Lemon Oil in Windsor, and, adoring the taste of Lemon, I'd love to create my own 'take' on this for The Pantry.

Ever the optimist, I'm going to retire to bed now, knowing that my favourite chefs, short of turning up on my doorstep to tell me to Get A Life, will share my thoughts, and send me some inspiration.

Until I borrow Himself's Camera in the next few days,
Love You and Leave You,
Wellie.
X

Is There A Fruit Bat Listening?

2011-09-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

The Crab Apples have their own agenda now.... Skins splitting, exposed flesh going brown and mealy, fruits falling prematurely, and because the tree is leaning so far to the right, with immediate danger of collapsing, my own guess is that the tree has made an Executive Decision to survive, and shedding fruit like a Mad Thing, rather than break its' own back - and I don't blame it.

Ever the helpful little soul that I am, I've been harvesting as many as I possibly can in my spare time..... juicing them in my Magimix (other food processors are available kids), and chilling the juice until needed. This potentially cuts down on the simmering of the acidic little beauties and lessens the making of an almighty mess round the kitchen with pulp and jelly-bags dripping all over The Funny Farm, because that tedious process bores The Pants off me with a capital B, and if there was an incling of further mess in the kitchen, or anywhere in The Funny Farm Children, Trousers wouldn't hesitate to leave home.

So! I've set up a multitude of dripping jelly bags ALL round the house?

I've yet to decide whether to freeze today's Raspberries, to later thaw for maximum juice, or to bottle them fresh now. Freeze is my Final Decision.....

Ever grateful of eloquently being preached to (and at) in English, French and Latin, growing up in Boarding Convent Schools less than ten miles from home, is prolly where I get this kind of Joseph & His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat Seven Years of 'Feast and Famine', and thinking an amazing harvest one year, may indicate a famine for the next seven.
But I was also A Girl Guide, and I seem to remember that I earned A Robin Badge, but can't for the life of me remember exactly why and what for now? Was it that I managed to sew the badge onto my own uniform without help?
I deserve A Medal for the decades of Curtains and Roman Blinds that I've made for my own homes since, and gladly not a Girl Guide any longer, so no need to turn up to one of Catherine Tate's Twirling Meetings, eh?

Thankfully, having followed in the footsteps of my friend Gloria, and bought a Waterbathing Wotsit to extend the shelf-life of everything that I preserve from a couple of months to The Full Twelve, if Mother Nature has a bit of a dodgy year next year, I'll have covered my @rse.

Now this next photo shows the 'Invincible' Pear Tree that I planted last year, so-called, because it allegedly sends out Double Bubble Blossom, so that you never ever miss a crop of pears if a late frost happens to bite you on the bottom at the last moment....
There are so many ruddy Pears now, that I've had to prop them, and the whole tree up, and there wasn't even a hint of a late frost - so I'm getting incredibly scared now for next years' crop.

Talking of fruiting boughs breaking and a plethora of fruit, the Autumn Bliss Raspberries are beginning to wear me down, with 2-4lb. of fruit on a daily basis, and up to an hour of my time to harvest them, most of which is spent bent-double to detect the ripe berries under the uppermost leaves.
Which led me to wonder whether it would 'distress' the canes at all if I stripped them of their uppermost leaves to reveal the fruits as they ripen, as I've done here to show you, because, other than make them more vulnerable to the birds, it would make it easier for the bees to pollinate the blossoms, and easier for me to identify the ripest fruits and pick them in their prime.

I promise you, if you've not tried it at the tender age of 50, harvesting ripe raspberries for an hour semi-upside down in a thicket when you can't see beyond your nose without a pair of magnifying glasses, you'll know exactly why I'm trying to push this particular boundary!

With another Lumbar Injection looming on Monday's horizon for my Prolotherapy treatment, it remains to be seen whether I'm going to please my Doctor, or have cocked it up again? And I mean that with huge respect, because he knows that by the very nature of what I do, I am never going to sit still.
If I do have to have another Injection, I'll hold my hands up and rest for the rest of the day, for a change.

Monday afternoon, I'll telephone the offices of Ken Muir, Fruit Guru, and put the Raspberry Question to them for an answer, unless there's A Fruit Bat listening to save me the phonecall?

Calling The 'Full Stop Fairy'?!

2011-09-22T16:47:00.000-07:00

Such Brilliant Ideas......My frozen Elderberries, stripped already of their stalks, were put with Cider Vinegar into a medium oven for four or five hours this morning, whilst I did The Washing Up, because we have a dishwasher that categorically refuses to do what it was invented for, and if it doesn't start to behave very soon, I'm going to dig a very big hole and bury it in the garden Children, because I'm big enough and ugly enough to squeeze a bottle of Fairy Liquid?

Personally, getting my head stuck into too many preserving books at once for the same produce or recipe is a very very dangerous thing here Down On The Funny Farm at any time of year.

Largely, because I start off with very good intentions; the actual author's recipe - and then I make the mistake of looking up similar recipes in other books, which ordinarily doesn't cause a problem, but when I've read every recipe in every book for the same kind of event, I go and get ideas all of my own?!
Telling Wellie to 'discard' the shallots once she's cooked them for a while in The Pontack Sauce is, shall we say, 'less than wise'?.....She's grown these babies from seed, nurtured them and grown them to perfection....Why would I want to chuck my Banana Shallots in the bin when they're now so full of flavour? And if I could use them in another dish resembling the same preserve, shouldn't I? So I said 'sod the washing up' and just got 'tinkering'....!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm positive that I could include those aromatic homegrowns into an Onion Marmalade, a Red Wine and Onion Soup, and I'm sure a gorgeous Paul Rankin Pork Sausage in a Casserole wouldn't turn its' nose up at it, eh?!

Unfortunately, The Full Stop Fairy hadn't finished with me yet, because falling headlong into my chest freezer once again to reach to the bottom, (and nothing whatsoever to do with the Creme de Cassis or Framboise from last year that I tasted and decanted before noon today!) I retrieve The Fruits Of My Labour, finding carrier-bags-full of Redcurrants, Whitecurrants, small acidic green Goosegogs, Worcesterberries, Chockerberries, Sloes, Rosehops, Mirabelles, Gages, Plums, Physalis, Damsons and a veritable mountain of Raspberries and Blueberries- all of which are coming OUT of the freezer this weekend, into Lidl OJ bottles in the form of fruits preserved in freshly pressed Apple Juice from The Orchard, and 'water-bath preserved' for the next 12 month, for my utmost selfishness and 5-A-Day on top of James Martin Brekkie Pancakes during the Winter Months with homemade Yoghurt, or I'm A Monkey's Uncle.

But whilst Toppy'n'Tailing the Goosegogs (which is much easier done Kiddy-Winkies whilst they're still frozen? ), I was daydreaming, and musing on Sloes, thinking "How can I get Double-Bubble" from my Hedgerow Freebies? I concluded that it'd be much better to stick the mountain of them into the Rumtopf, or Kilner Jar, chuck a load of sugar and Gin at them, steep for months, and given that the berries aren't edible much, to then make an intox.intox.alcoholic jelly from the spent berries at the end of the line maybe.
But my point is this:
When does this beautiful Fairy stop sending you gorgous ideas to ponder?
I will stop loving her when she stops sending me brilliant ideas.X

The Whacky Welsh Fake Off

2011-09-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

'The Whacky Welsh Fake Off' is much less exciting than 'The Great British Bake Off' for all of you, but thankfully, taking place in my own kitchen, is much more rewarding for me, less scarey, and I've only got my Gardening Cat looking over my shoulder, rather than Mary Berry or Paul Hollywood, because I can't Bake to save mine, or anyone else's life. A Spongecake and I can take each other out at twenty paces, but I like to think that I can cook? Cooking and Baking are completely Poles apart my friend.

With Trousers and I having minimal time to spend 'togevver', (he works for such long hours?) and I decided today, to dedicate my own quality time, to make him a really nice 'Poy' for his dinner, because he'd probably like that.
.

I remember from my childhood, in amongst being told that I couldn't 'Have More', because it was 'For Tomorrow', that my mother cooked a Corned Beef & Onion Pie. And I rather enjoyed it. So I set out today to try and recreate it. Personally, if my own Mother knew me now, she might be proud of me, because actually, the 'Poy' turned out to be gorgeous.

Having negotiated my kitchen garden religiously for the last few days in the tipping rain, pin-pointing urgent stuff 'To Do' - one of them was that the beautiful young and tender Brussel Sprouts were starting to be attacked by tiny keel slugs, but otherwise, perfect. So I made an Executive Decision today, and harvested what was fabulous in front of me, rather than wait. These tender young sprouts have been blanched and frozen in the utmost prime of their perfection..

I was tempted to put some on to boil to be ready in time for Christmas Day, but thought that was such an old joke that I decided not to mention it today?!
And then, having picked up a Rum Pot in a local charity shop for the princely sum of £6, I'm about to take Trousers by the hand to help me pick buckets of Sloes for homemade Sloe Gin. To be perfectly honest, if I could find another Rum Pot in the same vein, there'd be nothing stopping me making the same Sloe Whisky again, as the results of which were nothing short of unctious last year, she said, dribbling...

These Globe Artichokes were grown from seed this spring, and have been harvested from my own kitchen garden these last few weeks.

It was a very strange morning, as I sat myself down with the first caffeine of the day, observing a fully grown Pigeon just 'sat' in this birdbath, wondering what the hell it was 'up to'?

Not wanting to frighten it, I left it to its' own devices. Later, beautifully discovering that the adult was almost 'sat' on the juvenile in the birdbath, and they both then flew the short distance to the nearby fence.
For me, this was a magical moment, because for those of you religiously following my Funny Farm blog, earlier in the year, the Sparrow Hawk stole their first baby, so they finally managed an offspring through adversity - and this, my friends, is the replacement baby!

Ahead of my next blog, the branches of my Crab Apple Tree are audibly nodding, and visibly groaning, and just begging me to take a weight off of their shoulders. So, perhaps that I've allowed myself the beauty of 'Today Off', to relax and enjoy cooking for my man, I can resume bringing in Mother Nature's Bounty again in the next couple of days.

A warm welcome to you katyH, and hope you'll bring your friends along for the giggle.X.

Love You And Leave You All For Now.
Bless All Of You For Being Here.
Wellie.X

Anyone for a Game of Cluedo?

2011-09-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

With Trousers having abandoned me once again in search of a treasure more valuable than Moi (No, I do understand that it's possible when Metal Detecting Boys'n'Girls?), I stood in here on my lonesome this afternoon, with all the doors and windows shut against the blustery blight-ridden breezes, harvesting the last of the tomatoes off their vines, and, out of the corner of Wellie's eye, she spied a little harvest-mouse! So I shut the interior doors leading from The Conservatory to the rest of The Funny Farm rooms, opened the back door, and, quick as a flash, grabbed my trusty camera.

Just as Trousers would be looking longingly through the window of a closed Cheese Shop Children, Squeak was looking through the window of Freedom, without a 'MouseFlap', eventually sussing out how to overcome the problem, by walking the long way round, and over the threshold, back into The Kitchen Garden for my Gardening Cat to catch on a different day than today.

Said Gardening Cat was fast asleep in her greenhouse, where all my Banana Shallots, Red and White Onions are drying, and very nearly ready to plait into a string or two (the alliums - not my cat - pay attention peeps?!)

Grateful for any harvest that I can turn into something fabulous, this is only a small proportion of the green tomatoes now being ripened in the safety of Indoors. I've also got Conference Pears, Peppers and Chillies under strict supervision.

It's no wonder that my brain aches sometimes, constantly being bombarded with brilliant ideas of how to solve a particular problem... and thankfully, in the picture below, I had this little gem of a brainwave for storing our magnificent Potato harvests:
The front door, naturally enough...leads into The Hall, which is: The Dining Room, grandly earning itself the posh title of The Dining Hall, one of the coolest rooms in the house, and a through-breeze is obtainable on a regular basis at the touch of a doorhandle to keep the tubers aired, but in the dark.
Clever Wellie, and no mistake...

It just means that we can't invite friends round for dinner unless we dine them in The Kitchen, or we move the spuds to The Spare Room, which isn't remotely as convenient for me, but gets us out of having Guests stay over, because the spuds would have to join the ranks of the christmas decorations, which have been at the end of the beds since The New Year!

Yesterday, having harvested another 2 lb. of Autumn Bliss Raspberries, not having quite got over the 4 lb. harvest of the previous day.... I got both of my preserving pans out of the cupboard and had a marathon jam and chutney-making session - still leaving me more of my friend Medina's lovely Damsons yet to play with in the next few days from the fridge!

As sure as God made little green apples, I lost my label-writing pen last week, so Trousers treated me to a new one. Having wrongly accused Himself and The Cat, I found it today, and have to admit that it was indeed:
Wellie
In The Conservatory
With The Calligraphy Pen
X
Bless You For Watching, And Thank You For Listening Again.

Hug In A Mug Time?

2011-09-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

Where exactly is the person with the white Straight-Jacket with the wrap-around arms when you need them then?...... Because I was only bleeting to Trousers the other evening that I'd meant to pick a few Elderberries, with an idea of trying Pontack Sauce, amongst other things, and was beating myself up that I'd probably lost the berries to the birds already. But I was wrong, with a big W. Last year, the birds eat each and every berry. This year, they seem more interested in the ripe plums, windfall apples and Autumn Bliss Raspberries, 'a hop skip and a jump' above the grass path where they can reach them, therefore, ample time for Wellie to harvest, swinging from limb to limb, grabbing as many berries as she can between branches and showers. I managed to harvest this many from just the one bush in the corner beside my compost bins. It took me a while to 'de-stalk' them with the aid of a kitchen fork, but they're safely snuggled up in the freezer for me to deal with at my own leisure now, so I'm happy that I can relax. Allegedly, Pontack Sauce is best kept for 7 years before using....so I'm thinking that I might be able to squirrel a couple of bottles to the back of my pile of Ironing before I get discovered?!

And to be perfectly frank with you, I think my friend Medina 'Should've Gone To Specsavers', because this is the level of generosity that I spoke about in my No-Photo last blog update..... 4 kilos...and that must of taken an age for her and/or Ian to pick - a punishable offence in my book, with the sentence of a beautifully prepared, and lovingly cooked dinner at The Funny Farm......so prepare to be very, very punished you two.!

Do you miss Last Of The Summer Wine as much as I do? Country Folk , and beautiful characters, sitting so comfortably in our own Sitting Room, able to enjoy the show every week as a whole family, without embarrassment, and when I look at Trousers, his bestest mate Jim, and Pippy, these three completely 'embody' every fibre of that beautiful series. Because they are Metal Detectors.
I'm no scriptwriter, but there's a script 'waiting to happen' right here if anyone wants to come and get it my friends.....

The Victories for them are Roman Artefacts in a muddy field .....Coins, Keys and Brooches.
My Victories are in the heart, soul and mind of a middle-aged woman watching Mr. Darcy and his Breeches. Because British Dramas, every Autumn, have always lured and hugged me into a comfy chair, where normally, nothing else would.... and only when the leaves start to fall from the trees, with a whole new series of Downton Abbey now magically waiting in the wings, can I contemplate being in front of the woodburning stove once again.

With everything else going on, and not needing ripe Tomatoes for a while, I'd forgotten to just 'check on them', and yesterday, having done so, it was sad to see the definity of Blight. But with only the beginnings of it, and so much harvestable fruit, I spent the next hour or so making sure that the fruits that I harvested were perfect.

Anything less than perfect, didn't make the grade for the kitchen.

Sad, but true, because you can never make a silk purse out of a piggie's ear.

I'm really enjoying your company, so thank you for being here.X.

Never A Dull Moment...........

2011-09-06T16:04:00.000-07:00

I wasn't happy yesterday evening, because I'd seen a few harvestable Elderberries, and hadn't taken advantage of them, and not being entirely sure of our Bermuda Triangular Weather here betwixt the Wye, Severn and Monnow Rivers, you'd be better off licking your pinky and sticking it in the air rather than religiously following a forecast. Don't get me wrong though... I don't lose sleep over missing an opportunity to preserve, and it certainly doesn't rule my life. My point here, is that last Autumn, the birds stripped every single berry, and I like to keep an even keel on the 'one for you, one for me' rule?. It being: One Entirely For Wellie this Autumn I think you'll find. So today, I harvested, harvested, and harvested - and once I'd taken a kitchen fork to them to separate the berries from the stalky-bits, I'm dead proud of my proper 2 kilos of inky berries in the freezer tonight. I like to chuck stuff in the freezer for a short while when I'm up to my proverbial armpits in ripe fruit, because whilst you have every good intention of dealing with it 'toute suite', with everything ripening within an annosecond of each other right now, there's a huge window for ripe produce to spoil whilst you're even just contemplating blinking. (Which, she said swaying, sat here on her kitchen chair, is prolly why preserving fruit in Olcohol actually came into being once upon a time?)
I myself, have got a very fine glass of Damson Wotsit beside me right now on the opposite side of the Laptop to my Gardening Cat, and I call it 'Damson Wotsit' because I had two brews on the go at once - one being Damson Gin, the other being Damson Voddy, and when I'd largely had one glass too much of either, I mixed the two together in a big Kilner Jar, but the resulting tincture is nothing short of Excellence my friend.

My Friend Medina left me about 4 tonnes of Damsons on my doorstep this morning, and I still can't wipe the smile off my face. I am still laughing my sox off looking at them, and shaking my head from side to side incredulously that anyone could be quite so generous. And she refuses anything in return. What an absolute Angel you are sweetheart, thank you so much, and it's a kindness that will not go unrewarded.

Running out of Freezer Space, as you do, I turned my freshly harvested Leeks, Carrots, Golden Beetroots, Parsley, Garlic, you name it, into a kind of Vegetable Bouillon Paste Mix today, and that's now bottled and stored in my walk-in Pantry. But actually, stop and ponder for a moment in time, because, as every Artist, every musician composes, their brushes and strokes and notes so brilliantly different, so can you too achieve that when you create your own Vegetable Bouillon Paste. Vary the flavours by changing the veg, by changing the herbs.....Lovage instead of Fennel....Lemon Thyme instead of Thyme, Sweet Marjoram instead of Oregano. Light your own candle, and have fun.
I am, with knobs on.X.

Wobbly Week for Some Reason.....

2011-09-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

To be perfectly honest with you, my newly re-started Lumbar Injections for the dodgy Sacro-Illiacs again, I don't think, have been the problem, but for some reason, I've not been one hundred percent Top Banana this week on the 'fitting the right shape into the correspondingly correct Jigsaw space'....putting the coffee jar into the fridge, and the hot iron up to my right ear when the telephone rings.... (just joking about the last one, obviously?!).. but I'm sure that you're following my drift!.....I'm not entirely sure why, but I started off my Tuesday, visiting my friend Emma, thinking that I might help her out in the garden for an hour or two. To be perfectly honest with you, I didn't find it particularly amusing, when I got there, to find that I'd taken gardening shoes that were, right enough a pair, but for the same foot?....and I had an identical pair of those at home...... Unfortunately, when you start a week like that, it tends to somehow 'gain momentum', and before you know it............

You've gone and smashed a window..........The first one in your life.
I'd got a bit of a Bee problem in the sitting room. The most sensible thing to do, I thought, was to open the window, but again, not having woken up properly for the second morning in succession, I discovered that the window had been 'painted shut' Children, and as I rather stupidly leaned against the statue to try and free it, the statue did tip over and end up in the front garden...

Remind me to take a photograph of the top of Trousers's Head Children when I get a spare moment to show you how he's losing his hair? Otherwise, he can apologise RIGHT NOW, and treat me to some Girlie HighLights in time for my 51st Birthday in about 6 weeks time, and no more will be said about the matter..........

However.... Serious stuff happening here, with the last of the maincrop Pink Fir Apple Tatties, definitely having suffered with Blight, unfortunately rotting down to the top tuber or two, but we lovingly harvested what was 'saveable' togevver today to eat fresh, sorted those to store, and buried a hatchet or two, for Wellie to dig up and use later to her own advantage when Trousers isn't looking......

......... With Trousers telling me that I should just get on and plant the Garlics and Jappy Overwintering Onions, or 'I wouldn't feel like I'd achieved anything today'?, I bit my tongue children, as he sloped off to watch Sport on the television, and I continued to cook his dinner once again.

I'm incredibly mindful of what I want to cook, and with a year ahead in mind from now, I've planted 56 Pink Garlic Cloves, 56 White Garlic Cloves, and so far today 65 Japanese Overwintering Onions.

Normally, I wouldn't dream of subjecting my Capsicum plants to being outside, but I've had a really bad attack of Greenfly, and I decided that I wanted my garden birds to feast on them, and then bring them back indoors, once the worst was over? Largely, anything in my world gets two chances, and then I bite them off at the ankles. Man or Beast.... No Prisoners.......

It's been an amazingly 'Wow' time for me in the last couple of weeks, because I've been visiting local shows, and making such very special friends; Keith Avery, sent me an amazing envelope from Llandogo, and honestly, I can't begin to thank him enough...My thanks also go out to the Lovely Lesley, because without this gorgeous lady, I would never have ventured over to Llandogo in the first place

Gaynor and her gorgeous hubby did me dead proud this week, welcoming me into their Hearts, and their Orchard, to scrump from their floor to my content...... thank you so much you two.XX.

And with a 'swopsy' of some of my rather more 'mature' Wallflower Seedlings, with my lovely friend Medina's ' Less Mature Seedlings, between the two of us, I think we can have the Bumblie Bees visiting our crops in 2012 quite nicely on a two-tone level.......

For now, I'm 'Out of Here', so I'll see you next time Gorgeous.X

DO YOU?

2011-08-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

I only took one quick photo of these Damsons, because I was that desperate to get them washed and into a couple of cauldrons before they started to deteriorate any further, so I apologise for the out-of-focusness of the photo. I visited The Ayleburton Village Produce Show on Saturday with Trousers, so as to support my Glorious Friend Gloria, beautifully bumping into my friend Emma, with her lovely husband en route, and whilst there, I had a lovely chat with Gaynor, who, herself also joined the 'Organising Your Village Show For the Very First Time' Club. And to cut a very long story much much shorter, I only have approximately six Damsons on my baby tree, which let's face it, isn't remotely capable of being turned into anything other than a jam sandwich for your favourite garden gnome at the bottom of your veggie plot....... and she offered me as many as I wanted, (Damsons, not garden gnomes?)albeit the crop having gone 'past their best' so to speak, so I spent the best part of lunchtime today on my hands and knees on her Orchard Floor, harvesting The Good Ones.... I've told you - Damsons!). In the same fuzzy photo, I've got my third crop of top quality Lemon Verbena leaves drying, to store in airtight jars for winter use in Cakes & Tarts, Teas & Tinctures, and the fresh ones still on the two plants growing in pots, I've got designs on steeping in Olive Oil for a zingy punch to add a certain Je ne sais quoi, whatever that means? she said with tongue in cheek, whenever I'm desperate for a Lemony smack round the mouth in the darker months of my English Kitchen. Did I tell you that I adore the taste of Lemon? Also in the same bleary photo, you'll notice that I've got Calendula (Pot Marigold) petals on a tray, and I had huge success with drying them last year, to bring the colour of Saffron to my cooking, when you don't necessarily need the actual flavour of it, in dishes to delight.

Getting incredibly wise to the fact that I spend a fortune on feeding my garden birds for most of the twelve months in every twelve, and finding that waving a white flag to 'come in peace' to harvest the fruit that I've tended, and is ripe for me to pick, it's a little like being in an English episode of the cartoon 'Whacky Races', and that Mutley Dog sniggering at every juncture. This year, Wellie's gone that extra mile to secure herself a useable crop of the Conference Pears, and they're in the safety of The Funny Farm now to ripen to her hearts' content, so Wellie, herself, this year is Doing A Mutley .!

Yet again this year, there's no proverbial white flag needed when it comes to the Crab Apples, because it's a stunningly Beautiful crop, which, lasting well into the Winter, provides Wellie, and her birds with a Bountifully useable crop.....

I'm not quite sure exactly which naughty little schoolboy named Jerusalem Artichokes: "Fartichokes", but I do know that my favourite Irish Chef, Denis Cotter calls them 'Sunchokes', which makes much more pleasant sense to me, given that they resemble Sunflowers above the ground. Leaving the personal problem of the Duvet-Lifting Competition to you and yours' giggling in the privacy of your own home, and for your own amusement to when they're harvestable in late Winter, and Beyond!, as Buzz Lightyear might say..... However...... Only having just started to grow GLOBE Artichokes from seed this year, and having removed 'The King' from the centre earlier, to put it's energies back into next years' growth rather than this, I just couldn't help myself on one or two of the plants, and decided to let a few of the Baby Chokes grow large enough to preserve in oil, once I've chargrilled, or otherwise. Shame not to?!

Would somebody PLEASE put one of those white jackets with the wrap-around arm thingies onto me, and take me away in a Welsh Ambwlance?!..... No, I beautifully live on the Welsh Border, absolutely love it, I'm not Welsh, and I'm not insane Children, I'm just addicted to preserving what I've lovingly grown so that nothing goes to waste in the leaner months, or 'the hungry gap', as us horticultural peeps have fashioned with words to disguise that we're facing the prospect of buying another thousand litres of oil 'at that price', and if anyone reading our blog has just won the lottery, or IS The Sultan of Br...Br..Gorgeous Wealth.....
You DO have to make yourself smile though........

Think of making a homemade Pizza dough from the depths of your cupboard when you're in need of a culinary hug?........ and then waiting for it to prove....... and it isn't up to anyone but yourselves to adorn your own 'in your own very special way'...... Now WHAT is more exciting than that? .....To open up your Larder Cupboard, or walk into your own Pantry to rediscover what you've preserved from your own plot when everything was plentiful: Chilli-Oil, Oven-blushed Tomatoes, Basil Pesto, Roasted Passatta, Sweet Peppers, Sweet'n'Sour Borlotti Beans, Chargrilled Globe Artichokes in Olive Oil, Herbs from the freezer.....Wild Garlic Pesto, ... the list is endless, and I've even stretched to making my own Nasturtium Seed Capers of Garlic Chive, French Tarragon & Dill flavours this year,(so far) to cover a multitude of sins, just because I can?
Which brings me round to the subject of Sorrel. Do yourselves a favour by putting a packet of seeds for this lovely lemony-leaved herb on your Christmas List. 'Trust Me', I'm A Gardener? not being able to buy the leaves in any useable quantity from anyone, it makes sense to grow it for your own use in salads, sauces, soups and savoury tarts. (10oz. of in fridge for savoury tart tomorrow, so don't let me forget, eh?!)
But I'm not going to even remotely 'go there' with Savoury Tarts in this particular blog update, because I could talk about it for hours, with its' endless possibilities for a beautiful homemade dinner, and I refer religiously to the very brilliant Tamasyn-Day-Lewis's Art Of The Tart book in my kitchen when I'm in need of inspiration for any kind of comfort for my dear heart and I.

Whilst we all strive to eat freshly and seasonally from our own plots, or the generosity of other peoples', and love to cook from both, storecupboard ingredients to preserve for our own benefit should definitely make a recognised 'comeback', because, quite honestly, to make the simplest of any of these preserves from what you already grow, is not Rocket Science my friends. And I'd like to proudly Stick My Hand Up, and say "I DO"!

I notice that the Great Tits are greedily harvesting all of my Sunflower Seeds as they ripen already so soon, which I'm a bit miffed about, because I was going to squirrel those away for them for when Mother Nature, and Himself Upstairs have an almighty pillow-fight and I can't get to the shops to buy birdnuts? !

The birds of our gardens always seem to 'tell us' whether we're in for a mild or a harsh winter, me thinks, according to what they harvest, and when. And I do try and take notice of them, honest I do. But I'm thinking that it's only the end of August right now.... the hedgerow berries are way ahead of schedule, my freezers are already full, and with the berries ripening ahead of time, they'll be needing 'a sleep-over' at some point in Wellie's freezer to break down their cells for use before any real Jack Frost arrives to do that for me naturally if I'm going to make them into anything gorgeous in a jam jar.

The nights are definitely drawing in. BC, my such-loved and beautiful black panther of a pussy cat, is curled up between the draining board and the magimix as I sit here typing.
She'll stay there now, but I have to go.
I hope that you've enjoyed it once again.
X

Waste Not Want Not

2011-08-24T16:52:00.000-07:00

With the Colder Months creeping up on us so soon, and the likelihood that we'll be wanting to save some Pennies here, and hugely more Pounds there, to heat ourselves, and eat healthily, now is the time for me to make music from every corner of our productive Kitchen Garden, because what you DO with that produce now, preserving it, and storing it away for use over the next six months or so, is absolutely BEAUTIFUL.
I've got a Tamasyn Day-Lewis tomato sauce on the go on the right, and on the left, are all the beautifully-flavoured skins and peelings, leaves and celery strings that you'd normally chuck onto your Compost Heap. Having quite enough on my compost heap right now, thank you very much, I don't need to waste beautiful flavours there. I prefer those flavours at this time of year, to be hugging each other in my kitchen, with not a jot of a recipe in sight, for my own Vegetable Stock, for the base of one or two of my own soups or sauces, that I can then freeze. It isn't clever to chuck stuff out if you can make good use of it in your kitchen first Children?

I can take or leave a lot of these so-called Telly Chefs, but, Tamasyn Day-Lewis blew my frock up with her Book: 'The Art of The Tart' (ISBN 1-84188-132-5) published way back in 2000 or so, because she took a twist on Simon Hopkinson's version of a Tomato Tart, and made it her own, with A Saffron Custard and it works superbly well if you happen to grow kilo upon kilo of your own tomatoes, onions, garlic and celery.... which I generally do, and did this year successfully with Celery, but bonkersly not at all that successfully with Garlic, and I still can't identify where I went so hugely wrong?..... I'm no expert, but when you find certain recipes that you adore, and you can use them in 'a multitude of sins', make Shed-Loads, and preserve it to the best of your ability, I can't think of a single reason why I wouldn't just go 'all out' to preserve my produce in this direction, for a later direction to tickle our tummies. And my particular point here is that, with every kilo of homegrown tomatoes, I couldn't possibly 'go wrong' by making this sauce.

And, of course, having successfully last year dried the Calendular/Marigold Petals, for a Saffron Substitute, Wellie is totally now up for a Nasturtium Seed substitute for A Caper Preserve.

Absolutely Seamless. And I Take My Hat Off To Them With Knobs On.X

2011-08-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

And this is the kind of real reason in my heart of hearts that I felt compelled to take over organising our OWN local village show to keep this part of village life alive for maybe one more year.? When you get invited to come visit someone else's Show, and you get to learn New Tricks, at even the shortest of notice (last Friday evening)...this is just what you want to find........... something to aspire to.

I learned an incredible amount from each and every one of those Judges, learning what they look for in a Photograph, an 8 year olds' Seedtray Garden, a Weird Shaped Vegetable, and why it isn't dead good to put a cake with icing on the schedule!

No word of a lie, I walked into their Village Hall, and my jaw dropped to the floor. I'm going to sound 'bitter and twisted' here now, obviously, but their Village Hall is magnificently spacious, and does justice to the sheer amount of entries that they have staged, and our modest hall couldn't support that number of entries, surely? (See Wellie look at her newly bulging files, and deduce that we were only about a hundred Entries less?! High Five Babe!) And have I not always said to you Children, it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it.....

Which definitely brings me onto how hard my predecessors have worked over the last twenty years to make The Itton Village Show what it is today. Particularly, in terms of our Photographic Section of The Show, with its popularity growing year on year to the extent of needing a whole kind of 'Cool Wall' of The Hall to accommodate them all, and I said to these lovely people today: Just watch this category grow..... it's a subject very close to peoples' hearts these days. On a purely personal level, after he'd finished judging here with Leslie, I was delighted to find that their Photo Judge and I shared so many constructive comments on what makes A Good Photograph.

Medina, Marvellous Marmalade Queen, and myself, will be touching base this week here at The Funny Farm, and I can't wait to show her the photos I took, and get her thoughts on where that might lead us in our endeavours for next years' Show.
I'm thinking, just hearing the excitement in her voice on the phone this evening, that we're going to be like two kiddies in a Sweet Shop?!

Anyway.... Life..... not always being The Box of Chocolates that you want it to be, Wellie had to take BC cat to the vet, with her having had fisty-cuffs with one of the local farm cats of an afternoon t'other week. (The Cat - Not The Vet? Pay Attention Children.......) And not being a parent myself, I've always favoured not letting your baby girl out till they were at least 35?, but with a cat, I think you'll find that she's only about 10, and sometimes you have to cut a bit of slack now and then, and let them kick their 'Kitten Heels' off?
Now that I look back on the event, I think the biggest mistake I made was actually waking her up out of a deep sleep in The Shrubbery, and shoving her unceremoniously into a plastic Cat Basket. Because not only did she have that very serious medical condition of 'A Hurty Paw', but it doubled up into 'How Very DARE You!', and she just 'kicked off' once we got into the Vetinaryaryary Surgery, actually 'ROLLING' her cat basket on the reception floor in anger. (see normal people don riot gear, and 'Mummy Blob' just raise her eyebrows?)
Naturally, given that it was a £50 vet bill for the two injections, being intolerant of accepting tablets from anything that resembles a human hand, there's been no Sweets, nor Pocket Money since her Tantrums and Tiaras began, and it's just a boring old salty foot-bath for the hurty paw, but still acres and acres of love and cuddles, then another boring old salty foot-bath, cuddle, bath, cuddle, bath, bath, bath, bath until she pays Trousers back the money?

Do you remember now when Wellie told you she used to walk across The Severn Bridge and back again Kids?
Well Wellie's just about to have to do the very same sodding thing again now due to her own stupidy.
Having suffered pain for a year or so, and my doctor, qualified osteopath, completely and utterly put me back on the road for good with Prolotherapy Treatment, Lumbar Injections, because of dodgy sacro-illiacs, and then I horticulturally 'cocked it up' the other week with a four and a half hour digging session.
To say that I feel like A Complete Tit, would be an understatement.
I expected the cold shoulder from my doctor, and for him to deny me a second chance of Therapy.
Instead, we talked about the variety of maincrop potatoes that we were growing whilst he did the Lumbar injections.

And that kind of 'takes your mind off' when you've got an important 'OUCH' happening....

In terms of 'Ouch', him and I now know every single variety of 1st Early, 2nd Early, Early Maincrop, and Late Maincrop Variety that the both of us are growing this year. AND whether we've harvested and stored them, or if we've just cut the haulms off and buried them in the ground for now.., which isn't normally the kind of conversastion that you HAVE with your Doctor.
If I could botttle that thought, I'd make a killing, and no mistake.

2011-08-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

I totally cheated this year with growing Celery, because I'd never grown it before, and I saw a thingy of seedlings growing in our local Homebase, and, taking 'a punt on it', I got tempted into trying to grow it for the first time. A challenge, and I cannot begin to tell you how 'chuffed' I am at the results. Don't be fooled though.....you need to keep this crop WELL watered. But given that our water comes straight out of a spring in the ground, and I'd planted it in the vicinity of my Celeriac, I was doubly up for it. I now have 10 or 12 top banana Heads to cook and preserve with, particularly because I protected them by growing the seedlings through big empty fizzy water bottle casings, so that soil didn't get into their hearts. And, whilst I'd mused on whether they were 'self-blanching' or not, I needn't have worried, because they've indeedy done themselves proud.

Because when you've just got fruit falling from the trees onto the floor, it makes your heart ache to not pick them up... I am very out there at least twice a day on The Orchard Floor, and what I can't process or freeze, is a crying shame to me, and no mistake..... In this bowl, are endless supplies of small Greengages, that I've found a Sarah Raven Greengage Sorbet Recipe for today.

I did also today phone Monmouthshire Council about that Food Hygiene Course that I'm desperately wanting to do, and they've sent me a list of courses available starting up in the next kind of Now, so I'm really excited about taking part.

Being an intelligent being, my icecream-scoop means more to me than scooping icecream? I use it every time I preserve fruit and vegetables into my jars, because you can scoop up what you need to 'dollop' into the preserving jars, but at the press of it's lever, it also 'cuts off', and 'finalises' what you want into that jar/tub, or whatever it deploys , and if you have one, you need to experiment..... it's an amazingly underestimated piece of culinary equipment Children......

Shall I go for a Culinary Hug?

2011-08-15T17:38:00.000-07:00

Now ya see me.......

Now ya don't... And it isn't my beautiful little chocolate-brown Black Panther of A Gardening Cat that I'm referring to neither. It's what us Horticultural Peeps call potato haulms/top growth. Largely, as I was saying to my friend 'The Marmalade Queen' this afternoon on the phone, I cut the haulms off because there were clear signs of Blighty on the foliage, and not wanting the disease to transfer down underground to the tubers themselves, I'm more in favour of this course of drastic action than digging the Maincrops up yet (unlike Terry Walton of BBC Radio 2 Allotment fame, who did that the other week on the radio). The reason that Wellie can't follow in his brilliantly muddy footsteps, is that, whilst the Mayan Gold HAVE set their skins, so would be perfectly 'diggable' to store for the coming winter, my Pink Fir Apple maincrops are still, like two Bunnies in Love with a big warren to fill, producing babies. And having had a ruddy good 'furtle', those I harvested have not yet set their skins properly, so will not be viable to store. (Considering Anya 2nd Early, so close to Pink Fir to take it's place for an earlier harvest?)
To cut a long story short, I've piled on the mowings from The Orchard to completely cover my underground crops, and I'll have another furtle in a while to determine when is a more appropriate moment.

Excuse my cat, she's just A Very Big Show-Off children? Unlike her mother, she's just Me,Me,Me,Me,Me! Me Miss! Please Pick Me Miss! Yeah, right!

Actually, I like the way the sun and shadows make my cat the star of her grassy stage here. I must show her this when she bounces onto the kitchen table in an hour or two to cozy-on-down with Mummy Blob as I type (why does it take me ages to write these blog updates, 50 years young, can't get on with technology, perfectionist, and a grumpy old woman: IT JUST DOES, Okay?!)
And please don't suggest that I 'get out more', because I'd like to 'stay in more'? I absolutely adore what I do in my spare time, I adore growing, cooking and preserving, and being in such a gorgeous, gorgeous space on this Funny Farm too?..... (See Wellie seriously looking into making her own cheese from the unpastied cows' milk from the farm when she's done a tad more reading? Only for Trousers and Myself, obviously......)

Go on, throw something else at me to cook or preserve with! I asked the very adorable Trousers this evening to look up where and when I can, this Autumn, go on a course to finally get Statificates for a culinary Health'n'Hygiene Course (might have to lose the cat on the kitchen table though, which would be a dreadful shame, eh?!) because I'm sure that my meagre talents are wasted on just the two of our Tummies, and I'd love to put the knowledge, and the one hundred and forty one cookbooks I have to a more financially rewarding purse? I LOVE it.....

If you're an avid follower of Wellie's Funny Farm Blog Kids, you'll know that I expect a knock at the door from the Welsh Heddlu jolly shortly, because inadvert,inadvert, I didn't realise that I was growing Poppies that you need a license to grow? and never a truer word was spoken, when I read somewhere Donkey's Years Ago, that a Poppy Seed is perfectly viable, dormant in the soil, for well in excess of 50 years.
Even if the Heddlu were to knock at the door, I'm confident that I could swing it with a Poppy Seed Biscuit?

I chose to take the photograph below because there were Funny Farm Swallows perched along the wires, and, until Trousers uploaded the photo for me, I wasn't sure if I'd captured them, or they'd decided to fly off at the last minute, and make Wellie look like A Prize Plonker? Either way, I love taking evening photos in this N/NW space, because it's when most of us are winding down after a hard day, and Mother Nature seems to be sat back with a cup of tea and a biscuit for a short while that you can catch her 'unawares' when she isn't looking, snapping every inch of what you feel is YOUR photographic pedestal.

Okay then.... Trousers chose this photo of The Cat for me to put a feline full-stop to today's blob update, and I'd like to 'paint-ball' the myth that blokes aren't at all soppy and gooey?
Trousers absolutely adores this cat, and this cat absolutely adores Trousers. When he gets home after a hard day, she is right there with him. The two of us call that: "Daddy's Cat". When she's with me, it's "Mummy's Cat".
To be perfectly honest Boys'n'Girls, it can change within the blink of an eyelid at any given moment?!

But as long as my little girl is a happy girl, I care not. When a cat isn't even 'yours' and she choses to come live with you, that's the only thing that's important. Not having been blessed with children myself, she is every single thing that I could ever have wished for instead, and no word of a lie. Trousers, showing childish tendencies on numerous occasions, will have to cuddle up second, even though he is the most importance of my entire life.

Whilst I'm here, I must just say 'Hi' to Medina's friends that she's put a nod to in the direction of our blog for them to view the madness that goes on in this space, because I love it when the grown-up silliness of my blog is enjoyed by just one, and then beautifully passed onto another like-minded soul for yet another to giggle at.
Talking of which, I never ever thought that I would stand before you, and 'fess up' to fame that I'd mentioned my very favourite Irish Chef, Denis Cotter more than ten times on my Funny Farm blog since I started 'wittering on' for these last couple of years?, but Trousers was SO 'blown away' that Denis's girlfriend, Maureen, left a comment for me on my 'Light, Shade, Shape, Form, Fun ' blog update a week or two back, that he's suggested to me that Denis might want to take a restraining order out against me? Naturally, I'd be 'thrilled'......Equally importantly, I am so looking forward to cooking some of his beautiful recipes for these special friends of ours'. and squirreling away our own Funny Farm Summer Harvests, so that I can cook more of his recipes in the depths of our very British Winter.

I have honestly said that Trousers and I aren't Vegetarian on a number of occasions, because I mean it?
Just be true to the food that you adore, and deal with food on your own level. I absolutely ADORE cooking with vegetables, and that's why I grow our own, and adore Denis Cotter in the same sentence.. I'm not going to be 'banging on' about Denis in every single blog-update (okay then....every 'other' one?!) or he really will think that I'm worthy of a 'get this girl locked up!

Medina is vegetarian, whilst Ian isn't. That, to me spells a Dinner Party Challenge, and I know just how to please both of these people all of the time, or shoot me.

I'm Wellie.....
Pleased To Meet You.
X

Allo, Allo, Calling Blightie Old Chap?

2011-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

All of you living 'abroad', whether it being in the next County, the next State, or the next Country from me here right now will never understand the Blight Space that I am in right now..... it's a risk never worth taking, unless you disregard the importance of storing a Potato crop that you might want to use in the winter. Eh? Which is just exactly why I've harvested everry tomato too? To be perfectly honest.
One of the reasons that I adore where Trousers and I have chosen to live, is that there's a life very Welsh, with such an English hint, and isn't ruled by a certain cheese, or a hoody. It's a beautiful Village feel, if you stand your own ground, taking your own life in your hands, but, with quirkiness that I simply adore to be amongst, and having just 'put to bed' my first Village Produce Show, I've witnessed the beauty of villagers already half way through their next Embroidery for the 2012's Village Show already so soon. You see where I'm coming from Children?!

I did spend time this week pricking these seedlings out to 2" apart, as the seed packet suggests, but I'm sure you've got better things to do than listen to me talking about that, because if you didn't grow it from seed yourself, in a month or two, you'll be paying a fortune for these from your local Garden Centre.
And there I rest my case......

Trousers uncovered my mate 'Tippy' here today/toady underneath the discarded Potato Haulms on the grassy paths, and Trousers, I have to fess up to you, does not do Moving An Amphibian, Clearing Up Cat Sick, or Giving His Girlfriend a Kiss.

So, 'Tippy' and me got t'gripps with a bunch of lawn-mowings, and an empty flowerpot. We had 'words', and by the time I came back to scoop him up, before Trousers did with the Briggs'n'Stratton, Tippy Twinkle Toads was beautifully tucked up, where I wanted him, with a couple of wayward slugs.

When I 'bag' a goodly amount of fruit from The Orchard Floor, it's because I've actually really worked for it. At least twice a day I walk my Gardening Cat into The Orchard. Her and me spend quality time sourcing these lovelies..... ? Don't be fooled into thinking that these fruits just 'arrive on my doorstep'

Trousers mowed the whole of the kitchen garden today by Himself. Woopy-Doo Children, and when he'd finished, Wellie mowed The Orchard,raked it to be certain of newly-dropped Orchard Floor, and then she promised Him Raspberries for Tea?

And why wouldn't I? XX

Grown, and Sewn With Love

2011-08-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

More's the pity......but this isn't a Funny Farm 'Lamb Chops', because Trousers won this particular Leg in The Village Produce Show Raffle back in early July (although I think you'll find, Trousers my darling, that your friend Pipster still thinks you 'half-inched' His Raffle Ticket?!) It was kindly donated as a Raffle Prize by Mr. Roger Raffle Him Very Self, who actually reared it. Trousers cooked it to perfection today, studded with Rosemary and Garlic, picked a small and tender Cabbage from the kitchen garden, whilst I pulled some Carrots, and tipped out the remainder of the tub-grown Lady Cristls, Maris Bards and Red Duke of Yorks. Being of sound mind, I know that we didn't roast 'the red ones', so whichever of the other white Tatties that he parboiled and roasted, I'm here to tell you that they roasted up a treat; fluffy soft on the inside, and grown-up crispy on the outside, a bit like myself..... with homemade Goosegog & Mint Jelly, which was surprisingly, but thankfully very very moorish indeed.

Trousers was in full culinary flow, searching out a Strawberry and Rhubarb recipe to tickle his own fancy..... within the blink of an eye, plumping for an Abel & Cole recipe of 'Strawberry & Rhubarb Bread'n'Butter Pudding', which is winking at me from the corner of the kitchen table as I write (Himself is watching A Ball Game on the television). Given that I have a very small tummy, and it's way too full already, the pudding is holding up a banner saying 'Wellie's Breakfast'. Ooh! I can't wait to wake up tomorrow! (Actually, Children, thinking about it now, perhaps it wasn't such a bright idea to slosh my homemade Strawberry Rum over the top of it as it came out of the oven?) Ah, what the heck.... Not a Bob Geldoff nor a Boomtown Rat in sight in Wellie's Kitchen of a Monday, so provided I don't get up too early, I could make it Brunch, no?!
Having cleared the grass-clipping mulches from the first'n'second early tatties, I've begun to earth up my first attempt at Sweet Potatoes underneath the Strawberry TableTop Planter. I'm thinking, that with the Strawberry 'Runners' now almost reaching ground level, that they'll begin to root nicely now into the warmth of that extra comfort blanket.
I'm still perplexed as to how Cabbage Root Fly has managed to nobble some, and not others of my Cauliflower seedlings, when all of them have got Collars on - Bonkers my friend, or wot?

The Cabbage White Caterpillies are having a feast too, so I'm starting to reduce the nuts in the birdfeeders now in order to direct their attentions to 'the free stuff'. And whilst harvesting The Tub Tatties today, the ants were sprouting wings in front of my very eyes in the depths of the compost.

Now don't make your own story up Kids, but Trousers does like a nice Pear, none better than poached in Red Wine, so, given that the Pears are completely 'top heavy' here in their first cropping year, this will be one smiley man latterly. I've got designs on 'bottling' them (or 'canning' as you American and Canadian peeps say) in a Christmas 'Mulled' kind of way, because of course no Pear likes to wait around for any man: when it's ready, it's just ready, use it, or lose it, okay?

I know - there's a Globe Artichoke in every photo... Largely because I had an excellent germination rate, and if they've bothered to germinate for me, they've earned a place in our garden (see Wellie get her How To Prep'n'Cook a Globe notes out for next year, because surprisingly, I never yet have). I love to learn to do new things, don't you?

And this epitomises everything that I love about my Kitchen Garden, because there's so much stuff growing, to harvest, and to just plain enjoy looking at every day.

It's at times like these that I'm thankful to have spent the time 'designing' the backbone of the garden, giving thought to the shape of the beds, the labyrinth of paths that were ultimately to lead you by the hand to discover round every corner. Yet if you view it from above, as Trousers has shown previously from upstairs windows, it takes on a whole new beauty. It is every inch of the beautiful Patchwork Quilt that I set out to make, lovingly, and seasonally, sewn together with edible stitches.

Thank you very much for being with us once again, and please do read the previous blog update, which is also new this weekend for your entertainment.

Have a great week.
Your Wellie.X.

Preserving, Propagating, New Fancy Pantry, and Potential Pants

2011-08-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

Naturally, you've got to take a dry day or two, or three for harvesting your precious Allium crops, and having been far too late planting my self-saved garlic cloves in the spring, with each and every one of my babies having chosen to die and go to heaven, I'm giving my onion harvest a Huge Hug instead, and, pictorially here, I'm 'putting the cart before the horse', because I've been 'smiled on' and have harvested a shed-load more onions than space....
Underneath our garden gazebo-johnnie was my chosen place to dry them all, so, being a bit inventive with the ornamental garden sack truck, the mangle, the arbours and arches, the gates, and whatever else to hand was potentially spreading the load. But still, with the sheer weight of the alliums under the gazebo, we've had to do a 'Heath Robinson' bodge-it'n'fix'support-system, a propping up of a garden pot on top of a kitchen stool, and a scaffolding plank underneath, so that the Garden Zeebo didn't collapse around the 'bus ticket ears' of our Gorgeous Gardening Cat whilst she's sleepies under it on the table, or one of the chairs of a nighty-night-time. For those of you not knowing the term 'Bus Ticket' it means that another has taken a couple of chunks out of the edges of one's ear (normally, two fighting felines....) Although, to be perfectly honest, Trousers and I feel much the same about each other on a regular basis, sometimes adoringly, and at other times, Mrs. Bobbit comes to mind, but please don't phone The Police, because we love each other?!

I might just reassure you, that Trousers is feeling much improved from his health scare, but we are both monitoring it on a day by day basis. Every time he clutchess his 'man boob', I've died inside.... So we have an understanding now that if he does that twice, and tells me it hurts, Wellie dials for an Ambwlance.

Where I previously had Plum Tomato plants in pots (now transferred to around the gazebo) I'm thinking ahead to next year now, and I haven't had way too many Wallflowers growing in my garden since Trousers and I first moved to this part of the West Country or Wales even in such a long time, and I absolutely adore them. The air that they perfume, and the blooms that you can cut to bring into your home is just adorable. And not having a seedtray big enough for a whole packet, I decided to dedicate my 'tabletop planter' to germinate them, because thereafter, I can always germinate some fleece-covered quick cut'n'come-again salad leaves, rocket, and the like, before we're too badly into inclement British weather.
I think, children, if you look very carefully, that there are a few naughty pawprints evident, even though Herself and Myself had very serious words about the fact that this shouldn't happen?!

Right, I'm going to 'fess up' to you now, because for months on end, I've been mentally beating myself up that I am SO untidy. Honestly, no word of a lie, it's driving me completely nuts, and it's been driving Trousers crackers as well (The Cat has been very dipomatic, and not said a word, for which I'm eternally grateful....) So, having started to build these Pantry shelves myself an eternity ago, enjoying a tad of DIY myself, as I do, I hadn't finished them..
And to be perfectly honest I really really needed 'SuperTrousers' to fly in and help me out of a sticky situation with his Drill, Screws, 4b2's and batons..... When a Girlie is trying to preserve everything that moves right now in the vicinity of the Kitchen Garden, fresh as a daisy, there's no time to lose.
I hadn't realised that 'SuperTrousers' knew quite as many rude words as that Children?, but we got there in the end, and may I just say, my darling Sweetheart, I cannot thank you enough, and I really truly mean that, because you've just made my dream come true of having my very own, and very first 'Walk In Fancy Pants Pantry'...

Unfortunately for Wellie, last week, I stood before my Doctor, and he quite rightly told me that I was 50 years of age, and it was about time that I engaged my brain, adding for good measure, that "You're A Twit".... At which point I guesssed that he wasn't best pleased with me?
You never really want disapproval from your own Doctor, but I hold my hands up, because on this occasion, I did wrongly dig for 4 hours solid, didn't do two hours one day then another two hours another day, nor did I alternate which foot I dug with, and I did mow with that heavy mower on that slope .....
I only say this, because I am more than incredibly cross actually with 'myself' for putting others before me, which unfortunately, I seem to do on a regular basis.
And now of course, I find myself in the unfortunate position of having jeopardised all the good work that my Doctor did over those months putting my body right after nearly a year of constant pain. And until Him and I meet again, which is rather urgent, I have no idea whether he is able to fix me once again, or whether I've shot myself in the proverbial foot for a long time to come.
Bloody Stupid Girl Wellie...

...might make a cake or some pancakes tomorrow......eh?
X

Babs's Annual Alzheimer Hog Roast Fundy with Friendies

2011-08-01T14:35:00.000-07:00

Trousers and I love to support Babs with this event when we're able to, particularly this year, because her gorgeous husband, Derek, sadly died of his illness a few months back, and even though I knew him for the shortest time of two years, he was a particularly special 'Twinkle' to visit whenever I popped into their home, as Barbara herself always is.
Which is why I decided to put our friend Lyn as the first photograph here on this weeks' Blog update, because the sheer fun written all over her face tells a thousand stories of how much fun she, and totally the six of us had yesterday afternoon.
Trousers and myself, Pippy and Lyn, and thank you so much to Ian and Medina who agreed to join us to make it that much more special.

Trousers and Pip are 'two naughty little schoolboys' and went over early in the proceedings to the Ladies' Lucky Dip Stall, pulling out a Dip each for Lynnie and I, all wrapped up in Happy Birthday Paper (see an episode of Vicar of Dibley children?!) and naturally, us two girlies were unsuitably thrilled with our new bags, not quite knowing if they were Washbags, or Handbags......? and so decided that, if Wellie 'puts them aside for 2012 Itton Village Produce Show Raffle Prizes' and puts a date sticker on them, every time they get recycled, we could track their whereabouts for quite a number of years, or even decades to come?!

Trousers childishly sprayed Pip with the spurious perfume from Lynnie's Lucky Dip winnings, and he spent the rest of the day smelling like A Tarts' Boudoire, Crackling, Apple Sauce, the most gorgeous Lemon Posset Pudding, and Meringue. Incidentally, the meringues are the best meringues in the entire world, and you will never ever put a more moorish meringue in your mouth. So contact me for a ticket for next year, and you too could have this much fun. I dare you! (I'm watching you all from UK, Ireland, Canada, Ukraine, Russia, Germany and the like, so don't be shy in sticking your head up above the parapet, because it would be lovely to meet you, especially if one of you from Ireland turned out to be my favourite all-time vegetarian chef, Denis Cotter. Obviously! (see Wellie faint.....)

Ian, you're incredibly photogenic, but I apologise, and please humbly forgive that Trousers snapped you without your permission?....X.

At the end of the Hog Roast, any meat surplus to requirements was sold off to any willing Porker at £1 a bag, making yet more money for the Alzheimers Trust, and I suppose I can forgive Trousers 'for charity' just this once, given that he got carted off from work in an Ambliance last Thursday morning with a suspected Heart Attack, phoning me from Gloucester Royal Hospital to tell me as much, scaring the living PANTS off me in the process....(Ian, Medina and myself agreeing yesterday that the Welsh for Ambliance was Ambwlance, with a WubbleYew), then deciding: who cares, let's have another glass of wine?!) Which made a mockery of me wanting to kill Trousers myself, boys'n'girls if he continues to smoke and eat the junk he does in his van at work, but it's only because I happen to love him that I want him to take better care of himself when I'm not there to do it for him, so that he can look after me in my old age, him being my Toy Boy, eh?!

What with the bags of Hog, the Washbags, Spurious Perfume, Candles, Box Set of 12 Disco Legend DVDs, Bags of Hog Roast, and with Pip winning his second food hamper of the afternoon, Lynnie was adamant that they had no more room in the car to take it all home? And what one would do with a Globe Artichoke at this lateness in the afternoon was anyone's guess.....? At which point, I gave her the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc that Trousers had won in the raffle for me, because she admitted that she'd drink it, and I can't stand the stuff, and I acquired that box set for next years' Produce Show Raffle. Sorted!

Okay.... now I want to introduce you to my friend Medina, and to straight away, and categorically assure you that she isn't feeding her chooks with red wine-laced corn?! Trousers and I had given Ian and Medina a ride home after Babs's fantastic Hog Roast, and the four of us spent yet more quality time together in their beautiful, beautiful garden. How lucky they are to live in such fantastic surroundings, and I'm really looking forward to spending time with Medina putting together the Schedule for the 2012 Itton Village Produce Show, because not only do they keep Chooks, they grow all their own Fruit and Vegetables, their borders are well-stocked with shrubs and herbaceous, and looking into keeping Bees as well, (with the newly-named 'Swarming Norman's' help)....... all of which is why I chose her to help me put my first 'proper' Village Produce Show on the Itton map, since Pat and Alan Beattie have, I think, properly retired from it now.

...and she'd never tell you herself, but she's 'The Marmalade Queen' ?! because, quite frankly, her own was far superior in the 2011 Show, and she has the Statificates in her laundry room to prove it, because I've seen them..... High Five Sweetie!

Thank you for watching again kids, and hopefully catch you next time I'm here.X.
Bless You.X

Light, Shade, Shape, Form, Fun and Flavour

2011-07-24T13:56:00.000-07:00

When you see a number of fruit and vegetable species growing alongside each other, sometimes, with the reflection of the light or the dew or whatever, you're drawn to look a little closer. When the dust settles of an evening, you've finished watering/preparing dinner/cuddling the cat, shapes and forms so beautifully appear, to ease away the stresses of 'your workaday world' (as Terry Wogan would say in the trail for Terry Walton's Rhonda Valley Allotment)... And that's why I like sometimes to step back a few paces, inspired by my friend Gloria maybe, to absorb and let natures' beauty sink in some of the more peaceful moments of my life that I'd otherwise miss, giving thought to what I see through the eye of a lense, and then later, what I've captured in my photographs, because each photograph that I take these days, reminds me of my late father, and what photography actually meant to him, in its' importance, and the importance it is beginning to play in my own life..
And then out of the blue, half way up your three-storey building, one of my adorable garden birds has propagated A Sunflower. That'll be nice company for the tree sapling that's growing out of our chimney pot in Wellie Towers then, obviously....!

Fert'n'Liza Flobalob are still recovering from their guest appearance on The Itton Village Produce Show Poster this year. Foot-loose and totally 'hands-free', Wellie, being completely aux fais with all kinds of modern technology, has banned them from any mobile pheramones, P-pods, U-boats, Z-Beds, U-Tubes, FaceAches or Twatters until they regain their composure and va va vacuum....?!

Just when you thought it was safe to come out of your kitchen......and having visited County Cork specifically to dine at Cafe Paradiso ourselves a few years back, who did I applaude from my very own kitchen once again last week on The Funny Farm Blog? And my culinary hero has indeedy answered my prayers and written another book, which Trousers kindly bought for me within two days of finding it online after Emma assured me that he'd written a fourth. Denis Cotter, I adore you. There. I've said it......

Unfortunately, we made the mistake of staying at a B&B a couple of doors away from his restaurant on that visit, where there was no chair in the room to sit down and put your pants or sox on from. If you opened the wardrobe door, the weight of the door, without any hangers weighing it down inside, brought it crashing down into your face. They 'unlocked the dining room' each morning to allure you in for brekkie for the worst case of a breakfast that has ever been witnessed in the history of mankind, and they charged us a fortune for the priv, priv, honour?

Thankfully, I'm thinking that one doesn't even need to 'Go To SpecSavers' anymore, proverbially, because Paradiso themselves were starting to do B&B, and that should be up and running now so that you don't have to suffer the same fate as Trousers and I?
What I actually really love about Denis and his culinary expertise, apart from the obvious, that he makes vegetarian food So Ruddy Gorgeous, is that he TALKS about it before he tells you how to do it, because when I bought his 'Paradiso Seasons' I had no idea who he was but read his book from cover to cover, because it was just so dead interesting. His sense of humour is much like my own, and his writings/witterings intrigue me at every sentence, paragraph or turn of the page. But the best bit of all, is that he makes your mouth water with every recipe that he creates, and if, like me, you actually grow the stuff outside of your own back door, he's bringing perfectly 'doo-able' restaurant or homely food that you're 'itching' to cook, right to your very fingertips, making it a part of your everyday life.
Trousers and I had the pleasure of a few words with Denis when we visited his restaurant, because we asked to, he won't remember, but as one of his biggest admirers, I'd like to pass on our good wishes to him if he were ever to read this, with my utmost sincerity for many more an inspirational book to 'Blow My Frock Up'.
Bless You Denis.X

We appear to have lost a photo or two in the translation of uploading this blog this evening children, which can only be Wellie's fault (!), but there was a rather spesh photo I'd planned for you, which showed, simply a mower, a garden rake, and an Orchard.
The story therein, relies on diligence, everyday 'floor-pickings'. What I collect from the orchard floor is effectively 'Mine'. What 'The Girls/Sheeps' see and eat, is 'Theirs'. And having mowed the orchard floor this afternoon, raked all previously fallen fruit out of the way, anything that falls subsequently, unless into a big pile of Sheep Sh!t, if I get to it before they do, it's got Wellie's name on it.X

You're all very quiet.... Are you still there?!

I'll come quietly Occiffer......

2011-07-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

Last week, at my friend Emma's, I purposely mowed her Strawberry Bed. She'd lovingly harvested ripe fruits there for a few short weeks, and I didn't like to rain on her parade at the time, but the plants are truly exhausted, and need 'grubbing out', as us horticultural peeps like to say, because it sounds 'dead knowledgeable', and makes us appear like we know what we're talking about. Not only that, but after the harvest, you couldn't actually SEE the Strawberry Bed for huge great clumps of grass, docks and nettles? Unlike my own, of course, which, because of the 100% TLC it's had in its' very existence this year, I'm going to be thinning out our Strawberry Plants to start her a totally new Strawberry TableTop Planter in her Fruit Cage, and also, start her off some very new plants from the runners that you can see dangling here. It'll save her a fortune, and hopefully, we can buy some 'everbearers' between the two of us with monies saved, to extend our harvests, and buy our Autumn stocks of Japanese Onion Sets, Garlics, Potato Sacks, Sweet Pea Seeds, and whatever else us girlies feel a need to shop for! 'Citing!!

Also, as a talking-point in the same photo, my caribbean Sweet Potato plantlets are beginning to show signs of growth, and it's the first time I've ever attempted to grow these. They were expensive to buy, so I was tempted to buy another four today at half price, to 'take a punt on', in the hope that they'll come good before the end of year frosts. I should plant them in the soil of the greenhouse, to extend their life me thinks to be on the safe side.

I own a number of excellent gardening books (surprise surprise) and I did refer to my book on growing flowers to dry this weekend on account of the fact that I've got a shed-load of Poppy Seedheads (none of which I've sown at all) and I thought it'd be silly to waste them. The Poppies have been much admired by old and young peeps that came to our Open Garden Day at the end of June, and it is only just now that I read: "Even the opium poppy (Papaver somniferum), named for the drowsiness produced by its extracts, has been used for arranging on occasions. Although it cannot legally be cultivated without a licence, it is still found growing in cottage gardens or in the wild and the seeds, which contain no drug, are used for decorating bread and cakes. I'm still in shock, obviously.... (See Wellie make loads of bread and cakes in the next few months!!) Have YOU ever been arrested Children?!

Now this photo below absolutely 'blows my frock up', because I've read about Leek 'pips' before, but never experienced it happening on a seedhead to propagate my own leeks, so I am absolutely delighted, because this will be a true Funny Farm Leek for future years to come. Horticulture doesn't get tougher than this children? Although, having said that, I'm going to be spending time researching grafted greenhouse plants like Tommies and Peppers in any spare time before breakfast for next year, because it interests me, and there's clearly huge mileage in that subject if you've got the patience, eh?

And lastly, this is the very reason that I like to grow our dinner outside of our kitchen door: Eat your heart out Mr. Birds' Eye.... Wellie's Peas are picked and frozen in less than five minutes.....

She picks a small amount of pods, shells them, freezes them, then picks some more, shells them, freezes them, and so it goes on. The only way they reach our tummies, other than freshly, is straight out of the freezer in a beautifully simple and tasty Herb Risotto during the darkest days of Winter, or in one of the gorgeous vegetarian recipes from my very very favourite Denis Cotter recipe books, which are so hugely inspirational, even not being vegetarian ourselves. When you need the cockles of your heart warmed with the taste of some beautiful homegrown 'stuff', you couldn't wish for recipes as gorgeous as his from Paradiso in County Cork.

I made Trousers laugh yesterday. He was being A Grumpy Old Man in the sitting room, and I'd been shelling peas in the conservatory with the cat (as you do....) and it suddenly occurred to me that it'd be a waste to chuck the pods away. The redundant pea pods were suddenly destined to become my first ever Home Brew, namely Pea Pod Wine, (pods frozen till sufficient quantity collected)
Picture the scene Kids..... with a glass or two of Pinot Grigio on board already, my very Pooh Bear brain beginning to kick in, and Wellie just bursts out laughing. With my humour never readily impressing the cat, I tripped into the sitting room, and proudly announced to Trousers that I'd thought of a fab name for my first Funny Farm Country Wine: (Drum Roll......) : NO PEA GRIGIOT ! I thank you.... see Wellie curtsey, catching thrown bouquet of flowers, and kissing her cat on the head.X

I posted today a Thank You card to Storming Norman, because I've appreciated his time and effort in identifying his thoughts, comments and suggestions regarding The Village Produce Show.
That said and done now, I must put my own expenses in to tally the books for The Treasurer, and then The Show can be put to bed for 2011.

Go out there and sow the last of your Perpetual Spinach, Beetroots and all that kind of stuff this week, because if you put it off any longer, children, there will be tears before bedtime.

My time for bedtime now. Thank you so much for listening. Have a great week, and hopefully, if I'm spared, I'll see you here again next Sunday.
X

The Fat Lady Has Sung...

2011-07-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

...So that'll be The Show over then?!
I received a lovely letter this week from Storming Norman, who triumphed with trophies once again at the 2011 Produce Show. He thanked me for a well-organised Show, which was very touching actually, and as I had a Suggestion Box in The Hall on the day, he'd like to share his with me now:

Very good suggestion to open The Hall earlier 'on the morning' rather than for two hours the previous evening to enable plenty of time to stage exhibits. Because, instead of me sat there Billy No Mates, hand-writing the name of each class, beautifully I might add, with my Calligraphy Pen on all 100 First, 100 Second, and 100 Third Prize Certificates, next year I can be sat relaxing at home in our beautiful garden with my man, my cat and a cool pitcher of Pinot Grigio instead!

Just a point of information (and he did inform Pat of this a few years ago); it is a 'Strig' of Currants, not a 'String' evidently. That suggestion may be ignored, me thinks, on it wrongly being read as a typographical error by The Punters?

Whilst reading his epistle, it became quite clear that my carefully thought-out, new & innovative Show Schedule seemed to disappoint him on quite a number of levels. And although he didn't enter anything in this category personally, the Cookery & Preserves section was particularly faulty, which he covered in detail for me so that I was left in little doubt.
It's a shame really, because I'd spent months on that bit; shuffling things around, tempting more creativity, researching delicious new recipes to tickle your tastebuds this year, to be interesting for the judges to judge, and visually appealing for visitors to view. All in all, I'd put a tremendous amount of thought into it, and it was the section I was most proud of?

Still, the very lovely Olga Brandt-Bull, Lord of Itton, 90 something, who joined us for my first Itton Produce Show, took my hand and congratulated me so sincerely on my creative and well-put together schedule and show, that I knew I should be proud of what I'd done in taking up the reigns and keeping Itton's Village Produce Show alive for another, and hopefully many years to come. I shall particularly treasure her hand-written note to me with the respect that it truly deserves.

Not wanting to please all the people all the time, even with one Show under my belt, I've learned an incredible amount about what does, and doesn't work well here, and next year, with The Jubilee, The Olympics, fewer low-flying teddies, and the help of my 2012 Show Possy, I'm excited about it already, so God Save The Queen....

Trousers managed to mow the grass before the wet stuff arrived during the week, but The Funny Farm garden has largely just been admired from the Conservatory windows or from under the garden gazebo-johnny by ourselves and our friends... I'll paint the picture for you: Borage, Poppies, Pot Marigolds, Dahlias, Roses, Cerinthe, Nasturtiums, Violas, Flowering Herbs, Sunflowers, Lavender, Candytuft.....

... and all the fruit and vegetable plants that we're harvesting from are equally as beautiful, in differing shades, shapes and form to add to the visually edible tapestry I aspire to weave for us every season: We've had the occasional handful of Autumn Bliss Raspberries, the last of this years' magnificent Strawberries, 'Strigs' of Blackcurrants (!), cute little yellow & green Courgettes, the first proper crop of ripe tommies, and half a dozen perfectly-formed Cauliflowers. The last of the Bored Beans have been anorakly shelled, blanched, peeled and frozen for out-of-season use in Wellie's Winter Kitchen Wonderland. We've had more Mangetout than we could shake a stick at, with Summer Sprouting Broccoli, second-sittings of Calabrese sideshoots, Carrots, Noo Potatoes... Oh, and best of all, 500g of Stella Cherries, our first ever harvest! Last year we had two cherries, one of which fell off before it ripened, and the other went into the tummy of a blackbird I think.
Anyways, all 500g are pricked, pitted and shaken daily in sugar and brandy now. No, I can see you are children, given that you're the colour of Kermit The Frog?

One of the biggest jobs done has been to relieve my chest freezer of the responsibility of looking after the remainder of last years' Funny Farm fruit for an extortionate electrickery fee, and like my friend Gloria, I've made a Fruit Compote, sterilising the fruit in their preserving jars. The 'ping' of the lids just now was a sure sign of a vacuum, an excellent seal, and music to my ears. And the ooodles of scrummy syrup that's left over from that medley is tucked up into Lolly moulds with a generous lick of Vodka. On a Summers' afternoon, as my friend Lyn and I giggle the hours away on the sun-loungers, Our Beloveds metal-detecting over the fields to their hearts' content, we'll be A Lush Couple of Lollies, and no mistake!

Welcome to The Funny Farm to those of you daft enough to register as identifiable blog-followers lately... More's The Merrier, so if you've been thinking about doing it, go on, spoil yourself!X

Until next time, Love You'n'Leave You.
Wellie.X

Put Your Hand Up And Shoot Yourself In The Foot?

2011-07-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

The Itton Village Produce Show happened yesterday, (she said, not quite believing that she isn't sporting a major head injury from some quite specific low-flying Teddies...!)

The Stewards I'd chosen to assist The Judges did an amazing job considering that it was their first time. Grace (a spritely 92) took money on the door, for a while...! Jean and Alex were expertly OC Tea'n'Scones. Roger Dodger badgered everyone drawing breath in the hall to buy his Raffle tickets, (majority of prize-winners now owning a considerable amount of Wellie's unwanted books, scarves and oddments!) and my huggy mate Barbara, and Gina made the most amazing cakes and sweet treats for The Cake Stall. Trousers and I rowed our way through The Funny Farm Kitchen to procure lunch for everyone, and I'm quietly confident honey that the blood stains will come out of the curtains on a boil wash?!

I'm still not quite sure how I managed to make such a monumental Cock Up of the Final Hurdle though:

On the table, were eleven trophies, all of which I'd placed a note inside as to 'what they were called' and 'which section they related to'. The problem seemed to arise, because the information on the piece of paper in front of me only correlated to four of them, the other seven trophy winners remaining Itton's Best Kept Secret, until I sift through the paperwork in the next day or so.
Have you ever wished the ground would open up and swallow you in without a trace Children?
Wellie has ...

Still, the number of people who sought me out to congratulate me on such a fabulous, and well-attended Show, was the thing that touched me most, all of them saying that it was about time it had 'a bit of a shake up'...

The number of entries in the show, and the overall quality was outstanding, and whilst I pride myself on my Smug Trugs, I only achieved a Second. All the more wounding, as the judge marked me down because he indicated that I'd scrubbed my vegetables, which I hadn't? "I rather suspect", she said in a stage whisper, "that the judge recognised Storming Norman's excellent Show Standard Veg he's been judging for the past 7 years, because mine is more, shall we say Kitchen Standard" Doh!

I won a First for my up-close-and-personal photo of a ewe with her two newly-born twins through the garden gate of The Funny Farm, but Paulie's mate Pip only went and won Best In Show Photograph didn't he?

So, all evening, whilst we were enjoying a lovely 'Let Wellie's Hair Down' Dinner it was "And WHO won Best In Show Photo? eh? eh?!" It was hilarious.

All in all the 2011 Itton Village Produce Show was a resounding success, and I'd like to give 'a high five' to each and every one of you who helped me to make it so.

Love The Space You're In....X

2011-06-27T16:19:00.000-07:00

Don't ever be tempted to purchase a two-wheelie wheelbarrow, because they're less use to a serious gardener than a chocolate teapot. And they don't remotely go round corners when you want them to. Other than that, a wheelbarrow of any description can transport a tremendous amount of Goosegog branches from The Funny Farm Orchard to the safety of the conservatory in order to harvest in the comfort of your own kitchen, which is why I did it, because torrential rain was forecast, and therefore I could still make hay, even though the sun was refusing to shine. The Gogs were teeny weeny, green and acidic, and absolutely so perfect for teaming with my ripe Strawbs to 'spin out' a low-pectin fruit for a jolly good jam set.

And only just yesterday, Trousers and I held 'A Very Village Tea Party', opening The Funny Farm Gardens to locals to raise money for the village hall/village show kind of thing - hence the existence of bunting, and I have to admit, I've not had that much fun, nor met as many hugely lovely and interesting peeps in a long, long time, so my thanks goes out to each and every one of you for bothering to turn up, and making our day so extremely special.X.

Incidentally, apologies going back to the really weeny gogs, and Trousers is dispairing of me flitting from one thing to another, but life's too short to waste time topping'n'tailing them, so I tend to cook them down and strain their pectin-richness for the future, freezing or bottling to preserve.

And having fallen for the charms of my man yet again, I pandered to his every wish of making fresh scones, ultimately for himself, but also for our lovely friends Pippy and Lyn, with homemade jam, fresh strawberries, and clotted cream. But if you can't spoil the ones you love to be with, what indeedy is the point, eh?

On a beautiful summer day in your own kitchen garden, there's nothing more mouthwatering than having a bit of a wander round with your gardening cat (she seems to be permanently super-glued to me these days....... which was nice.....), and deciding what mostly to harvest today

I'll let you into a little secret now, because up until our Very Village Tea Party, I momentarily stopped harvesting produce so that my friend Gloria could have some photographic opportunities on the day, and so that visitors had some produce to look at. And it goes against my very nature to not harvest stuff when it's ready..... so I'm pleased to say that normality rules now once again thankfully, and we're in certain danger of overdosing on freshness in our kitchen, pantry and freezer for the rest of the summer ....!

With our Village Produce Show taking place this coming Saturday, and certainly everything being at least 3 weeks early round here, I've harvested all of my Red and Whitecurrants, and the majority of the Blackcurrants, Chokerberries, and Worcesterberries prollly tomorrow if no showers.
Having devised the Show Schedule, with classes such as 3 strings of Redcurrants/Blackcurrant etc. it's going to be a lick your finger, stick it in the air, see which way the wind is blowing, and has a single solitary villager got any sodding fruit left to enter?! I'm dead chilled about it myself because I made an executive decision not to enter the show this year, so that I'm beyond reproach, but whatever happens on the day will be a complete disaster, or a huge success for those that are hoping to beat their rivals once again... . Either way, I am so beautifully looking forward to The Show that I've treated myself to getting my hair washed and blow-dried on the morning whilst Trousers is making sandwiches for The Judges' Lunches.

I confess that I begged Trousers to take this photograph the other morning, because everything was just so gorgeous, and it's rare to capture a rapture such as this that you feel. And anyways, the cat was in one of her 'my mum is the coolest mum on the planet' moments. And to be perfectly honest, when you've got bare feet on dewy-wet morning grass, the birds are singing, the sheep are bleeting, the cows are moo-ing, and everything is wonderful (There's a Noddy joke that goes something similar, but you probably know it already?!) it would be a tragedy in my book not to be able to look back on that special moment during the depths of the winter when you feel that you want to.

Now then.....I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't nervous about standing up there in front of everyone in the village hall this Saturday introducing the lovely Pat to open the show, and then announcing the winners for her to present them with their trophies, but ultimately, and hugely personally, I'm very proud of myself, not only for taking over her responsibilities, but introducing a new award to the show:...The Patricia Beattie Best In Show Shield, where she judges, in her opinion, the best, and most outstanding entry in the entire show.

A proper Village Show is a huge thing to cherish as far as I'm concerned, and thankfully, it is still very close to these people's hearts, as it is to my own.

And I hope that, at the end of the day, if any of them ever read this blog, that they will appreciate my sincerity.

Want Something Done? Ask A Busy Person My Friend......

2011-06-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Below, we have A Proper Blokie's Brekkie, because I'm trying, (very trying) to get Trousers to respond to my Wellie Tummy Tickle, which involves Trousers helping me in the garden on a monumental momentary basis in order to tidy the untidy corners for the Invited Guests Open Garden Day in two weeks' time. And I hate to burst your bubble Babe, but honestly, there really aren't any 'other' House or Garden Fairies, I just do it myself??

I'm a huge believer in homegrown 'Mini Veg', because you can plant MUCH closer togevver, they mature quicker, and you get more crops per square metre over a shorter period of time than a sodding huge head of something. Besides, mini-veg costs a fortune in the shops: Calabrese, Cabbage, Cauli - it works for most, and it's just perfect for the two of you if you're 'multi-vegging', even more perfect as a portion for one a la Cauli-Cheese, and completely 'blows my frock up' to show off at Dinner Party level, whether fresh, or out of season from your freezer. With an army to feed, just let 'em grow until they're the size that you want. Simples!

Now then Children......when I ask Trousers to take a photo for the blog, I'm thinking that he might give a thought to photo-graphic/genic composition, but clearly, we're not on similar planets. I was thinking that my handful of slugs was going to be the main focus, and therefore a close-up of the hand, to answer a specific email query for a new blog reader this week. Personally, I don't give a minkey what I look like in the mirror when tending my own private garden, as my neighbours will testify, when I'm on my lonesome, but if it were my own choice, to be photographed wearing a gorgeous Janet Reiger black bra (Christmas Present) with a completely incongruous white t-shirt, a handful of slugs on a blog read by millions around the world.....personally, I promise you, I would have put 'something else on'.

Who's Queen?

So! What does one do of a Wet Weekend? Well... one weeds like mad in The Funny Farm Kitchen Garden whilst it's dry, then one retires to one's kitchen to make many more Jams, Jellies and Marmalades, then labels them all, and hopes to make them a pleasure in someone else's kitchen, freeing up space in ones' own kitchen once again, to make more of the same as the fruit comes to fruition.

For those of you keen to know what's happening with my organising our local Village Produce Show for the first time this year, (after 20 years beautifully run by my predecessor), I am learning that, unlike the wisdom of Forest Gump, sometimes life is NOT a box of chocolates. It's way in excess of TWO boxes of chocolates, and definitely that gorgeous.... Having put my heart and soul into creating a totally new, innovative and creative Show Schedule for 2011, with the blessings of the very lovely Pat & Alan, the good people of the village are coming out to embrace me, and those that aren't, aren't, with knobs on.

Trugs'n'Mugs

2011-06-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've got a confession to make to you? Last week I picked Elderflowers, and irreverently chucked them into a purple recycling kerbside bag, and took them into The Funny Farm Kitchen, hugely proud of my harvest. Not having previously warmed to the scent of the umbels, I had no proper respect for the beauty of my harvest. So now, I stand before you, like one would in front of Simon Mayo of an evening on Radio Two, and beg forgiveness.

And I openly castigate myself on your behalf, in order that you also become aware that when you cut an elderflower umbel at its' base, you should cup it in your hand, and not let the delicate pollen spill out before you, and then tenderly lay it in the pot of boiled water in order to capture every bit of its' essence.

And one more thing, because my lovely new friend Emma told me this week that, just like coffee, if you tip boiled water over, it scalds, and ruins the flavour?. So, boys'n'girls, that's the lesson here today, because for every tip you pass on to someone else, they pass another lovely one onto you.

With today's first Strawb harvest at 1lb. plus, enough to make the Strawb & Goosegog Jam from my friend Gloria's 'Fruits of the Earth' book (ISBN 978-1-906525-26-2), and have enough left over for a Trousers and Wellie Funny Five Minutes pudding with a goodly dollop of clotted cream, there's a tremendous bounty of to begin to look forward to in the months ahead..
Trousers has a keen eye for spotting a Mangetout that's ready to pick at a thousand paces, but with a beautiful stripey young courgette, and a few young and tender broadies to add to the pan for tonight's dinner, with some summer-sprouting broccoli, we're in for a very lush and fresh dinner this evening.

I've finally managed to stop 'chasing my tail' watering stuff in pots, and actually get the majority of my homegrown tomato seedlings planted into the ground now. PHEW!!!!

And where would I be without my adorable garden birds, eh? You Tweeters'n'Twitterers have absolutely no idea how beautiful it is here, and to NOT be in touch with a mobile phone, an I-Wotsit or whatever you have glued to you right now. Honestly, each to their own, but I love the calm and beauty that surrounds me far more than pressing keys or buttons in the beauty of this welsh border countryside.

I'm very sadly, the Mrs. Poppins that gives you my mobile number, and I cut you off when you've rung me by pressing the wrong frigging button?!

And just as sadly, I missed the birth of these two very late babies by absolute seconds yesterday afternoon.

Having alerted our favourite 'Sheep Whisperer' to the newness of The Twins, there wasn't an App in sight. Just two blokes, two mugs of tea, a gardening cat, and what better than a lovely chat over the garden fence?

May I 'big up' our two new blog members here this Sunday evening, and just to say Thank You for joining us, and that for whatever reasons you've joined in the fun, I hope I'll continue to entertain you for as long as you wish to stay.X

Pretty Productive

2011-05-29T10:55:00.000-07:00

Even though we're only end of May, I can't help feeling like it's getting late to sow certain seeds, and that's completely ludicrous, because there's loads of time yet, but I've not sown my Borlotti or Serbian beans, and have only 6 Runners on the go for an early crop of, eh? (always makes me larf with the old boys, how they sow rows and rows of Runners/Kidneys, and then spend all summer-long complaining about having to pick them!) As you can see, everything in The Funny Farm garden is coming on Leaps'n'Bounds with these sunny spells and showers, as well as the weeds unfortunately!

The goosegog bush that I tried to kill last year has produced a healthy crop, and with this afternoons' drying winds after this mornings' drizzle, the elderflowers were dry enough to risk picking for combining the two into a Wellie experimental 'Beena for the storecupboard.

I've taken 'an executive decision' (see Wellie lick finger and stick it in the air children), presuming that these Celery seedlings from Homebase are a modern 'self-blanching' variety, and so as not to get soil in their hearts, I've stuck some empties over the top. The galvanised is to remind me to keep watering, obviously.

Glorious Gloria and I had a really fun lunch last week, and I managed to persuade Richard, the landlord of the best pub in Aylburton, The Cross actually, not allegedly the other one, to display a Flobalob poster for The Itton Village Produce Show on the beams round his bar. I only mention this in conjunction with the photo of my ripening Strawbs, because Gloria expressed an interest in coming to photograph the Strawberry Bar when they were all beginning to drip over the sides of the table, and yes you can sweetie, but no you can't return home with your pockets full...
.

Having slung netting, fleece and environmesh over every bit of fruit in The Funny Farm garden, it's prolly helping to ripen a tad earlier, but naturally, seeing as I'm not entering much into The Village Produce Show this year, on account of organising it, I'm not worried if my fruit ripens way too early this year or not, because, once again, I can always freeze it and deal with it accordingly at a later date.

My Slug'n'Lettuce Bed is 'romping' away now, and perfect for a few 'giveaways' and salads of our own with a smidge of caesar dressing and a round of goats' cheese.

Perspectively, it's all a bit of a mess, but gradually coming together and beginning to happen.

With only a month until Invited Guests arrive for our Pretty Productive Open Garden Party, I still have a hell of a lot to achieve, but I'm confident that it's perfectly possible, will be a huge success, and ultimately, as enjoyable on the day as it's been putting into place.

Pretty Productive. Pretty and Productive. Love It. X

Flobalobs, Furtling, and Fabulous Friends......

2011-05-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

Having had SUCH a fabulous welcome from the lovely Louise at our local Library, the very talented Manageress at the British Red Cross Charity Shop to the left of the traffic lights that are always Red?! Cheppie Bookshop, the fabulous Arty/Crafty shop on the corner, the South Wales Argos/Free Press offices, Peter Merrick Himself at his Chemist, and forgive me if I've not mentioned anyone else, but I've only just begun to distribute these gorgeous Posters for The Itton Village Produce Show, but ALL of those peoples have truly adored the poster (having not noticed that 'first press' neglected to indicate on the poster where The Produce Show would be taking place, but that's all under control so that I can 'swopsy' posters with the correct information in a few days' time, eh?! High Five Bruce, and thank you SO much for agreeing to do the posters once again this year. Bless You.X)

It's been a very noisy Sunday in the garden this afternoon, with Magpie fledglings (underneath the oil tank, crashing into the conservatory window etc.) and Nuthatch babes coming to feed on the nutties, twittering away to their hearts' content, Spotty Woodpecker crash-landing on the feeder, and my cat having spent most of the day in the dog-house for killing a female HouseSparrow. I kept being 'dead cross' and intolerant of her for hours and hours,growling at her even....... then went to dig a stubborn shrub out for a neighbour, came back, and the look on her little face was so pathetic that I had to pick her up and give her a huge cuddle. Good job I never had Children, eh, children?!

This scaffold netting reminds me of Andrex puppies, very strong, very long, and very useful when you have a specific need for it. The searing winds today, and sometime last week, and the fortnight before, and the one before that (get my drift?) It's proving to be absolutely invaluable for giving my crops that little bit of extra protection.......

So... Here we have my 'alleged' Maincrop potato 'Mayan Gold' now in flower. I did pose a question on the GYO gardening forum about why and what to do, given that Alys Fowler was answering questions there, but herself was postponed, and the forum has been unavailable when I've been available, so it seemed more sensible to deal with my own problem myself, and let someone with a more pressing horticultural problem take my place. I'll just have a ruddy good 'furtle' in the soil, eat what's edible, and leave the rest to mature a tad longer, seems to me better than wasting Alys's valuables, when I'm 'Big Enough And Ugly Enough' to look after myself.

Now the photo below, holds at least two or three stories, and two of which I can comment on right now, because in a previous blog update, I showed you that I'd just split'n'divided my Mint and replanted those bits into the recycling box. Well, will you just look at it now children! It's gone crazy, and I am SO going to harvest some of that this week, in a medly of/collection of fresh herbs in small packages, into my freezer, because I've identified certain recipes for tarts/sauces that cry out for the freshest, and I'd be mad not to capture them at their best.

The second, is the climbing Hydrangea on the left, which was given to me yesterday by a friend as a present because she had a spare one. That kind of generosity leaves me completely speechless, because I'm used to giving, rather than receiving.

On a similar note, I've promised my friend Gloria that I'd take her out for a lovely lunch this coming week, and, it's not a secret, but I'd be dead chuffed if she agreed to be a Steward in my first-run of The Village Show, in the Cookery and Preserves classes. That isn't the reason for lunch... It's just because she's fun to be with, and I love her company, and I'm younger than her (Ouch?!)

So. These are truly very very exciting times, because I'm planting loads of edible stuff into The Funny Farm Kitchen Garden, and what I have spare, I'm saving for my friends to plant in theirs'.

You lot are just amazing again to be here, and if you're not already receiving automatic updates of when the new blog is available to read, please do, because I shall be withdrawing my update titles from my GYO signataure very shortly.

Have a gorgeous week.
Your Wellie.X

Pets, Plants & Pants.....

2011-05-15T11:29:00.000-07:00

BC, gardening cat extraordinaire, brought me a present this week? Oh no... I was wrong, it was her 'elevensies'! So I took her lead, and made myself a much more appetising buttered cheese muffin and a mug of coffee, which I wandered round the Funny Farm Kitchen Garden with, deciding what to do next on my ever-growing list of jobs. Why can't I be more like normal people and stop trying to reinvent the wheel every five minutes? I see one job that needs doing.... start that, then spot another, then another, and another, and before I know it, I've done a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and frustrated myself to kingdom come into the bargain.

In the front wall of The Funny Farm, things are just as frenzied with the two bees' nests now..... A couple of dead ones on the inside of the house, but not the monumental graveyard so far that we witnessed last year. Whilst at a later date I'd lurve to properly keep a hive or three, for the moment, there's sufficientt Mother Nature going on around me to keep things sweet, and I don't want to run before I satisfy myself that I can walk, if you get my drift. And talking of Mother Nature, not only have I seen cutesy Spotty Woodpecker baby this week on the nut feeder, then yesterday the first Redstart of the year, and today I was cutting some scaffold netting (don't ask?!) in half lengthways from around my fruit bushes, in order to put a temporary windbreak between the sheep paddock and my newly-planted outdoor tomato plants (all 66 of them?... I know, I need shooting, but I'm hoping to sell some tommies this summer to help feed the Rayburn with oil so that we don't keep running out like last Winter!!!) And guess wot? for the first time in the two years that we've lived here, I was close enough to touch the Treecreeper that was foraging for grubs in the contorted hazel bush. Fleetingly magical moments such as that are so, so special....

And today, children, I'd like to show you how things are progressing in the 'tidy' part of the kitchen garden...(Having prompted a couple of lovely comments from yourselves the other week, I just had to point out that my kitchen garden is a far tidier place than my house?) but at this time of year, Trousers is always an absolute Darling when it comes to just putting up with me and my seedlings all over the windowsills, conservatory, kitchen worksurfaces & Rayburn.

And with the temporary windbreak up now, my garden girls get a little respite from these chilly winds. Whilst watering the cordons in, I was musing whether to buy a cheap late bargain of maincrop tatties to plant at their feet, and I plumped instead for the brilliance of planting the Roma bushy plum tommies at their feet instead. For me, this was another Wellie 'ping' of an idea, because there's netting at the back to keep their 'sprawl' more upright, and I shall be protecting the soil with a mulch of some kind, which'll keep the plum tommie fruits off the soil. And when the base of the cordons are a little bereft, the Romas will help to keep it looking Pretty Productive.

Now then.... this is serious stuff, and I have posed a question on the Grow Your Own 'Grapevine' Forum, but if you looked at the above picture (just try and ignore the picture below for a while if you can?!) The potatoes nearest to you are Pink Fir Apple (maincrop). To the left of the birdbath are lst Early Vales Emerald. To the right of the birdbath are 1st Early Lady Cristl, then behind that, a whole row of 2nd Early Piccolo Star, then a whole row of maincrop Mayan Gold, which are just about to start flowering. Can you see just how Bonkers this is?

And didn't I predict last weekend that 'WonderWellie' would prolly fly in to weed the carrot bed for me Kids?

Thankfully, she did. My bottom isn't as big as hers, obviously, and who gave her permission to borrow my Wellies?!

Have a good week my friends, and be sure not to take this mild weather for granted. Keep an eye on the forecast, just in cases, because it would be a tragedy to lose stuff that you've nurtured for all these weeks and months, eh?

Thank you for gracing me with your valued company once again, and I look forward to being your hostess with the mostess again next weekend.

AND, I should be able to give you a sneaky preview of The Itton Village Produce Show Poster.X.

Bonkers....

2011-05-08T13:08:00.000-07:00

Absolutely & Utterly Bonkers...... No, actually, you're making your own story up again Children, because I was referring to the fact that I tried to murder this gooseberry bush, along with two of its' sisters last year? No word of a lie, they were showing 'thuggish' tendencies towards their neighbouring Worcesterberry and Chockerberry cousins, (and, before I forget which is which: A Worcesterberry is a Gooseberry on a Blackcurrant rootstock, and a Chockerberry is a Blackcurrant on a Gooseberry rootstock). Or is it the other way around? Honestly.... I can amuse myself for seconds with that conundrum every time, until I find the scrap of paper it's written on, then lose it, and forget again......Surely so many Senior Moments aren't good for one in such a short space of time.

It's also Bonkers, (see my friend Gloria over my shoulder now, but not literally, just 'peering', eh?) because the above-mentioned of Wellie's Goosegogs are ready well before the other bushes, or a glut of Elderflower heads, and many a recipe book marrying the two flavours well in a number of culinary directions, but given the wealth of blossom this Spring, mercifully uninterrupted by frosts, Wellie's got designs on keeping the fruit to HERSELF this year.

Last year, Mother Nature kind of had a 'Free For All' as far as the Orchard produce went, and there were Bluetits and bold young steers pecking, licking, coughing and spluttering all over the lovely apples, plums 'n' pears, and whilst I've got a perfectly good sink, with running water and everything, the damaged fruits having fallen from the trees then into Sheep Doo-Doo or Cow Dung, forgive me, but that didn't really blow my frock up much to want to cook or preserve them?
So!..... here we have another nice picture of Wellie's hand/an update on how her 'tabletop' strawberries are coming along. They've been planted in amongst a goodly dollop of manure, infilled with Westlands Multipurpose Compost with added John Innes, and mulched with grass clippings. (Me and my grass clippings, eh?!)

Now, only because someone brought up the subject on the GYO Grapevine forum the other day about pricking out/thinning Carrot seedlings am I even remotely touching on this subject. But I wanted to show that it is perfectly possible. The carrot seedlings in the background were bought as a £1.98 batch of 'Chantenay' seedlings, which I then thinned out, either individually, or in small groups, into homemade paper pots within the confines of my conservatory. It's important to keep the paper pots moist at all times so that the roots have easy access to surrounding soil later, and, of course to plant them into a totally 'Carrot Root Fly Free Zone'. It's Bonkers to even want to do this Kiddywinkies, but I have designs on them for my village show?!
(just ignore the weeds, Wellie will call in 'Wonder Wellie' wearing her frilly knickers on the outside of her strides, as soon everything else in the house and garden that needs doing is done this week, eh?!)

Next up is my adorable little pussy cat. Isn't she gorgeous? Like HELL she is!....Wellie, knowing exactly when to withdraw her hand/arm/whole body at a moments' notice, just by looking into her beautiful eyes are the only set of Rules my friends!! Trousers and I have a sign for visitors that says: BEWARE OF THE CAT. And we mean it.

Well what else has been Bonkers this week? I'm growing 'Myan Gold' Maincrop Potatoes for the first time, and I noticed today that they're just beginning to show signs of flowering. Not a single flower on any of my 1st or 2nd Early Potatoes, obviously... Any advice out there?

During the week, I made the mistake of wearing pedal-pusher-Trizers to Mrs. Hyphen-Hyphens' to do a tad of weeding, with it being so warm, and I got very cruelly bitten to death on my ankles, (and you know how much I can be allergic to 'ankle-biters'; particularly in supermarkets), and I kid you not, I ended up looking like I'd got Elephantitis. Trousers very kindly, eventually, agreed to go and buy me some anti-hissie-fit tablets, and after four days now I feel better.

Our registered Blog members totalled 28, then 27, and I witnessed 'Sleepwalker' abandoning The Funny Farm Blog, so could we all wish him/her well today please with their departure?
And a very warm welcome then to their replacement, whether or not it be connected...
And I'll be back here again, god willing, for you next week, if you'll let me.X

LOVE ACTUALLY......

2011-05-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Let me kick off with the fact that there are some seriously beautiful roses around this lawn, the likes of which, until 2 years ago, I had never seen, and wanting to share them, I'm wanting to open my garden up nearing the end of June, to allow others to appreciate them as well, and maybe to earn the odd penny for the sake of our local village hall.

But I decided to give the front lawn a well-earned makeover, and I spent six hours yesterday just getting the dead stuff out with my scarifier, and these bags are packed solid/compacted down to their boots with dead moss and thatch.

I'm not sure how many years now that I've actively taken part on the 'GrowYourOwn' Grapevine Forum, but it's refreshing to find that my 'horticultural witterings' are still appreciated, so thank you, sincerely, to those of you who are recently, and hugely still appreciating me.

And I only say that, because of the gorgeous feedback that you give me, which does indeedy keep Wellie writing this blog, because without you, I'd feel pretty stupid sat here talking to the cat.
Is that the biggest lie that I've told?! When am I NOT talking to my gorgeous cat??!

This evening.......Unless I make you laugh, or 'pull this one out of the bag' Children, this is going to be one hell of a boring blob update this week, believe me, because I have rather mundane photos here, and that's because there's serious stuff going on in the garden, like Lawn Scarifying, and Earthing Up Potatoes, and Growing Onions From Seed, and Sets, and Mulching to keep the moisture in and the weeds out.

Sometimes, like in one of my all-time favourite rom-coms: 'Love Actually', you could get given the 'boring biscuits', Sir, or, 'I'd give you the chocolate ones'. And as a grower of your own food, it's constantly the boring ones, and the chocolate ones, isn't it?! and that's what keeps us keen, enthusiastic, and on our tippy-toes all of the time.

This bed was the weediest of all of the veg beds last summer/autumn, so I decided that it needed a smack on the bottom for that, and so planted Potatoes, because we know that Potatoes will defeat any level of weeds.

At completely the other end of the scale, onions will not tolerate any weed competition at all, so this year, I'm experimenting with mowing the sheep paddock, picking up sheep droppings and mowing the grass in one swoop, and then mulching the onion rows, hopefully fertilising the onions at the same time.

Oh, and just having found out that you're here, have I told you how gorgous that is?!x

FULL MOON, HALF MOON, TAKE YOUR PICK!

2011-04-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

Can you Adam'n'Eve it..... I'm fifty years of age, and I developed a spot yesterday. I always, always go weird on a Full Moon, no word of a lie. Now. Having told you that, you're all thinking that down here on The Funny Farm, we've ALWAYS got a Full Moon on the go?! and you may indeedy well be right Children. Trousers was tucked up with Teddy when I took this photo the other night, when it would've been lovely to share 'the man in the moon' with him over a glass of homemade olcoholic tincture, but he's been working his sox off and deserved his Zs.

The very loverly metal-detecting peeps he's making friends with, introducing me to them back at home here are all putting orders in now for Sloe Gin, Sloe Whisky, Strawberry Rum, Damson Voddy, Rhubarb & Chilli Schnapps..... and given the breathtaking blossom this year, uninterrupted by frosts, I am hopefully going to be 'up to one's armpits' in luscious fruit for bottling, pickling, chutneying, jamming, jellying, crumbling, creaming and fooling. I mentioned to you in the previous blog that I've been sad enough to start amalgamating all of the contents of my recipe books where it's relevant into a 'What to Do With A Glut Of .........?' and to be perfectly honest, I can't remember a time in my life when I actually did anything quite so sensible as that.

(see Wellie smile to herself and kiss the cat sat next to her on the kitchen table - I know she shouldn't be on the kitchen table, but she always does when I'm tryping my blob with a glass of ?!)

I used to love Trousers. But I don't anymore, because instead, I absolutely just adore him...?

Yesterday we took Moneypenny (4x4xBond it says on the back of my truck) up to The Top Field, to ask Ted to fix the fencing down in the lower paddock, but he wasn't there. No, just joshing with you.... because we went specifically to pick Wild Garlic Leaves, and Trousers had told me that there's acres of the stuff. And he wasn't wrong.......(Nice pants luv!) and you'll be glad that my first blog photo was of the full moon Children?

With two carrier bags of wild garlic leaves, a short visit to Cheppie Market, where we bagged a 2.5kg block of excellent Parmesan for fifteen quid, we were back at The Funny Farm, putting our mornings' work into action. Namely, a very tasty twist on the gorgeous Basil Pesto that one normally buys: Wellie's Wild Garlic Pesto, which I then freeze down into useable quantities for use later in the year. It is truly amazing added to risottos, garlic bread, soups, casseroles, quiches.......

Which is also exactly why I've now harvested, prepped and frozen my mini-leeks. They're just beginning to get designs on 'bolting/sending up flowering shoots', which will ruin the culinary crop for me, so USE IT OR LOSE IT is my motto here, and it'll only be taking up freezer space for a very short time, being incorporated into delicious savoury tarts and the like between now and when I run out.

Then it'll be the turn of whatever else is free food from The Funny Farm.
Not these I'm afraid! but the view from up here is just stunning.

I think I'll bring him and his mates a Funny Farm Picnic up here one of these sunny days, and we'll just lay about in the grass for an hour enjoying the sunshine.

Before I go, I must just send a hug to my friend Gloria because she wrote extensively about me on her blog last week, having come here to photograph 'stuff', which I love her doing whenever she can because it photographically helps her, and reminds me of how my own late father used to take endless photos all the time when I was a child.... and I hadn't expected her to blog it, thinking that it was ultimately for another gorgeous project up her sleeve.
I shall get a link from The Funny Farm blog to her blog for you, and then you too can appreciate just why it is that I adore quality time spent with this talented, witty and creative Honey Bunny.X

In the meantime, I curtsey and thank you for yet again following my blog update, hoping that maybe I've informed, inspired, amused or entertained you.
And I'm going now.....

Spring's Sprung at The Funny Farm

2011-04-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

And that means the first of my forced rhubarb 'to play with' in my kitchen. And because my mind tends to go blank with wot to do with my harvests, I started a number of very sad reference books, (completely for my own use, obviously) a while back, that logs every single recipe in all of the books that I own, so that I don't have to waste time every season, searching endlessly through each and every to find out how best to use and preserve it?.... Now, I just open my reference book, search through all of my listed recipes, whether it be Rhubarb, Crab Apples, Jerusalem Fartichokes, Parsnips or Leeks, and choose which recipe best takes my fancy that day of harvest .
I must admit to having wanted to throw in the towel on occasions when I've been compiling the references, but I'm applauding my own anorakness and perseverence now, because as my harvests increase, so does my culinary repertoire. Unfortunately, so does Trousers' waistline?!

I couldn't even begin to tell you what variety of Mint this is, but it's the best Mint I've ever tasted, and I've neglected it for two years now, so I thought I'd pretend that it'd won the lottery, so divided it, replanting it in a redundant recycling container - which seemed rather fitting, so that it can go forth and multiply itself.

Fert'n'Liza look as 'cream crackered' children as Wellie is feeling this evening, because they've mowed The Orchard. And the reason they did that, was because much much later in the season, the sheeps won't be eating this grass here, the fruits fall, the Heffers aren't sposed to be let in here, but somehow they magically appear, and then lick all the fruit, trample all the windfalls, and Wellie completely loses the will to live......(!) So, this year, I thought we'd NOT have that happen, if I can help it?!
And, having picked up, and removed large stones, I'm confident now to keep The Orchard floor more manageable so as not to wreck the mower. (Of course every time I mow, I'm hoovering up Sheep droppings too, so whether I'm putting the grass clippings on the compost heap, earthing up my potatoes, or mulching any of my vegetable beds, I'm adding valuable and totally free nutrients to my productive plot......
(Clever Wellie?!)

Okay..... Now this greenhouse, last year, and the year before was completely dominated by overgrown Grapevine, Nectarine and Peach, and it was an unruly mess from years' of neglect. You can't have things like that destroying the structure of a greenhouse, growing through the sides and roof, so this year, I'm trying to bring a sense of decorum..... (no laughing at the back now kids?!)

Ooh! and what a surprise! Wellie's Gardening Cat is strutting her latest on The Cat Walk?!

Having not been able to capture the male Black Cap Bird in my garden for you on film (gutted, obviously), I was rather thrilled to have captured this lovely moment (Worcesterberry/Chockerberry - never can remember which!!), but not hugely in focus (Bum. Bum. See Wellie Jump up'n'down with clenched fists kiddie-winkies?)

And I'm going to leave you on this rather sad note: I used to wonder why one never saw a juvenile Pigeon, and today, rather sadly, I learned the answer....
A SparrowHawk flew into the nest, grabbed a hold of the baby Pigeon, and I saw it fly off with it.
I have never felt so gutted for a parent pigeon in my life as I watched it come to terms with its loss, not only immediatly, but for the next half hour or so.......
and then it spent the next hour 'comfort eating' the ivy berries around its nest.......

Pip Pip! & Toodle Pip!..........

2011-04-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

.....now aren't those two lovely old-fashioned sayings?
Our friends came to The Funny Farm for lunch yesterday, and to share the day's free entertainment in the back yard, which was a Point to Point: "Pip Pip! Daddy Gave Me This Land!" (hence the late blog update). And todays' blog title has been chosen largely because Trousers' metal detecting mate on the left is called Pip. See Pippy and Trousers not know when to stop eating cheese children?! ( bit like us girls growing up away from home in the olden-days when Daddy used to pay off our overdraft, as in: "I can't be overdrawn, I've still got cheques left?"! )
Lunch wasn't a huge success, I'm afraid, because I tried out the savoury tart recipe I wanted village peeps to make in our local Village Show on 2nd July, and it didn't come close to being as nice as it sounded on paper, so it's back to the drawing board on that I'm afraid! but phew! far better to find out now, than involuntarily pose as The Village Idiot on the day, eh?!

......and then we've got the most beautiful blossom on the trees in The Orchard (later to produce pips.... see what I did there?!) and to be perfectly honest, the sheer amount of blossom is absolutely 'blowing my frock up'. So, provided there aren't any untimely frosts to knock the blossom on the head, there should be the most amazing fruit crop this year.

And today, I sloshed a bit of water onto the outside of the 'Draughty Dutch Greenhouse' to disperse the green algae on the glass, because I wanted to begin to tie-in some of the lower branches of my Pear & Sour Cherry trees, and the hybrid blackberry inbetween them loosely onto horizontal canes.

I also had a brilliant 'ping' idea about training my Crab Apple tree that I've let start to produce stems all the way up the lower trunk, to form a living and productive criss-cross dividing fence, bringing the crop down to a much more 'pickable' height than last year.

......and then comes the first 'Toodle Pip', because once the wild garlic is over, it magically disappears into the ground, and you don't see it again for another year, which is why I get truly obsessed with it whilst it's gorgeously here. Like a woman obsessed, I wilt it like spinach, make pesto from it, add it to quiches, stuff things with it, and freeze it.

.....and to my second 'Toodle Pip': a ceremonial burial here for my first, and failed attempt at Pickled Walnuts. But what you're unaware of, is that this hole is about 4ft deep by 4ft wide by 4ft wotsit, making it a sizeable hole in any instance. But the hole in the ground happens to have just 'appeared' IN OUR DRIVEWAY?!, which could have been disastrous, had I been turning my MoneyPenny Truck (4x4xBond)around: Ooh! Where's Wellie Gone?!
But thankfully, it was noticed before such disaster struck, and we're busy filling the hole with a multitude of sins, gradually, methodically and rather frantically now. Hence, a choice graveyard for my failed Pickled Walnuts, that had indeed formed a shell prior to me pickling them last year, but I am very much the wiser now...... (Will be picking the green walnuts during Wombledon Week this year for certain).

Thank you, you're very kind to have read my blog again, and I'll meet you here again next week, if you're not too busy.X

April.... So Have to be Completely Potty Now.....

2011-04-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

Okey Dokey.... I've got this Paper Potter device thingy, that with very little skill, but does take an initial 'knack', allows you to make your own sowing/growing pots, and I know I've talked to you about it before, but it is definitely the mutts nutts, and is this year, for the very first time, making my dream of 'Successional Sowing' an absolute DREAM..... Largely, because in previous years, I've been faced with endless bare soil, not knowing exactly WOT to sow exactly WHERE, because I'm daunted by the sheer amount of blank canvass, and then of course, you procrastinate, and end up sowing not a jot. When that happenes, you end up with no crops at all, which is next to useless.

Bear with me:
"Now those Cauliflowers are looking good.....they've germinated well, and the previously sown ones are ready to be planted into the ground now with their roots beginning to show through.....so better get some more sown today then Wellie Girl!"..... See what I'm doing here?
Sow some. Wait a few weeks. Sow some more. Wait a few weeks. Sow some more, etc. etc.

Anyway, enough of teaching your grandmother to suck eggs. I have a serious project now to address, because with running our local village produce show this year for the first ever time - See Wellie knock knees like Prince William, but not have to go up the aisle? And therefore, I MUST reinvent my darlilng Flobalob Flowerpot Peeps, because I'm wanting to make the most fantastic poster to bandy around the locality to advertise and get peoples to come visit The Show,........., and I thought that everyone of my own half a century age grew up with Bill'n'Ben' & Weed? and how lovely it would be to kind of 're-invent' that, to spark a twinkle in people of my tender years, and, also to maybe excite/inspire their own Ankle Biters to want to visit a boring old Village Show?
I managed to delegate something the other week, which is hugely unlike me, so I'm personally thrilled with myself for managing that. And I'd asked my lovely Mate At The Gate (Gina) to liaise with Ann(e), who I met on New Years' Eve to procure new ideas for 'The Childrens' Classes', and I am here to tell you that they have done THE most amazing job. Not being able to eat a whole child myself, I find myself wanting to enter each and every class that they've devised because I find it so exciting:-

Now, tell me THIS Funny Farm Followers.... how could you possibly NOT want to make an edible necklace out of sweets. At any time in your life?! The girls have just done a magic job for the schedule, and I have a huge smiley on my face. Ann(e) is now going to target the GingGangGoolie Clubs to drum up a bit of business, because largely, the Big Schools tend to be heavily involved in the Big Boys' Heavy Brigade Shows, and I want to keep ours definitely 'Village' ? because there's a Vicar of Dibley in all or us me thinks.X

I

I found this little bee in my conservatory this afternoon, almost dead to the world, so the only thing that I know to do is to pick something high in nectar,one of my overwintered wallflowers, and try to introduce it to them. If he doesn't survive the night, at least he will have died happy.

I've been incredibly busy in The Funny Farm Kitchen Garden today, whilst Trousers has been out with A Chum detecting on the Daddy Gave Me This Land, and there's been A Pony Club Event happening for the last two days, so Wellie has been subjected to Tarquin & Jasper having completed a clear round, to accompany her weeding, and evidently Tamara and Rupert having just jumped superbly..

I've loved you listening, and I hope you've loved reading

Until next time Children.....eh?!X.

De Dah!...Raised Beds. Trousers Covered in Kisses.X

2011-03-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

I felt that Trousers hadn't done justice with his photos of the superbly crafted raised beds, so I wanted to do another blog (you are very very spoilt children this week, no?!) because I'm a great believer in Credit, where credit is due, and obviously, there are more to do yet Trousers darling, ........So here we go:

Having started the Bored Beans off from seed in a polybag next to the Rayburn, then transplanted them into small pots in the warmth of the Conservatory, then chucked them out into the cold 'Mini-Me' Greenhouse, then turfed them out from there into the open ground, with empty pop bottle cloches over them at night, until finally, they're big enough and ugly enough now to stand on their own two feet without any TLC, they're less sappy for the slugs to nibble at, and hopefully, fully hardened off now.

THIS is infinitely better: Proper photos of proper raised beds, and I've started to section them into workable squares, in order to aid my elusive Holy Grail of a Successional Sowing Technique(!) (see every seasoned grower nod their head wisely?!)
.

And having been hugely disillusioned in the past with having sown carrot seed, jumped up and down to see it germinate, and then slowly decline into a deep depression to see the germinated seedlings disappear magically overnight with the night forays of the dreaded tiny black keel slugs living in the soil, Wellie, at about two o'clock this morning, had a kind of what I'd call 'A Baldrick Moment', which in Wellie's mind, surmounts to 'A Brilliant Idea':

Which is to sprinkle your chosen Root Fertiliser in the seed-drill, then a layer of weathered soot, and finally, your carrot seed. The darkness of the soot allows you to see how thinly or thickly you're sowing, and slugs don't like soot.....so you've got a much improved chance of germinating your carrots - she said, licking her finger and sticking it in the air to see which direction the wind is blowing.

I can't profess to have tried it before, but it seems to make sense to me on a sensible growing level, so I'll give it a shot. I do sprinkle weathered soot into my Potato trenches for the same reason.

For now, I am going to leave you to get on with your own week, but I'd just like to say that I had a lovely telephone conversation with my friend Gloria today, after many weeks of us both just getting our heads down and getting on with things, and I'm going to see what she's done on her allotment next week, and then she's coming to The Funny Farm to take some serious Seed Sowing Photos after that.

Thank you to each and every one of you who follow my blog, and particularly, to you very new peeps that have joined the mad house! Bless you.X

More Pomp 'n' Ceremony Needed

2011-03-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another Funny Farm Blog update Kids..... With the weather having been SO beautiful all week long, and so much hard work done, and loads of jobs chalked off the noticeboard, I feel really blessed to have learned to grow our own food, because I feel like the cat that's got the cream at the moment.

The above photo is Wellie's waist-line Sheila Strawberry Bar.... Last year, it was in a much shadier place, and grew salad crops, and quite frankly, I fancied a change (as ya do) and my Strawbs were needing a far superior home now to crop to their ultimate potential. And besides, at ground level, there's real nasty invasive Horseradish growing, so soil-level land is pretty useless to me productively, and now I've effectively regained the land on a higher plane. Clever Wellie......

Check out the farmhouse brekkie I cooked Trousers this morning. For all you blokes reading this blog - good things come in small packages/a little bit of what you fancy does you good, and with the heart-shaped fried egg and last summers' homegrown cherry tomatoes gently defrosted in the Rayburn (feel free to ignore the 'Egg Man' on the left, that didn't turn out as well as I'd hoped?! I was going to fry 'Eggy Sheeps', but my fave Sheep Cutter is broken in one corner, and the egg would've just run out into the frying pan). For some strange reason, Trousers says that A Shrink wouldn't know where to start with me?

Personally, I don't know WHAT he means! Because I enjoy making myself laugh, and occasionally, he laughs as well?!

I can't believe that he hasn't taken top-drawer photos of the raised beds he built for me yesterday, because I wanted so much to show them off to you, although in the 4th photo you can just about take a peek, so I'll maybe do another blog update this week for a better tribute on his behalf, because he right royal deserves it.

Note to self: must learn to upload photos from camera to 'puter myself, as Trousers now WAY too engrossed in Metal Detecting Forum to upload the correct and 'agreed' photos earlier chosen .

Anyway, the first early spuds in large tubs were treated to a well-rotted FYM earthing up this weekend, and check out the new raised bed with the box spiral - in true pantomime style "It's Behind You"!

The Kitchen Garden Potager is truly beginning to take shape structurally now and starting to intrigue me, so watch this space.X

Jumps Up'n'Down....then goes Ouch!

2011-03-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

The neighbour de-decked someone's decking for them, and as a favour, removed it from their garden. He had got 'plans' for using it on some project or other himself, but had nowhere to store it properly, so kindly offered the planks to me for edging my kitchen garden beds. I was over the moon! (see Wellie jump up and down...)

With the much sunnier weather, and the recent glazing of my 'mini-me' greenhouse, the girls are growing a treat now. And that's not compost in the potting tray, it's my cat (obviously, why wouldn't it be!) - she's got a thing about curling up for a snooze, especially if I'm kind enough to put some horticultural fleece in there for her added comfort.

I must take better care of my mature box topiary this year. I only lost one of the balls, having dug them up two years ago to move, but the rest seem to have begun growing again. They just need some liquid feed and a jolly good haircut! I was out in the paddock picking up Sheep Doo-Doo last week....as ya do, it's amazing how much you can collect in half-an-hour - it's all soaking in a big trug of water beside the shed, and should be ready to use in a couple of weeks.
Only another 15 or 20 Parsnsips to dig up and consume - bit sick of Parsnips now, if truth be known, but I've got a lovely Denis Cotter (amazing Irish Vegetarian Chef) recipe for Parsnip, Potato & Wild Rice Rostis, which freeze well.

Only about another hundred and fifty leeks to use up....! but I adore leeks anyway. Make a brilliant base for any flavour Risotto or Quiche, don't they Sheilas?

Most of my herbs survived the freezing Winter we've just had, apart from the Rosemary, so I'll have to replace and reposition that somewhere more cozy. This archway could have nice smelly Sweet Peas up it this year me thinks, and once the Viburnums and Hibiscus come into leaf, it'll add intrigue to the garden beyond.

I was wondering why I was a little on the stiff side when I woke up this morning! but wow! was it worth it! as the majority of the veg beds have had a goodly dollop of two-year-old homemade compost now.... shame to see it disappear so quickly, but then I am rather spoilt with the huge mountain of farmyard manure waiting round the corner with my name on.......

Saturday.... because I've let Trousers have the camera tomorrow?!

2011-03-12T12:32:00.000-08:00

When Wellie's Fert'n'Liza Flobalob sat down round the garden table this afternoon with their friends, after this very very long Winter, they were delighted to see Uncle Trousers finally glazing The "Mini-Me" Greenhouse for Wellie and her gardening cat to work in. The "Drafty Dutch" Greenhouse has so many panes of glass and perspex missing now, that Wellie can't effectively use it, and the "Peachy-Nectarine" Greenhouse is right royal leaking because the front is coming away from the rest of it. But I shall do whatever I can, to do my best, with what I've been blessed with.

I've got a multitude of Tomato, Aubergine, Pepper, Globe Artichokes, Lettuces, Spinach, Chard, Cauli, Cabbage, Carrot, Parsnip, Hardy Annuals, The World His Wife And His Aunty seeds on the go at the moments in my north-east-facing Conservatory, and whilst the conservatory benefits from the warmth of the Funny Farmhouse house walls, I still insist on bringing the Tommies and Tenders into the warm kitchen overnight. Afterall, there's no point germinating them, then neglecting them, eh?

And in order to make room in my kitchen garden now for this year's crops, I'm harvesting the last of my Autumn Leeks, very late sown that now amount to 'Mini-Leeks' that you'd pay a fortune for in the supermeerkats. I'm of the brigade that uses the whole leek, not just the white bit, and when they're as sweet and tender as this, it really makes sense. But I have loads of later-sown Winter Leeks that are just beginning to get a good 'girth' on, to follow on to feed us in 'The Hungry Gap' of the year, before other stuff is ready.

Doh!.... Plonker...... Plan B then!

2011-03-06T12:56:00.000-08:00

So, here we are, down on the funny farm after dark children! Why?

Trousers went off Metal Detecting with his mate Jim today, and his mate Richard, his mate Pip, and about a hundred other mates, and to be honest with you, even if I did know all of their names, I wouldn't bore you with them?.....leaving Wellie knee-deep in weeds, tantamount to a porker in wotsit to me, provided that I've got BBC Radio 2 in my ears . He'd wanted to take the camera with him to photograph his Roman Findings, but I stood my ground, telling him that I needed it to take photos for my Sunday Evening Blog Update, otherwise I'd have mutiny on my hands - isn't that right Boys'n'Girls? I therefore made the grown-up decision, with him leaving at the crack of Sparrow in the morning, to hide the camera, just to be on the safe side.....!

To cut a long story only marginally shorter, I took some rather meaningful shots today, and Trousers, about an hour ago, was transfering them from camera to computer, unfortunately temporarily losing them in the Bermuda Triangle that connects both of those to his adorable brain. Did we larf?
No, I'm afraid we didn't, but that's not important right now.....

Call me stupid (how very dare you) but I think he's getting his own revenge. All is not lost though, as he found them again later after I'd taken these here snaps to give you something to look at this evening, and me to talk about.... hence the mention of a Plan B.

Having agreed to take over organising and the running of our local village produce show, from the very lovely Pat (show organiser for the last 20 years) I'm really enjoying it, and it has helped rather a lot that I so love to cook, because I'm having a ball researching and experimenting recipes from my favourite books to include on the 'Recipe Provided' classes, to somewhat 'inspire' people to take part.
Gina popped round the other day (doing quality typing of schedules and forms to help me) and quite liked the Citrus Peel & Lavender Scones that I'd invented, but rather pointedly said that they could be bigger. So I gave her a slice of the straight-out-of-the-oven Pineapple & Lime Drizzle Cake, still warm, hoping that that might lighten her mood . Trousers though was the one to benefit from the next experimental cake, a Sticky Marzipan & Cherry Loafcake. Absolutely to die for my friends!

And hopefully tomorrow, or the next day, if we can relocate my original photos again, Trousers will be looking a tad happier across the busy kitchen table at me, no?!

Funny Farm 'Come Dine with Me'

2011-02-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?..... Yup! This birdie-table could do with a little TLC, and time is fast approaching, me thinks, for another episode of "Wellie's Workshop". Get that trusty toolbox out Sheila!

I shall own up straight away, and assure you that this brilliant in-flight action shot is nothing to do with my photographic capabilities. I had set up the Finepix on the tripod in the conservatory, securing all the nuts and bolts on the swivels, knobs'n'whistles, in order that, short of tripping over the tripod, the lense was indeed positioned correctly for a taste of Wellie's Funny Farm version of 'Come Dine With Me'.
And there was an ulterior motive on my part, because earlier, I rather bumbled into the conservatory in my very fleecy cream dressing-gown, mug of tea in one hand, slice of toast in the other, and scared away my precious Nuthatch, who was having his own brekkie on the nutfeeder. I was so cross with myself Children, that I had to cover The Cat's ears for a moment or two.......

So, deducing that my Nuthatch must have a bit of an appetite on, I put down my tea and toast, slipped off my slippers, slipped into my RHS Vegetable Wellingtons (as ya do!), and loaded the table up with Sunflower Seeds. I spent the next few hours missing him by 'a cat's whisker', until finally.....BINGO! Clever Wellie.

So, anyway. After that little triumph, I ascended to Wellie Towers and got dressed. Looking in the mirror, I pondered if it was the lack of 'face slap' that had scared my little feathered friend away, but ultimately decided not to put any on, nor to dwell on it further...

Sometime in the last fortnight, having a spare 5 minutes, I thought that the contents of my two-year-old compost bin needed using, so I treated my Rhubarb to a barrow-load, and covered the mound with a large pot to exclude the light. I'm rather proud of the superior structure and darkness of my home-made compost, but Trousers assures me that it's because he P's on it so often. (Not this winter you haven't mate!), and just about to cook dinner, so I'll leave that thought with you!

Hands up all you Children who grew up loving Johnny Morris on the television? So, here, just for you, is a little bit of nostalgia:
"There's that nutty girl again"..... "I know. What's she got stuck to the front of her face?"... "Dunno. Ask her". .. "No, you ask her"..... "Anyway, I've got more freckles than you".... "I know?" ..... "Quick! she's coming, run away!"

BC makes me laugh out loud every day, and understands every word that I say, which is why she is so special to me. You ask her if she wants to go out 'The Front', she looks at you, does, and knocks on the door when she's ready to come back in? People only believe me when they witness it for themselves, as did Pat & Alan just the other day whilst we were having a little Village Produce Show Meeting round the dining table in the hall. Now don't be silly, of course she doesn't use The Door Knocker, Doh?

3-2-1....... YOU'RE BACK IN THE ROOM.....

2011-02-23T11:48:00.000-08:00

..and I've found someone rather spesh, as you can see, to mesmerize you back into the room, because Shrek here is just going to bully you rather than to wish each and every one of you, friends and fiends alike, the warmest of welcomes back to Wellie's Funny Farm Blog.... Let's face it, if you're sad enough to actually know you want to read my blog, then you know you're in the right place, no?!

When I tell you that he has almost had my hand off every day for the last fortnight through the gate, that's no word of a porky. I have a plethora of Ivy growing in my garden, and the reason he doesn't, is because he's eaten it all in his. And sheep do completely go Bonkers for Ivy. So every time Shrek even catches a glimpse of me in the garden, he runs towards me in a similar vein as Trousers does if I've got a homemade Pizza in my hand Children....Or a Chocolate Biscuit, or a Tube of Smarties...or a piece of cheese.

Oh! And please do feel free to crack open a couple of 'Tinnies' any of you Sheilas, or pop a cork on a rather lovely Grigio whilst you reacquaint yourself with this space that I love to live in, because I only write to maximise my own enjoyment and amuse myself, and as is famously quoted, if you're not in the cheap seats, just rattle your jewellry. But do sit back and enjoy.....because I can actually 'go on a bit'..?.!

On a number of occasions late last year, I'd be enjoying my lunch in the farmhouse kitchen or the conservatory, and look up from the pages of my Teach Yourself To Cook, or Teach Yourself to Grow Vegetables books, and unwittingly witness Shrek wispering into the ear of his 'Today Girlfriend'.
It would be a downright lie if I told you that he only had just the one girlfriend every day though Children....

Needless to say, Shrek did a huge amount of wispering in the latter months of last year, and when I've not got my nose in the pages of Shouldn't I Write My Own Book, Now in the Spring, Summer and Autumn Pages of my own mind........... I'm just adorably in love once again.?

The Lambs seems to be popping out slowly this year (or am I just way too excited and willing it to happen quicker?), but I still insist on naming as many as I can think of names for, even knowing 'what's what' for their future, because this is Farming, and they have a really, really fantastic life here.

So let me introduce you to some of Shrek's firstest offspring:

These are Persil, Daz and Omo, and only once so far have they sucked my thumb through the gate thinking that they could get milk from it!
Now way too wise for that trick a second time Missus!!, which isn't before time, because their little teeth do sprout quicker than you know it!

But they continue to go "Me Miss, Me Me Me" when I've got the camera out, so we should get some fabulous shots of them yet.

And then I found my dad's camera tripod in the shed (and I just knew that I'd still got that for a reason, after all of these years, because my dad was a fantastic photographer, and he bought me my first proper Nikon, but for whatever reasons, him or me, the patience was never there to be taught or learned, which now, makes me incredibly cross witih myself, because it must have been my fault ).

I've always adored my garden birds, and I can't tell you how excited I am to put tripod and camera together now at the age of 50 and really start to enjoy this artform, because it's the subject-matter that excites me. I'm sure that I'm not incapable to absorbing the more complicated elements now of how to perfect what I did absorb from my lovely Dad.
And I'm only just beginning to acquaint myself with our new one, so forgive my photographic faux pas for now, eh?

And being in the right place at the right time does help rather a lot if you're honoured at any given moment to capture beauty.

My Residential Robin knows only too well, that when Wellie is looking her scruffiest worst, comes out into the garden in a pair of lace-up-wellies, a pair of kneepads, a dodgy hat and has her earphones on....... you can guarantee she's about to do some serious gardening.....losing herself for hours and hours,
and hopefully unearth a few earthworms!

Until I can be a little more reverent and inventive, I've adopted a kind of James May approach, and named my Garden Robin..........
Cock.
What about You?!X

I'm really looking forward to being able to express myself creatively once again after so long, and I sincerely hope that you will love it yourself, and get you friends interested in reading my blog as well.

In the meantime,
Bless You for Being Here.
And I remain Your Friend,
Wellie.
X

"Testing Testing One Two Three....."

2010-10-21T14:24:00.000-07:00

...... said the cat, as she uploaded her favourite photo of herself once again 'to see if it worked', then told Trousers how to do it, and then downloaded it for him, with one paw on the keyboard, and one on her hip...... Kids, eh, who'd have 'em?!

(If the photo of BC looking to camera does NOT appear on your screens Children, the start of this blog will read like I've finally lost my Conkers. Such that I will personally demote the cat to Sous Chef, helping me wash up in the kitchen, and Trousers'll try a completely different tack to resume photos to our blob himself.... Of course, I'm about as much use to the Computing Fraternity as A Chocolate Teapot.....But thank you for YOUR helpful suggestions so far.X.)

Anyway, I had a truly lovely surprise in the post box today, because a birthday card arrived well ahead of next Tuesday, from the adorable 'Scareys' en France, and I'm purposely going to torture myself with not opening it until my actual 50th on the 26th of October, but I do just want to send a HUGE hug back to them for their thoughtfulness, for now, assuring them of its' safe arrival.....Mmwa, Mmwaa, merci beaucoup Angels, on both cheeks.X.

This is probably only a half-hearted attempt at a blog update on my part kiddy-winkies, because, as some of you avid fruit'n'vegetable growers will be aware, if you're an active reader of Grow Your Own forum, Wellie's been fairly incap.incap.under the weather with well-dodgy Sacro-Illiacs over the last eleven months, but only bleeting about it pathetically of late, and thankfully, as the saying goes, I'm 'under the doctor' now, just having received the second of my Prolotherapy Lumbar injections on Monday, and today being Thursday, not yet being able to feel the existence of my own bottom, is what I would term as "somewhat disconcerting still"....

However, excitedly talking of Birthdays, because turning 50 is, me thinks, rather spesh.... Trousers is 'taking me somewhere' for the event, and we've got friends staying here for the duration to molly-coddle the cat, stoke up the woodburner, cuddle the sheep, that kind of thing.... but he's only so far given me spurious clues:

* You'll need to take your Swimming Costume
* You'll be being 'shown something'
* It's located in The South/South West of England
* You'll need 'walking gear'
* They grow their own vegetables on site
* You'll need to be dressed smartly for part of the time
* It's not a pub, but it could be a hotel
* We'll be taking The Truck (Wellie's affectionate word for The Car)
* And did I tell you that I absolutely adore you?

No - I made that last one up...... That was me just joshing/joking, and anticipating that that might be my surprise birthday present.
From The Cat, obviously..........!

Talking of Special Birthdays:....and I feel that I can say this now...: Mother, after a whole ten years, honestly, I did truly like the Gary Rhodes Cookbook you got me for my 40th. but a big fat cheque would be much more appreciated for my 50th, if it wouldn't be too much trouble.....

I'll say one thing, because it's true: I am much more comfortable in my own skin now that I'm nearing 50, than I have ever been in my entire life up until this day, and for that, I am very grateful to those of you who have helped me achieve this level of happiness over the last ten years of my life. And still being actively able to tap into my own bizarre sense of humour on a momentary basis, whatever situation that I find myself in, has obviously helped smooth out any daily encountered wrinkles. Hence, my beautiful complexion, obviously.....

Between now and my 50th Birthday, I shall be here, contemplating my navel, if any of you want to reach me.
And, of course, I will continue to be a nuisance on The Grapevine (Grow Your Own forum) as and when our TemperMental Computer allows me to.
In the meantime, thank you for listening.

PS. Please don't feel obliged to spoil my birthday surprise by replying with an expert stab at where Trousers is taking me.
I'm a very sensible, grown-up woman, and if he doesn't tell me exactly where we're going by the time we leave The Funny Farm, I'm either going to throw all my teddies out of the pram, or just refuse to go.......
Bless you for watching.X.

Phew.....

2010-10-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I say 'Phew...' with affection, in addition to exhaustion, obviously! because I'm still walking the old Severn Bridge, and back again, because my Doctor advised me to walk between one and two hours a day, and I don't take things like that 'lying down', obviously.......because dodgy Sacro Illiacs darling, you just wouldn't want to go there, and actually, I had a lovely telephone conversation with my goodly friend Gloria the other day, and now she's brilliantly wanting to walk the bridge with me. and that'll be lovely, because that'll be a really big giggle.
(See Wellie having got to Costa Coffee, and Gloria still on the first strutt of the first nut of the bridge on the Cheppie Side, still taking a photo....) and me phoning her to ask if she'd like Cinny or Chocky on her Chino?Which is just exactly why I love her.

My mother always used to say to other people, that I spent so much energy during the summer that I was exhausted by the autumn, and to be perfectly honest, there's prolly not a truer word was spoken by a wiser woman.

Thankfully, I've just started to write to my mother again after a gap of ten years since my father died, sadly of Throat Cancer, and, obviously, I still miss him hugely and enormously.
Can I share a secret with you? My dad always used to dry up the dishes with a tea towel in each hand. Try it. It makes perfect sense, and I do it all the time.....

Paulie and I had A Dinner Party tonight, which was nice....
And the couple that we shared our home with were just so lovely, refreshingly humorous, brilliant storytellers, and a complete JOY to cook for, and NO, I'm NOT going to give you their number!
John and Gina, seriously, you are such perfect guests, and thank you for being guinea piglets for my little Caribbean Levi Roots experiment this evening.

I find myself still apologising for no photos, but Trousers does assure me that it is not at all possible to put photographs onto the blog.
Without photos, you may as well chop my knees off, and if the computy is indeedy that dead, I'm going to knock this Blog squarely on the head.
I know it's Drama Queen, but no photos, no blog.
Simples?

Autumnal Witterings

2010-09-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Autumnal Witterings, because I decided that the garden is way too weedy, and you've witnessed too many Smug Trugs already.... so:

On visiting the Dentist for a check-up this afternoon, I parked in the same vicinity as six months ago, and discovered, to my utmost horror, that there were kilos and kilos of wild rosehips on a pickable-height hedge in front of my bumper, that had gone over and were now way too soft to harvest. What am I LIKE?!! (mental note to oneself: next dental visit end of March.... the one after that'll be end September, so keep an eye on the garden ones' and do a drive by Luv to the dentists' a couple of weeks earlier, no?!)

It's all the fault of my paternal grandfather, I seem to remember, because he was the one that nurtured my horticultural interest, by showing me and explaining the theory behind shaking the tomato plants in his greenhouse to help the pollination happen. From then on in, I was very quietly hooked....

Many years later, when I eventually met my maternal grandfather, I discovered that he and I also shared an interest in horticulture, and I remember wishing that I'd met him much earlier in my life.

However, whoever which one of them, or both, keep sending me these brilliant 'Ping' Ideas, or snippets of knowledge from that garden in the sky, consider yourselves well and truly adored Gentlemen, because it is turning my life around so beautifully.

Talking of which..... Trousers and his mate Jim went detecting with Pete last weekend, and the three of them went detecting on a Rally, with another sixty or so like-minded enthusiasts, somewhere over towards Cardif evidently. Either that, or they devoured a whole tin of homemade Biscotti Bickies on their own, and sinfully, neglected to bring the empty tin back. Although I'd settle for a very valuable piece of Roman jewellry instead of a replacement tin, if truth be known.

I know, credit where credit is due.... but allegedly, Wellie's Cheesy Sheep biscuits (made for a previous detecting rally) are now in high demand, so my culinary experiments are indeedy paying dividends somewhere along the line, eh?

My 'best friend' Gloria came over yesterday to take more photographs of produce that I'm still growing, produce that I've harvested, and produce that I've preserved/stored.

And it's rather a lovely thought, that one day, one of her photographs of something that I've grown, harvested or preserved, may end up being published in a book on the shelves, and admired by me, one of you, or one of your children, or childrens' children in years to come. Because, like my own late father, she proffers them for use to Photographic Libraries, and has had a lot of her kitchen garden work accepted very recently......
..... or who knows, I might get a book of my own published one day..... with
Photographs by Gloria Nicol.
I'd still got some SweetiCorn Cobs producing in The Funny Farm Kitchen Garden, from a successful experiment of successional sowing this year, and I was amazed that Gloria had never eaten a freshy picked and cooked corn cob. So whilst she did what she's best at with her photography, I did what I'm best at. Five minutes later, a healthy lunch was served. And then completely ruined half an hour hence, with a square of Chocolate Truffle Brownie, fresh raspberries and cream, and a shot of Wellie's newly decanted wickedly-homemade Strawberry Rum 'a la Bob Flowerdew', if you please!

Now then. With the pure symmetry that Gloria and I share of cooking and preserving, with new recipes that we've found, new books that have just miraculously fallen out of the sky, landing on our cookbook shelves - last count totalling One Hundred And Thirty Five, ouch?! (until Trousers notices at The Funny Farm, obviously!), I would just like to say a very heartfelt thankyou Gloria, for the gift of my 'Preserving Tongs' Sweetheart.

I'm not in the least bit worried that people reading this will think that I've taken to curling my eyelashes between Jam Making Sessions, because I'm way too busy for that, but because there is nothing quite like being given the right tool to do the right job, whilst the raised James Martin Pancakes are on the stove, I shall multi-task and 'flick' my hair a little, or do I mean Paul Hollywood?
Unless you are here in my kitchen, you will never know, my friends.
But bless you for listening.X

Bring It In.....'n' ..... Bring It On !!

2010-09-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

I've been systematically banging on all week long to anyone that will listen about the weather closing in of an evening, because largely, I'm having to put a woolly pully on whilst I'm preparing His Lordships Supper, and I'm finding that I've got an affectionate gardening cat draped over my shoulders whilst I'm trying to have 40 winks of a nightie night-time on my pillow as well, which is a sure sign that Her Ladyship is also feeling the cold.

And so, I decided that it's time to harvest as many of the Summer Herbs as you possibly can, as quickly as you can now, in order to preserve their fragrance. If you miss it this month, you're not likely to get a decent hint of a harvest until the hottest rays come out again next year.

I used to hoard great quantities of broths, casseroles, stews, crumbles and stuff in our freezers, making vats of stuff at a time? Not no more I don't.... because I'm largely getting wise about amalgamating into small quantitites of flavours, preserving in oils and vinegars, bottling, and capturing herbs in sauces, to THEN add to a breast of chicken that I just bought yesterday, or a Tenderloin of Pork for a special Saturday Night Dinner.
Get my drift? That way, I'm only preserving (by whatever means) the barest minimum in an electrical appliance wot's costing precious pennies for months on end.

I'm still only learning, because it was only a few years back that I actually started to grow stuff to eat, even though it seems like a lot longer.... time flies, obviously, and Trousers does indeed feel like it's been A LifeTime Sentence, obviously, because he was just shaking his head to someone just recently about 'what is it that she just does?'. no, actually, I'm lying to you.......it was more insulting than that... he was shaking his head and asking the question of MOI?! (Do Mothers actually imprint that pained look on blokes foreheads at birth? or do they get that tattooed later as a hormonal teenager?)

So, my mate Pigletwillie came up complete and utter trumps last weekend, and allowed us to snaffle away about a thousand of the jars that Trousers originally picked up from some factory for him in the South, transporting them up to him at his home, and now (if you're still following and haven't dropped off to sleep), we've brought a goodly amount of them back from Pigletwillie's place to The Funny Farm again, for Wellie to put her own Funny Farm Produce in.
So basically, these Jars are sporting some serious 'Go Well Go Shell' Miles under their screwtops.

Bless you Piggy, a truck load of jammy jars in the truck, and, miraculously, not a single dollop of chicken poo in there at all (quality shot mate!), and thankfully, no-one forgot to put lids in the truck too?!

And anyone that actively hates photographic shots being put together, will absolutely hate this, but......
I like to grow it, bag it, and harvest it ....

And when the Orchard/Garden/Hedgerows are just bulging with stuff to 'snaffle away', I'm the first person there with A Trug (or fifteen....!):

Rosehips, Goosegogs, Cobnuts, Borlotti & Serbian Climbing Beans, Peppers, Courgettes, Sunblushed Tomatoes, Dried Pot Marigold Petals, Baby Aubergines, drying herb seeds, freshly chopped herbs for the freeer, unctiously infused oils with herbs from the garden.....

Personally, I don't know where I find the time.....!

Sowing, Reaping, Harvesting and Saying Thank You.X

2010-09-12T09:28:00.000-07:00

I was always taught not to speak with my mouth full, and so I won't, and you'll just have to wait until I've finished....................................................................................................................................

How do you even begin to describe how gorgeous life is at home with a mouthful of homemade crumble with Physalis, Plums, Bramleys, and Greengages in? And that not being gorgeous enough, to go and stick a goodly dollop of custard on top.
Honestly, forget Nigella and Sophie, respectfully, The Pope would be wise to stop off at The Funny Farm this week, and no word of a lie.

Not wishing to dis Trousers in any way, shape or form......but since we moved into The Funny Farm, he has caused me no end of disarray Children? Sometimes He gets out there himself and takes the pictures, but a lot of the time I do, because I'm here more, and kind of notice things more as they happen..... The Cat never does, and nor should she, because she should indeed ask for our permission before she borrows the camera, obviously....

But this time, Trousers has posted the photos up in a hugely sensible order for me to talk about, because it's kind of all about Reaping and Harvesting, and quality time spent, and just properly appreciating the gorgeousness of what you've been allowed to enjoy.

After such a hard Winter, it was brilliant to be able to get out into the Kitchen Garden, and try and make some kind of sense out of the chaos of trying to 'settle in' last year and define paths and borders and compost heaps, and what the livestock would 'half-inch', given half the chance..... And so it has been beautiful to just allow ourselves the occasional snatched moment of pleasure, and sometimes, in the form of a simple photograph for the blog that we then appreciate more than any of you watching from afar, if that makes any sense.

Trousers is spending now much more quality time doing just what he adores, metal detecting, albeit away from home sometimes, but with like-minded souls,....but surely, that's the nature of the game, because afterall, if you're in your own back yard, on your tod all of the time, that would become a tad tedious after a while, no? And I'm having a lovely time now meeting his new buddies when they come to visit, cooking a nice lunch for them, or my speciality Cheesy Sheep Biscuits for him to take to one of his 'Take Something From The Wife, But Don't Bring Her With You Buffet In A Field Somewhere'?!

Which suitably brings me onto the subject of Don Juan here, this Big Bloke in the field of very girly sheeps outside of our kitchen window.....

Momentarily he's just resting, until he's identified his 'Today Girlfriends'...

The other morning, he was completely prostrate on the grass and we had to go check that he was still alive, but thankfully, he was just resting again..... Personally, Trousers being a Painter and Decorator, tried to 'gloss over' what Don Juan may or may not have been up to during the dark hours. You can't pull the wool over Wellies eyes, and I'm expecting there to be many bouncing baby baa lambs before the spring is out next year, and no mistake.

Concentrate now Wellie? Where was I......Oh yes....

I've been harvesting that much produce from the Kitchen Garden and greenhouses, that I
decided to finalise my plans of turning the Conservatory into a proper working Summer Kitchen, at completely nil expense, and with Trousers superbly collecting me odds'n'sods that he finds at work in this or that skip, it's enabled me to organise myself there for ripening possible 'Blighty Tommies', drying beans, sunflower seeds, bringing in pots of fresh garden herbs, etc. etc

Don't get me wrong, the Funny Farmhouse Kitchen works brilliantly for me, but out here in the Conservatory at this gorgeous time of the year, when the light is bright, but there's a nip in the air, I still feel like I'm right out there in the garden itself, and that's what I set out to achieve when I planned it, so Thank You Angels....X.

And whilst the boiler isn't switched on in this corner of the conservatory, the undercover and sunny quarters are helping to ripen what I hope will be our winter wonderland of produce for the kitchen table at a much later date.

I've never grown Summer Raspberries, so I'm of the Autumn Bliss Prince 'Raspberry Beret' Brigade, and I kinda like it that way actually.... because they have the potential to be bigger and better, and being much later, you have more available time to squirrel them away in whatever shape or form you choose to.

On a daily basis now, I'm picking between 55 and 75 raspberries.

I only know that, because I count them into my little basket, and it's a very silly game that I play with myself, because depending on how you position them, that's how many you can fit into a 500ml bottling kilner with sugar syrup, if you're dead gentle with them.

I rest my case?

No point in telling Trousers, because he laughs at the merest thought of me in a pair of Onion Goggle Glasses at forty paces, let alone with a pinny on and counting raspberries in and out of a weeny trug tied to my pinny strings.

With the fruits that don't make the grade, as it were, I freeze them every day, and when I've got enough to do something sensible with, I either make jam or juice them. The idea is largely to get anything that doesn't NEED to be in the freezer OUT of the freezer, to make room for shed-loads of homemade chilli, moussaka, lasagne, curries, stews, casseroles, a huge array of inventive homemade sauces/pestos....

..... sometimes I wonder how Trousers would cope living with a boring person?

I need him to multi-task when he's out Detecting now Boys if you're reading this, because I now have room in my freezer for a woodcock, a partridge or two, pigeon breasts, a brace of peasants, a Wild Boar or a whole collection of conjoined Venison Joints.

And I know how to cook them to perfection.

With just six weeks until I disgracefully turn 50 years of age, I can't quite decide how I would like to spend that special space......

For now, thank you for being here.X